flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Sept 22, 2010 4:22:02 GMT
Hello Yesterday was a very good day. I bottle things up so much because I feel as if I haven't got anyone who I can tell - and don't want to the person who just moans on and on until nobody wants to even see me or speak to me. But saying things on here is like talking to someone and that helps me. I never thought of all my rules as OCD. That could be the case. But I don't want another problem/diagnosis! Am completely fed up being ill. I've had counselling in the past, but tend to act the way I think the counsellor expects me to, which I know is weird/wrong but can't seem to be myself. My logical brain takes over and I completely understand the logic of behaving a certain way in order to improve my mental state and agree that I can do it and in fact do manage it. But somehow the stresses that come to me aren't around when I have counselling so I don't get to test out the behaviours in stress times and then when the stress arrives and I'm not having counselling I go to pieces - slowly. No, my son isn't having any problems at school - he's absolutely fine. Says that he misses me, but seems to be enjoying it. It's just my paranoia that I've failed him making me anxious about the parents evening. Thank you for your replies Monica and Kat. And thank you Kat for saying to ask about his feelings. I always ask him whether he had a good time and what he did, but don't ask him how he feels! So I'll start doing that too. Immediately I read your suggestion I thought that by not asking him I'm setting up a lifetime of regressed feelings for him - that by not asking him to express his feelings I'm making him the usual insular non-feeling man! Oh yeah, one more stress - my OH was out of work from May to September. Now has a contract 15 miles away until end of this year. Nice to have him home in the evenings. But I am already worrying about money for next year as who knows when the next contract, or with luck, permanent job will come. I do have problems talking to people - I haven't told my OH this time as he was very unsupportive originally and really only "got it" after the birth of our daughter in that I didn't have PNI and he could see the difference and realised that my way of reacting the first time round was because I was ill. Anyway haven't told him because I know he doesn't want me to be ill again and I'm not confident he'd be supportive or even stay around. Good luck with the birth of your baby, Kat, and for when the baby arrives Cheers, FloBob x
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Post by Weeble on Sept 22, 2010 13:03:06 GMT
Hi Flobob
great that yesterday was a little better. I used to get really worked up about how to help my children emotionally, I was scared of telling them what I was feeling etc. I did not want them to have an early childhood dominated by unexpressed grief like mine was. I got really scared of hurting them with my PNI. My SMHHV has been amazing and I did not write it but what you wrote is exactly what she said to me, she told me it is the second most important thing a mother does, first - keep them safe - clean, feed and away from danger, then teach them how to express their emotions. My OH and I have only been doing this with our eldest son since feb time, but it is amazing. how quickly they learn to express themselves and the impact it has on them. You need to help them with language as well, teach them the four most important words - happy, sad, scared and angry. And get them to name your emotions as well, so they learn to recognise how other people feel. I have also been taught to name my babies emotions too, so my one year old, when he is screaming with tiredness, I tell him he is angry because he can not sleep, or he is angry because he is hungry etc.
Sorry to hear about your OH we had that problem with my first son which made life difficult, so I understand what a drain that is.
so hope all went well today and that you are having another good day
Kat
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 12, 2010 3:57:17 GMT
Oh God, I hate myself. I can't sleep due to guilt. I shouted at both my beautiful children today. I'm over-tired all the time. Mostly can't sleep, but even when I do sleep I wake up in the mornings so tired. All this makes me so emotional.
My daughter did brilliantly over the summer with potty training and she was completely dry, always used the potty or toilet in time, never fibbed about needing a wee/poo, as in saying she didn't when she really did and then having an accident. Which is what my son would do. My son was still wetting his pants over the summer, and in mid August even poo-ed himself. I told him then that if he did that again that he wouldn't start school in September. Since then there's been no accidents from him and no accidents at school. Which is amazing as my Mum always says he has accidents because he is concentrating so much on whatever he's doing. But I feel now that I know that's not the case, it's just him thinking he can hang on to the last moment and then doesn't get to the toilet on time. No accidents since starting school and then today we're in the garden and I see he looks like he needs to go, and I ask him, but he says no. Then gets indoors and has wet pants - I start to say to him that he should have gone when I asked in the garden, but instead of listening to me he's just jumping up and down and that's when I start shouting. Daughter's at my other ear moaning at me, so I shout at her too. Then they're both screaming at me and I'm screaming at my son to listen. And it's awful and I know at the time it's all my fault for shouting but I just can't seem to calm down. Anyway, daughter, after doing so brilliantly, has now been having wee and poo accidents for a few weeks. And I just don't want to go through all that again for another 2 years with her too. Daughter is really clingy with me at the moment, wants to be carried all the time. At the end of the day I think about my day and wish that I'd just cuddled her all day like she wanted. But at the time other things seem more important - like the washing needed doing. Then the other time she really wanted me was when I was trying to cook dinner. But I do my best to play with her and I did need to cook and I just couldn't do it one-handed. Now she's out all day Tuesday, Wed & Thurs mornings so I feel like I won't have chance to make things up with her. Anyway the reason for writing all this down is this is what is stressing me right now - the fact that I might have to deal with wee and poo for another 2 years when I thought that part was over.
My son's school offers parents to have school dinners with their children. I told my son and I'm going to have school dinner with him tomorrow. I'm even stressing about that. What if I show myself up in front of him? As in not being able to remain calm. Or moaning at him to eat nicely, like I do at home. I wish I'd never told him about it.
I was stressing before about the parents evening. And actually that turned out all OK. Will try to keep that in mind.
Other people say that having their parents close by is so helpful/wonderful. My parents seem happy to look after my children if I'm working, but if I do anything else they get narked about it. Last Tuesday I worked but popped round to a friend's at lunchtime. When I said this to my parents they were both sarcastic about me having time off work. I think they think they're funny, but it just makes me think that I'm not allowed any time to myself ever.
I want to ask my OH to take the children to his parents this weekend. But he'll get the hump. His parents are coming to ours this weekend, which is the last thing I want. They were horrible to me after my son was born and I can't forgive them for it or get over it. They act like they never did anything wrong. Then also I don't really want to be without my children this weekend - although being alone might do me some good. But I feel so guilty when I have to say that I want to be alone. And if they do go away I plan to work, so won't be resting in any case. And probably won't sleep. And I've worked the last 2 Saturdays (away from home) so probably won't be allowed a 3rd weekend working. Will worry also about the chidren, especially my daughter, settling at night as she really seems to need me at the moment. And finally don't trust my in-laws to keep their mouths shut and not say things about me that they shouldn't say in front of my children. So probably I won't be brave enough to ask my OH and will instead have to deal with the stress of in-laws being in my house.
So exhausted. Just going on and on because if I can get this out of my head now then I might have a good day.
Went on the website called Living Life to the Full, which is CBT stuff. Did their questionnaire and turns out that I'm not depressed but am dealing with anxiety. Tried to do their module on sleep, but don't think it helped me. Well I guess being here in the middle of the night is proof! But apart from that feel as if I don't have the time to improve myself because that takes time to read and understand and put into practice.
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Post by juppster on Oct 12, 2010 7:58:16 GMT
Hey flobob Sounds like you've had a bit of a stressful time recently so its no wonder you are feeling the way you are. Guilt plays a HUGE part in this illness, especially in my instance anyway and i can relate to so much of what you say...BUT remember you are unwell at the moment so please don't be too hard on yourself. Have you sat down and spoken to your hubby about exactly how you are feeling? This may be worth doing if you can so at least he knows how bad you are at the moment. Also may be worth going back to your gp..im not sure if you are still on meds or not at the moment? Please keep posting on here as it sounds as though its good for you to get it all out, take care xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 18, 2011 18:44:36 GMT
Feel dreadful again. Whenever I feel really low, I think about coming on here. This time I thought it had been ages and ages since I'd been here. And I look and see that it was only October, 3 months ago. I have no concept of time. 3 months feels like eternity right now. How could it be so recent? Can't cope with my children. Need to get my boy into bed now so can't write. But need to so much. I'll try to find time later.
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 18, 2011 19:43:39 GMT
Feeling a bit less upset now. Both children are in bed. But can't settle to anything. I could get on with some work, could make myself dinner, or clean the front room and downstairs loo - both jobs that need doing! Also doing a bit of studying for myself lately and could pick that up too. But my brain is too caught up in stress and I can't focus.
My son is so difficult now. And all I can think is "where did I go wrong?" and the answer is "by having had ante-natal and post-natal depression and spending so much time crying and not being a good mum to him". So I know it is all my fault. And know that everyone will so its not but they're wrong.
On the positive side, I have put my name down for a course run by the local children's centre which is called "It's Just a Phase" - which says it all really. That starts on Friday and I can't wait. I'm so eager to hear that I'm not the only one who has a son like this. So eager to find out how to deal with him to help him improve his behaviour.
Think I'll go to bed early and hope for a better day tomorrow.
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Post by juppster on Jan 19, 2011 8:26:35 GMT
Hi flobob Im sorry you're having a tough time at the moment honey, it seems so intense when you feel this bad. What sorts of things is your son up to to make you feel this way? How old is he? Im sure once you go along to the course you will see he is just like any other little boy of his age but i know it feels like you are the only one with a child who is behaving badly at the moment. This is a very isolating illness so i think its great that you've done something proactive and put your name down for the course...is it somewhere where you can go and meet other parents too? Are you on any meds at the moment or receiving any care from your local health team? Is there anyone you can call on to come and help you out for a while? Im hoping you got a good nights sleep and today things seem a little clearer for you. We are here and listening though, you are not on your own x
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Post by monica on Jan 21, 2011 17:50:48 GMT
Hi
great to hear from you but sorry you're feeling low.
Three months is quite an extended period to feel well in my opinion. And as pants as you feel atm (and it feels so much more raw after an extended 'well' period) things will pick up.
You are like me when goign through low moments you turn on yourself and blame everything on yourself. but hun, you have a young child and it's so true they go through difficult phases and it's no reflection on you. I think that course you're going on will help reenforce that as well as give you tips on managing him when he's going through this phase (pass on the tips to me please!)
If it's any consolation I go through periods when I despair about my children and blame myself for their bad or difficult behaviour - and i really think all people have these feelings of not coping and lord knows kids can drive you round the bend.
Would you consider talking to dr or hv about how you are feeling?
Big hugs to you
Monica
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