Second time around

[flobob]

Hello Ladies
Thank you again.
I can't believe myself sometimes. Period started at the end of last week. So now I know what that was all about. But I didn't know at the time and I thought I was right back at the lowest place and was scared again. I never had PMT before having children so that's something I need to think about each month now I guess.

I kind of had time to myself on Saturday, but too cowardly to do anything - was still feeling dreadful and guilty. So just stayed home and worked in the morning. Then in the afternoon we went to a bowling alley (had freebie vouchers to use up) and that was really good fun. So nice to go out as a family actually. And on Sunday the sun shone here so we went to the zoo and that was lovely too.

And as for my son - he amazed me on Friday by not having even one tantrum all day long. Saturday was fine too. Sunday OK until we left the zoo, but we ignored him. And today he didn't have any tantrums either. Is it me being calm that has worked some magic? Daughter had a tantrum at the zoo though! I do find it funny to see a 16-month-old have a tantrum. Little boy was like that at around 18-months too. I don't actually laugh at them so they can see me, but because they're still so tiny and the tantrum is ineffectual it makes me laugh inside and I don't get stressed about it at all.

Thank you so much for this site. I needed it last week to offload and it is so wonderful to come here and you're all so lovely to me. Thank you very much.

Love FloBob x

[winegirl]

Thats great hun. So glad you had a wonderful weekend and are picking up again!

Here if you ever need us xxx

[flobob]

Feeling over-tired and tearful and anxious again. And guilty over the way I am with my son - too angry with him. And don't feel I give my children my best attention. But I do try.

I have not slept at all last night. Just couldn't sleep and read a book in bed, which normally would make me fall asleep, but it didn't.

Need to offload thoughts again but don't know where to start. Will maybe come back later.

[winegirl]

Sorry I have only just seen this hun, been off for a week..

How are you feeling now since your last post?

[flobob]

Hello

WG, you don't need to apologise, I don't expect replies, but it is lovely when someone cares - so thank you.

Feeling exhausted and emotional.

I have a question so will find somewhere to post it.

Love FloBob x

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Have replied in your other thread...

How have yuo been doing in general? I see you were up very early |(or late?) this morning?

Hope you are ok xx

WG x

[flobob]

Hi, yes, I was kind of up early! Little boy woke me around 2am as he'd wet the bed, then little girl woke up because they share a room. Then I just could not get back to sleep. Had stuff in my head so typed it all out.

How am I? Thank you for asking
I am just generally exhausted. Don't have time to think even these days. So tired in the week with early mornings, up in the night for either little one, and have to stay up until 10.30pm to get little boy up to go on the potty. I know 10.30pm is not late, but it is for me.

I slept all night last Thursday and felt so refreshed on Friday morning. But by 1pm I was so tired again, after just a morning. I couldn't believe it really. Why would I be tired so soon? Or even why would I expect just one night's sleep to make up for the lack of sleep I normally suffer from?

I was planning to give up work, but my husband's job is not looking secure, so I've got to carry on working. I'd told my clients too, and have now told them I'll be carrying on. Was speaking to a lady about doing a job share with her (which was a silver lining), but she emailed tonight to say she was unsure about it.

Husband is away for work all week. But is not helpful when home at the weekend. Because of being away and the insecurity in his new job (plus the fact that it is not a nice company), he's under a lot of stress. And he is very tired because of this and suffering from migraines. I am not at all sympathetic, I'm afraid. Well sometimes my love for him shows through and I say something nice, but mostly I'm completely frustrated by him. I wish he would take on the 10.30pm potty-thing, so that I could go to bed early. And I guess I should explain that to him as a thing he could do at the weekends - especially as I am the one who gets up in the night. But I haven't spoken to him. But instead I'll say at around 9pm "are you OK to stay up to get little boy on the potty?" and he'll say yes and then I'll go to bed. So I just make arrangements. But he doesn't ask me and just assumes that I'll do it! So on Sunday he went to bed at 8pm, and I just have to stay up.

Thought I was pregnant last month. To the point of buying a pregnancy test! Odd as when I was pregnant I put off buying a test as I did not want it to be negative and thought if I didn't know I could continue to believe. But I don't want to get pregnant again - don't want to go through another pregnancy (or birth!), but mostly the mental strain it brings me, I couldn't face it. So I bought a test as I had to know one way or the other. Anyway test was negative, and then the next day my period started - so £10 well-spent! And another worry is that actually my period hasn't stopped since then - 3 weeks! I should go to the doctor but am even too exhausted to pick up the phone and try to sort out getting an appointment to see the doctor I like at a time when I don't have the children. And really I can't spare the time to go to the doctors when I'm child-free as that's when I work and I've so much to do.

Little girl has had chicken pox and now has some tummy bug going on - sickness and diarhea. And she's so listless with it. It is heartbreaking to see her like this - she's normally so excitable! I'll take her to the doctor tomorrow. She's a tiny girl anyway and I can almost see her losing weight and it has only been 3 days.

Mother's Day was disappointing. Husband did nothing special - watched the Grand Prix!!! I worked on Saturday so he took children out and they bought me some tulips (which are my favourite flowers, but even so, something a little more might've been nice). I made lunch whilst he watched the Grand Prix and he didn't even thank me for the effort of it.

I worked on Saturday but was home by 2.30pm-ish. But thought I'd just leave it all to husband anyway for the rest of the day. He didn't even bother to give them tea properly - just gave them gingerbread men. Little girl didn't eat it, so he gave her a biscuit instead. Talk about nutritious! It drives me mad actually because I feel mealtimes are important - what they eat, where they eat it (at the table), that there is conversation during meals, etc. (I know OTT maybe, but I do think it is important). And I spend time and effort making meals and then he just gives them biscuits because he can't be bothered to make a sandwich even. So at bedtime little girl was asking for a snack and then after the snack was when she was sick for the first time - which I actually thought was because she'd eaten too late. Turns out I was wrong about that.

So that's kind of how I am. Will go to little boy now and then fingers crossed sleep all night.

xx

[winegirl]

OMG hun! You wonder how you can be so tired by 1pm!? Because you dont stop! Mate, I get 9 hours a night and have half of what you have to do in a day and am STILL exhausted - you poor thing!

I agree about the meals issue - did you talk to your OH about this - and the fact that he stuffed up mothers day! My husband would not DARE not get me a card and tea in bed on mothers day ( you sense the agression here? LOL)

Is there anything you can do to sort out some you time? Just to sit and read - or better still sleep? We done want you burning out hun!

WG xx

[monica]

Hi Flobob

Good to hear from you.Havne't been on much as not had computer recently. You sound so tired and I can relate to you on that count. It's hard to enjoy life when you're so tired all the time.

My Mother's Day was a non-starter - middle son made a card at school but that was it! Eldest made me a smoothie and it was business as ususal otherwise.

I agree about the meals things too but it isn't a top priority for my oh. Sometimes it's easier to leave them to it - I know you shouldn't have to but if they have the odd rubbish meal it won't harm them and you don't let yourself get wound up.

thinking of you

Love

Monica

[flobob]

Here I am, back again. Just wanted to quietly record somewhere that I think I'm depressed again. I haven't spoken to anyone about this and am just pretending. But I'm over-tired and tearful and feel like I can't cope a lot. So wanted to say it somewhere even on here where maybe no-one is listening anyway. In a way that would be fine as I don't want to tell anyone. I have tons to do this morning. And then going out to a family party so need to hold it together for a bit longer.

[monica]

Hello!

I'm so sorry you're not feeling good, but well done on admitting to it. You do need to get some help and support as you know bottling it up adn coping alone won't help. i know that is so hard but please talk to someone your hv, doctor, friend. Does you oh still work away. You lo must be approaching two now and that's is such a hard age. My lo is on the go non stop and it is draining espeically with little or no help or understanding.

You know we're here fo ryou

Love

Monicax

[juppster]

Hi
Always here and listening, you're never on your own. Hope the family party wasn't too hard for you xx

[flobob]

I just want to be the old me, the one that was never stressed or angry or crying over things that don't matter. I thought I was better and maybe I am, but I don't like the way I've changed. How emotional I've become.

This time round it all started because I helped organise an event for the NCT. And the stress of doing that sent me spiralling down. The event was in June. And I can't seem to get right again.

My son started school this September. He's 4 1/2 now. I miss him so much and he's only there mornings at the moment. But as well as missing him I'm finding it difficult to live my life in morning/afternoon chunks and looking forward to when he's full-time so that I can have days back. So that just makes me feel guilty that I would wish he was away all day. The school has a parents evening at the end of September - so parents can speak to the teacher about how their child is settling in to their new class. I'm dreading it already. I've been dreading it since getting the letter to say it was happening. I'm so scared that they'll say it's my fault he can't cope with being at school. That I haven't given him what he needs to be able to make friends. I'm thinking about not going and letting my OH do it because I don't want to hear this. I feel like I've failed him.

My daughter is 2 now. I was looking at old photos at my mum's. Photos of my mum and me when I was little could be photos of my mum and my daughter. It's amazing how alike we are. I dread that she'll be like me in other ways too. I want her to be different - normal. Plus my mum always says "she's just like you" at the moments when my daughter is doing something naughty - as if I was never good. She never says that when my daughter is doing something cute or funny.

I haven't been to the doctor this time. Partly scared, partly just thinking don't know what she'll say this time, as in, nothing new to tell me about how to deal with this. Have had bad insomnia lately. End August/early Sept I had 10 days of only 3 hours sleep each night. Nearly went to the doctor about that, but ... Since then have been sleeping a lot better.

I have set up all these rules in my head to get me through the day and my day is so rigid because of it. And I want to let go but doing anything outside of these rules causes me so much stress. It's ridiculous.

Need to stop crying and get on with the rest of my day now.

[monica]

Hi Flobob

Things sound really tough for you and like they have been for a fair while now. Please please go andd see your dr - you don't have to suffer like this. i know it's such a diffiuclt step to take but surely if it's a step closer to feeling happier it's a good idea. Life sounds such a struggle for you and you sound so upset. the rules you've set for yourself also sound liek an ocd type reaction tohow your'e feeling and that;s very common. The dr will help you get through this quicker, whether that's with meds, counselling or whatever.

You son going to school is always a difficult time and the emotions you are experiencing are quite normal. It's scarythat they are growing up and you miss them being around but also quite looking forward to them being at school for the whole day to get some time for yourself. I've felt like this too and probably every parent I know. Is your son having probs at school. you mentioned avoiding parent's evening so that you wont' be told you are a failure. you are a brilliant loving mum and if your son is havin ga few problems settling in that's upsetting but normal and no relection on yoru parenting abilities at all. I'm sure another couple of weeks will make a huge difference. I know a little girl who has started school - she is lovely, confident adn so ready for it but yesterday I saw her crying. it's a huge change for the los too but know things will become familiar.

How you'e feeling isn't forever but with help you'll get better quicker.

Sending you much love

Monica

[Weeble]

Hi Flobob

Totally agree with Monica, so much of what your writing cold be me. I developed severe PND after my second child and would not tell anyone what was going on, big mistake - the help I have had has been so empathic and really supported me and my children.

My little boy started school ten days ago to, at first it felt absolutely awful, he screamed for me when I left him but it was such a relief when he came out with a smile on his face. Today he just needed a slight bit of coaxing away from me. Still he told me tonight he was sad when I left him, but his new book bag helped. I was told by our SMHHV that I should ask him about how he is feeling and when he tells me his is sad or scared, acknowledge it, tell him its normal and say I understand. It has seemed to help lots.

I really struggle with the other mums making me feel like a failure too.

Please dont feel guilty about needing a rest even super mums with out PNI think like that i am sure. I have my son picked up from school three days a week and the moment by his childminder because I can not cope. So you are not the only one.

Keep well and I am having another baby on friday, so will be only around intermittently but will do my best to respond when I can

Kat