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Post by winegirl on Dec 9, 2008 10:10:13 GMT
Hey Babes
Glad you are ok! What about one of those soft play areas? Or the library? Or shopping? Or is there a little farm park near you or somthing like that??
Hope the meal goes ok tonight. I know what you mean, these days I cant be bothered with the idle polite chit chat and questions either. But get a couple of glasses of vino down your neck and it might go surprisingly quick!!
Love
WG x
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Post by cokey on Dec 10, 2008 20:21:16 GMT
Hi beckah
When I had PNI after Michael (my first), I used to drive to a local garden centre where they had ducks. I would look at the christmas stuff and also feed the ducks. Feeding ducks is so therapeutic. Is there somewhere like that near you?
Cokey xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 15, 2008 7:49:06 GMT
I'm having a really weird few days.
Woke up this morning feeling really shit. Not really sure what's going on, i couldn't get back to sleep after matt's alarm went off because i was panicking that something was going to possess Violet, it's not possible to just develop PP is it? Other than that i keep telling myself i'm still rational, which i am, i know it's not what is happening but i am still worried about it, it's driving me mad!
I also feel a bit strange towards my mum, she hasn't done anything to provoke this and it's not a major worry but i've always been really close to my mum and i don't feel like it anymore but there's no reason for it. We've always spent alot of time together, well until i moved anyway, and i was closer to her than anyone else but for some reason i don't feel that way anymore. I don't know whether it's PNI making me feel like that or just a natural change in things.
I just feel like absolute shit. I hate this illness, it's just ripping me apart bit by bit. I can't do anything without analysing it and i'm exhausting myself. I just feel like crap all of the time in anticipation for my next bout of panic.
I thought my blip was coming to an end, obviously not. It can't just be a blip though can it? It's lasted for about 2 months now.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 15, 2008 18:19:51 GMT
Blips have no set life span mate. few days, weeks or months. Nowadays mine last a day or two, but not so long ago they were more like months. They just have to get gradually fewer and further between.
All these things you are feeling at the mo will be part of your blip, just try to accept that and not to analyse it all too much. The less you analye, the quicker these things tend to pass.
How you doing this evening? Was your day ok??
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 15, 2008 22:35:00 GMT
Hi WG
Well, my day was ok, usual shit off the Mother in law. Well actually i can't blame her this time. i decided to go to a wetlands centre to feed the ducks which is about 10 miles away from here and the mother in law phoned to ask me to do her nails for her retirement lunch and when i told her i was going to feed the ducks she suggested i take Matt's aunty who is visiting from Australia. I wasn't really keen on the idea as i can't be bothered with any of them and i don't know her at all but i thought i would do the nice thing and said yes. When i went to do the nails and pick the aunty up i did mention that it was about a fiver to get in and nothing was said. We got there and it was £7 and the aunty didn't want to pay the money so basically i had to drive a 20 mile round trip for absolutely no reason.
I just feel like i'm trying my best to do things to try to help myself recover and his family are just putting brick walls up in front of me. I can't stand any of them! Grrrrrr!
The anxiety has been a bit better, i've spent all day being so wound up over that lot i don't think i've given myself chance to be anxious! Felt a bit panicky earlier but lots better now. Just generally pissed off!
Gotta drive up the midlands tomorrow so we'll see how i cope with that.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 16, 2008 7:50:11 GMT
Oh my god - all that for £2!! I would have asked her to pay your petrol for you for the wasted journey! Cheeky mare!
How is the anxiety this morning hun??
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 16, 2008 23:12:58 GMT
Hi WG
They're all the same, tight buggers! lol.
I got up this morning and hit the road as soon as i was dressed so i just didn't give the anxiety chance to set in. I've been ok today. I went to see mt ex-boyfriends mom as she's really ill with cancer and she's going into a hospice tomorrow and asked to see me. It was really hard, she said some lovely things to me and i know it is because she has given up. She's really been struggling to come to terms with everything and isn't eating or anything. It was really upsetting and my ex is just beside himself which then is causing him to ask questions about his own life and has come to the conclusion that he is going to beat himself up over our breakup which upsets me. I think it's just cos his mom and i got along so well and he feels like he needs to grab onto me, or something. Who knows with men ey?!
Other than the sad side of things, it was a good trip and i was pleased i went. I said i would go back up next week and visit ex's mom in hospice. Not sure how OH feels about it but he's annoying me anyway so who cares! I want to see her, she is a lovely woman.
How are you WG?
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 16, 2008 23:58:35 GMT
Hi mate
I am ok thanks x
I hve found that the best thing to do with the anxiety is definately just to get up and get the hell out of the door. Working really halped me because I had to be out the house by 07.30 so I would literally dive out of bed, get ready and be gone. Its like you are almost racing against the anxiety and it normally works.
Sorry to hear about your ex's mum. How lovely of you to go and see her! Will you be ok going to see her again next week??
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 17, 2008 10:38:29 GMT
hi WG
I'll be ok thanks, it is upsetting but there's not much anyone can do now so i guess it's just about pulling together. I think having a good reason to go up like going to the hospice will kind of force me to go and that's kind of what i need. Plus i promised her that i would take my ex christmas shopping as he doesn't drive and has to do all of his mum's shopping as well. Am i really in the wrong? Feel as if i'm being unfair on matt doing so much for them but they all mean the world to me and i want to do anything i can to make things easier for them? I dunno, it's a difficult situation with it being my ex. Maybe i just worry too much about everything! Me? Worry? Never! LOL
xxxx
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Post by cokey on Dec 18, 2008 12:38:35 GMT
Hi beckah
Never feel guilty for lending a helping hand, don't worry.
Cokey xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 24, 2008 11:47:52 GMT
Hi ladies
How is everyone doing? I'm still not ready for christmas! Argh!
I felt awful when i woke up this morning, so anxious but just had a cup of sweet tea (thanks for that tip Cokey, works wonders!) and am feeling better now. Matt's driving me mad already, can't wait for him to go back to work lol! Our relationship is so up and down at the moment, i just don't know how i feel about anything.
I'm still off sick from work and i've heard that the most nosey person in the office is trying to find out what is wrong with me and it's driving her mad that my boss won't tell her. She's come to the conclusion that i am pregnant again and that my mum is ill! Lol
I didn't go up to the midlands to see exes mom. I've had this awful cold that's been going round and wouldn't have been allowed in to see her as her immunity is so low. I felt bad as i'd promised to go and see her. She's home for christmas dinner though so i said i'd pop down tomorrow as i'm going up to the midlands to my mom's for christmas dinner. The in laws are in France for christmas, aaaaaaah (that was a huge sigh of relief!)
Anyway, i''m sure i'll be back later!
xxx
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Post by cokey on Dec 24, 2008 21:27:06 GMT
Hi Beckah
I wanted to wish you a happy Christmas. This is a hard time for those with PNI, its tiring and stressful and relationships do get strained especially if they are up and down like ours. Just let it all wash over you, and enjoy your sweet tea and the good bits.
Take care and speak to you when I get back from Cornwall on jan 5th!!
(Text me if you need me)
C xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 27, 2008 21:56:24 GMT
Hi everyone
How was Christmas? We were in the Midlands, rushing round friends and family. The in laws are in France so i'm enjoying the peace and quiet.
Things with Matt are not so good. Well, he thinks everything is fine and refuses to admit that our relationship is not good. I don't feel the same about him at all and don't know if it is PNI or just the fact that we aren't meant to be together. I feel awful, i know i moan about him but he is a really good bloke, he loves me and Violet so much and desperately wants us to stay together but sometimes i feel i use him as a leaning post and that is all, as though he isn't my partner in life, he is just there to look after me. I don't feel, at the moment, any kind of romantic love towards him. I'm so confused.
My friend told me that she thought he was going to ask me to marry him at Christmas and although he didn't it worries me because i really don't want to marry him. What's wrong with this picture?!
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 27, 2008 22:10:41 GMT
Hi Beckah
Same picture as mine mate. And yes, I do think its PNI related.
I love my husband, but I can see that I too use him as a leaning post since PNI. And romance (?), I cant be arsed. I question my love for him as I know I look to him to sort me out as opposed to love him back or have any intimacy.
Having spoken in the past to other ladies on here about this, we are not alone. And it can come right in the end. I think its a matter of suck it and see, but I know how difficult it is in the meantime.
You guys thought anout relate?? Been meaning to do it myself but keep putting it off. Everything I hear about it is good though..
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 28, 2008 19:23:20 GMT
Hi WG
When i had counselling when Violet was a couple of months old i thought about making it a couples counselling thing but at the time i was so low down in the depths of this horrible illness that i didn't even stop to think that our relationship might not be right, i could only think of myself. It's only as i'm looking at the bigger picture i'm realising things aren't so good. Matt doesn't see it though so i know he would never come to relationship counselling with me. It's that old chestnut about blokes not wanting to get help... familiar to anyone?!
The big problem for me is that when i think about leaving him, i worry about how i will cope with Violet on my own and what will happen if i have a bad day, and what if i can't sleep at night. I know i would miss him, but romantically i don't have any feelings for him, but then i don't think he does for me either. Dunno, maybe it is PNI. I don't remember the last time we slept together and it's not that i have no desire for sex, i just have no desire for it with him.
I'm really confused about the whole thing.
On a positive note, dare i tempt fate by saying that i feel my blip is lifting a little. I get less anxious and can talk myself out of things a bit more than i could, intrusive thoughts aren't too frequent, sleep problems are still there but i've been managing to sleep, just feel like crap when i wake up. With the sleep problem, i'll get to the point of dropping off to sleep and then feel like my whole body is shaking, is that common? Other than that, even when i have a good day there is just a big black cloud over everything and i'm just wondering how long i can put up with it? I never feel completely happy, always feel like there's something pulling me back.
How are you? Was Christmas good?
xxxxx
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