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Post by nicola1712 on Dec 28, 2008 20:01:49 GMT
Hi Beckah
Been reading the last few pagesof your diary and wanted to say hello too.
I can relate to some of what you are saying as well - when my LO was born and while I was pregnant I felt my relationshipwith my mum change big time. We are very close too but while I was pregnant I just didn't want her to touch my bump atall - all other rellies and friends fine but it just felt weird when my mum did. Our relationship changed when LO was born cos I became the parent and she had to do what I said when it came to my LO. It took a bit of adjusting and a few little chats but things have got better as time has gone on. My LO is 18 months now and we still have to have a 'chat' when my mum gives her too much chocolate or something! It is hard for them too I suuppose cos they are suddenly a grandparent and have taught you everything from day 1 and all of a sudden you may have different ideas to them......
My relationship with my DH has changed since having thisilness too, like yours has. I frequently feel I would be better off without him - we had one those rows just today actually and then I panic that I wouldn't cope despite the apparent little he does to help (!) I do use him as a leaning post often and feel he is there to help me through this, he was a bit of a verbal punch bag this morning too.
Hope you have had a good day today anyway and sorry for going on a bit in your diary!
xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 29, 2008 11:47:53 GMT
Hi Nicola
Feel free to write in my diary, talking about things seems to be really helping. `For so long time i think i refused to believe i was as ill as i was and didn't talk to anyone about things. And for me, it was tough to talk to friends as they all warned me that moving when my daughter was 5 days old away from all of my family and friends would be difficult but i didn't have much choice and i was desperate for things to be ok. So there weren't many people i could admit to that things weren't everything that they should be.
As for my mum, it's weird, she's still the one i would phone at one in the morning if i couldn't sleep and was anxious or upset but i just feel our relationship has changed. When i was pregnant i wouldn't let her touch my bump either but then i didn't like women touching my bump, i didn't mind men touching it (that sounds terrible doesn't it lol). But we did everything together when i was pregnant but now i feel distant from her, maybe because i am with moving away and all.
Things with Matt are crap! I dunno, i'm at a loss with it all now. Maybe it is just a rough patch but we're not even arguing that much, he won't argue with me! Lol. But there's not really anything to argue about, i just speak to him like crap all of the time and i shouldn't but i can't help it. I feel so guilty because he is such a nice bloke and he is prepared to stay in this relationship regardless of the fact that things aren't right, i'm sure he does know things aren't great. Every time i'm spoken about leaving he says he doesn't want to be a weekend dad and then that makes me feel like he only wants to be with me because he knows that ultimately Violet comes with me. I dunno, just wish he'd talk to me about everything and admit that there's a big problem in our relationship.
Thanks for your post anyway, feel free to write any time xxxx
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Post by nicola1712 on Dec 29, 2008 19:56:36 GMT
Perhaps you eed some just you two time - I started letting my mum have LO overnight once a month when she was about 6 months old, to give me and DH some us time and a rest/lie in. It was very hard at first cos my main PNI problem and trigger is leaving LO with other people but now she is 18 months and I actually look forward to our monthly night off. That way perhaps you can sit and chat about stuff.
Just an idea - glad I am not the only one who felt a bit weird about my mum though!!
xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 29, 2008 20:04:52 GMT
Hi Nicola
Yeah, my mum's had her overnight a few times, it is nice to have some time to ourselves. I think we need to realise what we had before we had Violet if that makes sense, I would never change the decision we made to have Violet, even through this illness i have always known i would never be without her but we were so loving and fun around each other and now we are just parents but i think the illness makes me take things too much to heart and dwell on things too much which makes me come to conclusions.
You definitely aren't the only one with the mom thing, sometimes i wonder whether i feel this way as i try to push her away, maybe it's because i don't want her to see me this way. And maybe that's the case with my OH aswell?!
xxxxxxx
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Post by nicola1712 on Dec 30, 2008 11:23:21 GMT
That's true - hadn't thought of that. I don't tell my mum half the stuff I go through with this illness cos don't want to worry her - and now I have a child I know how much she worries, cos I would worry about my LO if it was her.
This illness has made me analyse things so much sometimes - my DH calls it my insecurity phases where I ask him over and over why he loves me, what he loves about me, why we can't be like we used to be before LO - and he says the same, we are parents now and things have to change. He says once they have left home we can go back to how we were!!
Good that you have had some evenings for just you two though - keep them up cos they are good for you (as long as you don't spend the evening worrying and crying about LO being away like I used to!)
xxx
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Post by littlelotty on Dec 30, 2008 20:31:02 GMT
Hi to both of you - just wanted to say that i get that feeling about being a mum too - so you are not alone!
Hope you are ok Beckah - how are things with Matt??
Take care hun
Littlelotty xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Dec 31, 2008 17:13:57 GMT
Hi LL
Thanks for your post. Things with Matt aren't great, so much so that i called my mum today and asked her if i could move back in with her for the moment until things become a little clearer. Anxiety levels are through the roof and i don't really know whether i'm doing the right thing. All i know is that i am worried i will lose the plot completely if i stay in this relationship any longer. Maybe moving back to the midlands will make things clearer to me, i'll have friends and family around me and i'll be able to clear my head and decide what i want. Or it will go the complete opposite way and will be the worst decision i've ever made, but either way i think i need to try it.
How are you feeling?
xxxx
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Post by nicola1712 on Jan 1, 2009 20:19:04 GMT
You never know hun, maybe a break will help - make you see things clearer? Let us know how you go.....hope you had a good New Year anyways.
xxx
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Post by littlelotty on Jan 2, 2009 18:51:05 GMT
Hi Beckah
I think you are right, it will help you make a decision and having a break sometimes does help to get rid of some of the stress and help you think clearly. Hope you can still get on here and have a chat to us. Hope you are ok and sending you bigs hugs at this time as you are very brave.
Take care hun and keep talking to us.
Littlelotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 3, 2009 9:23:07 GMT
Hi Beckah
And I think you will feel soo much better to have your friends and family around you!! Let us know what you decide and know that we are here for you if you need us x
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 3, 2009 13:15:01 GMT
Hey ladies
Well i'm still here, haven't moved yet, my mum's in the process of decorating and her house is all over the place. She's decorating a room for Violet and my niece Maddison so i'm gonna hang fire for a little longer. The idea of being away from Matt is daunting, i just need to figure out if it is because i will miss him as a partner or a leaning post or both! He has asked me to think things through a little more so that's what i'll do and see how i feel in a couple of weeks.
Had a lovely morning, my best mate came over to see me with his son and as Matt was out we got to spend some quality time together and he really cheered me up and we had a good talk about matt and i and i got the male perspective which was good.
Thanks for your support everyone, don't know what i'd do without you all xxxxxxx
xxxx
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Post by littlelotty on Jan 3, 2009 23:36:05 GMT
Hi Beckah
Really glad you are feeling better and giving yourself time to make such a big decision is right in the long run. I know you will make the right decision for you all hun and we will always be here for you whatever you decide.
Hope you had a good rest of the afternoon
take care
Littlelotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 4, 2009 11:32:48 GMT
Hey Beckah
Thinking things through is never a bad idea - there is no rush.
Glad you had a good morning. Friends show there true colours at this time and sounds like that one is a star x
Hope you are ok today?
WG xx
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Post by littlelotty on Jan 4, 2009 17:22:47 GMT
How are you doing today Beckah??
Thinking of you,
take care
Littlelotty xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 4, 2009 19:02:21 GMT
Hi ladies
Well, woke up this morning and was super anxious but managed to ride it out and to be honest it's not been lasting for too long the past week, seems to go away within an hour or so and even though i don't feel right most of the time i can cope with it, until i realise i'm coping and then i start questioning whether i will ever get better. It has an awful way of bending your mind doesn't it, this illness?
Been out for most of the day today and only just got back, been shopping and to visit some friends down in Bristol so wasn't a bad day all in all.
I'm dreading Matt going back to work tomorrow, he's had 3 weeks off and i know i'm going to struggle with the anxiety. I'm due to see my doctor again tomorrow and i have another session of CBT on friday so i'm hoping it will be a constructive week. Although it is the Monster-in-law's 60th birthday party on saturday and i'm dreading that!
How is everyone else?
xxxx
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