Sarahjanes diary

[sarahjane]

Hi Beckah thanks for your support,i doubt myself alot when im having a blip and it does cross my mind that im never going to get better and im just messed up, even though theres times like today when that horrible thought crosses my mind i refuse to let this thing beat me for my LO's sake.Im still feeling so low today and im feeling so scared it seems to be worse than yesterday,i bathed my LO and my OH was helping me and i kept having intrusive thoughts about him being around her when shes in the bath !! How stupid do i sound! Im so fed up of times i should be enjoying with my family being destroyed.I dread her growing up and me remembering all the horrible things that i had with pni when she was a baby it hurts so much:( i will be due on my period this week so maybe thats why my blip is so bad because it usually is round this time.Hope you had a good day take care x x

[beckah]

Yeah, it's more than likely due to your period. You will forget about alot of the things you have thought while you have had PNI, i already find myself forgetting things that i used to think/say/do when i first had my LO. Eventually it will pass, i think you will always remember how horrendous this illness is, it will just be difficult to believe you ever felt that way. That's what i hope for myself anyway! Plus, when i have a blip, i have to constantly remind myself that my blips used to be much worse. I get frustrated like you that i sometimes don't feel i'm enjoying the times i should be. I almost feel heartbroken that i haven't enjoyed my LO being little as much as i should have. And that's something we all have to accept, but hopefully it will make us appreciate our babies more as they grow up.

xxxxx

[sarahjane]

Hi beckah,yeah i totally agree with everything your saying,i hope to be able to look back and not be able to beleive i ever felt this way,although i know i will never forget how horrible pni is,its putting me of having anymore children as im scared of having it again.Im going to make an appointment with my gp because every week or two before im due on my pni gets a lot worse,the hormonal side of things isnt helping,maybe theres something she can offer to help .Tomorrow im going for a meal with my OH and friends its going to be the first time ive ever had my LO babysitted by anyone,so im feeling very anxious about this,i hope i can still enjoy myself. Il let u know how tomorrow goes x x x

[winegirl]

Hi Sarahjane

Havent been around for a couple of days so just catching up. How did it go with LO and the babysitter the other day? Did you guys have a good time going out??

WG x

[sarahjane]

Hiya WG,how are you? well my LO was fine with the babysitter she was really good and settled to sleep easily,my anxiety was terrible when leaving for the meal i was so emotional about leaving my baby that i was having to hold my tears back.The meal was ok i just felt so uncomfortable i felt like people could see that im ill and i felt like my friends was acting different with me,after i had a glass of wine i was chatting away with them but i felt they wasnt really intrested i felt like they thought i was really loopy or crazy.When i got back home i felt so low i just started crying hysterically,i felt so alone.When we was out my OH wasnt very supportive not making much conversation with me or anyone i felt like he didnt want to be there with me at all.When i got home i felt so alone when i was crying in bed he didnt offer me much comfort i really wanted to have a good night i was all dressed up aswell. x x x

[winegirl]

Hi Sarah

I promise it all gets better, leaving your LO for a while and socialising with people. I promise, everything you say was me when I first started going out without LO again, but these days I LOVE being out and do fine socialising with people.

The more you do it, the better it gets.

How are you doing today??

WG xx

[sianyc]

I know exactly what you mean when you describe how you felt around your friends. All my confidence went and I was paranoid that no-one wanted to spend any time with me or bother to be friends with me. I over thought everything that came out of my mouth and would then replay it for days afterwards, thinking that someone would be talking about me and what I'd said - this is in normal conversation as well, not being drunk and silly

I was convinced that even my mother and sisters didn't want to spend time with me and the kids.

I figure it's all part of the anxiety - not that I really saw it as anxiety then! I still suffer with periods of anxiety now - like the aftermath of PNI I suppose and can now try to rationalise it a bit.

It does ease honestly. The best thing I've found is to mentally remind myself that it's anxiety and avoid alcohol as much as I can as that can make me worse for days afterwards.

Hope that helps x

[sarahjane]

Hi WG,Sianyc thanx for your advice ive suffered with anxiety disorder even before i became ill with pni and i totally agree its so awful because when im out or around people i feel so paranoid and i go over everything ive said in conversation for days after too! Im making plans to go out next week or maybe valentines day for a meal again so i can get used to it and fight this awful anxiety.I do feel more paranoid after ive had a drink sometimes because of my medication i start getting really chatty and i feel a little bit loopy lol! ;D but even though i get like that sometimes,i still do enjoy a glass of wine Today hasnt been to bad took my LO for a walk had a snow fight with my OH lol! My blip seems to be better today,but i still havent came on so il see what tomorrow brings......... Hope you's have had a great day x x

[sarahjane]

IM SO PISSED OFF today ive had such a bad day i dont know how im going to get through this anymore anytime i try to get better i just get kicked back down! my mum and my OH have had a MASSIVE arguement today on the phone! my mum hasnt been there for me or my LO at all lately i havent said anything cos i been covering it up and putting a fake smile on.My OH is angry with her they had a row over something silly which escalated in to a slanging match! My mum has got a bad temper and my OH has a anger problem which i struggle to put up with for years now! now one seemed to care about my LO being asleep,my Oh was shouting so loud down the phone i was crying saying to them to stop but they wouldnt listen my LO woke up crying i had to then try and settle her! then My OH got nasty with me and we argued! now hes sorry as usual! noone seems to care i got pni at all, my mum dont care she thinks i can just snap out of it.My Oh shouted at her for not bothering with her grandchild or being there for me,She then said hes controlling me i cant take anymore stress!My mum hasnt been good to me when i was little i was with my grandparents most of the time,she had me when she was 17,my dad a F***kING B**STARD WHO NEVER THERE FOR ME AT ALL NEVER BOUGHT ME UP.Now all i want to do is be a good mum to my LO i love her so much,shes everything ive got and the reason im still here.Sorry to go on im so upset right now.

[sarahjane]

[cheshire]

Hi sarahjane,

What a stressful evening - how are you feeling now?


xx

[sarahjane]

hiya,i havent been online much for a few days,been feeling to depressed and anxious to be honest,i havent gone out ive just been at home looking after my LO.My OH is going to see gp for some sort of help with anger,maybe anger management or something as we havent been getting on lately at all.x

[winegirl]

Hi HUn

Sorry I havent been around for a few days either so just catching up. When is your OH off to GP? Do you think you might make yourself an appt since your anxiety and depression has been a struggle the past few days??

WG xx

[sarahjane]

hi WG,my oh is making an appointment today apparently but hes not even here at the mo,its just me and LO,when he gets home i will ask him.If i go see my gp all they ever seem to do is up my meds,im already on 40mg so i dont really want anymore,i am improving its just my relationship isnt really helping at the moment also WG im wondering if you can help me,i really want to put some pics up of me and LO so you can all see us but im having problems,my pc isnt working,so im using my phone it isnt letting me send emails,only picture messages,have you got any ideas of what i could do? hope you've had a good few days x x

[winegirl]

Hey Babes

Where do you want the pictures, here in your avatar or on Facebook??

WG x