Sazzy's Diary

[sazzythom]

Feeling really lonely at the moment. A friend had a baby this week and i'm so pleased for them but we didn't get told for 2 days and thhats made me wonder who would actually miss me if i wasn't here. I know its silly but i can't help thinking that no one wants me around.
My depression does not seem to be lifting and i'm really worried that i'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.
Had an ok day today. It was my dads birthday so we had them round and had a nice lunch in the garden. They've taken my daughter back with them as well to give me a break. I know my family are very supportive but that makes me feel worse because i shouldn't feel like this. Its not like i'm all alone or anything.
I feel like all i do is moan which makes me feel awfull. But on a bright side my washing machine is now fixed. After having to call them out 4 times!!! Why is it you have to get angry with these people before you'll get the work done!!!

[cheshire]

Hi Sazzy,

How you feeling today?

Hx

[sianyc]

The paranoia about what others think of you or how they feel about you was a big part of PNI for me. It's all part of the depression and I know it's impossible to imagine yourself as being likeable or worthy of anyone's time and thoughts.

I'm sorry if you've said before but are you taking any meds or having any counselling?

I can remember this being the one of the worst symptoms for me. I was so confident before and even if people didn't like me, it certainly didn't bother me as long as I had my say :-) It was also the first symptom to come back as part of PMT which really peed me off.

It did get better. It didn't just disappear but rather faded until I could tell myself that what I was thinking was ridiculous and that of course my family wanted me around. Knowing it's silly doesn't stop the thought coming into your head though does it - very irritating and often enough to 'spoil' the day for me.

[sazzythom]

Hi sianyc

Yes i am seeing a Pycologist and i'm on countless meds but there are certain symptoms that it doesn't seem to help. I was badly abused by an ex and my psycologist is trying to deal with the PTSD that has been left by that and the difficult birth i had. Just really feel that for a lot of people that they're bored of me and tha illness. Its like its last years news sort of thing. People are all so nice but they have no idea what has actually gone on. I mean i've only just told my parents and husband about the abuse and that happened years ago. My psycologist is telly me to open up to people but i just don't know i can deal with everyone knowing. It makes it more real and makes me feel ashamed that i let it happen. I should have been able to stop it but just wasn't strong enough.
Today has been an ok day for me. Kinda just flat. No highs or lows just flat. I've got my daughters birthday on monday and i'm dreading it as it brings up all the trauma of the birth. The friend thats just had the baby will be there and i know it will be swap the birth story time again which makes it worse for me because no one has actually ever heard the full story so ithink people think i over react.

[winegirl]

Hi Sazzythom

Noone is bored of hearing it here hun. You talk all you want because we know this doesnt all go over night.

I hope your daughters birthday goes ok on Monday. Try to avoid the birth swaps of you can, you need to just make sure LO had a good day!

Hope you slept ok last night?

WG x

[Bookwormprincess]

HI SazzyThom,

Was wondering how you are? I saw on facebook from your status that you may have had someone suggest you go back to hospital and of-course you don't want that. Really hope it doesn't come to that and sorry if that means you're having a bad blip.

Thinking of you

[winegirl]

Hey Hun

Same from me. Let us know how you are if you get chance? We are all here and thinking of you xx

Much Love

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Hi everyonne

Sorry i haven't been on for ages but i haven't been great. Psyciatrist decided to change one of my meds but it didn't work for me so i started to hallucinate and my mood went through the floor. They tried to increase the dose but that didn't work so they put me on another new drug and increased a different drug and added a new one to my concotion. They wanted to admit me again but i refused and they gave me a week to see if anything had improved. things didn't really improve so they got home treatment involved again.i started to self harm again and tried to kill myself again so i think this was justified I'm slowly climbing myself out of this hole but i know its going to take time. Just trying to keep myself busy. I'm having the kitchen redone and with xmas on the way aswell i think i'm doing a good job.
My pscologist is working through some of my issues aswell.

[tears]

((((((((((((((((((sazzy)))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry to hear youve been so unwell.It sounds like youve really been through the ringer. I hope these new meds help you recover. Like you im on a lot of meds but its worth it to be able to function and not be distressed.

Hope you keep recovering
Tears
xx

[sazzythom]

What a few months i've had. Life just seems to get on a even level then wham something happens and i'm down again. The new meds they've got me on seem to be working 80% of the time but not all the time which is really starting to annoy me. We're having trouble concieving aswell which is getting me down again. I've started self harming againg but this time i feel shame and have been trying harder than ever to cover it up.

[winegirl]

So sorry to hear that you are still struggling hun Especially about the self harm.

I too had trouble conceiving - I have PCOS. But I believe starting to relax about it all and reflexology helped.

We are here if you need us hun - keep in touch x

Take Care

WG xx

[sianyc]

Hey Saz - thinking of you x

[sazzythom]

Right i'm afraid this is going to be a moan

Yesterday my brother and his family came to 'VISIT' In adverted commas because i wouldn't call it a visit. They came really to get their xmas presents. My brother just stood in the doorway and his so called wife didn't even say hello. They stayed for all of 15 mins because they had other people to see. Namely her family!! I'm so angry with them at the moment as my mum has just been diagnosed as depressed and all the work i've done in the last few weeks to cheer her up has all been wiped away when they came to visit. So she's right back down again and nothing i say is helping at the moment. I feel so useless as i can't help more because i'm not well myself.
Life just seems to be on a downer at the moment. I'm finding it really hard to keep upbeat when a lot of different things are goung wrong for me at the moment.
Trying to concieve has really stressed me out recently but i've decided to try and relax about it and even found a local reflexologist that specialises in fertility problems. I don't think theres a major problem just slow to take i think. I mean i've been pregnant before so its not impossible and thats what i've got to remember. I mean a friend has just fund out she's pregnant after her 6th attempt at ivf. I mean if she can do it so can i. My husband has been a rock recently. Trying to cheer me up and calm me down couldn't have been easy.
My mother in law is doing my head in as well. She doesn't see why we would want to put 'THEM' through it again. The way she keeps going on at me about money and bigger house it makes me wonder what's reall importanat to her. Bigger houses and better lives can come later but babies don't wait till ur 50 do they??
My poor mother got the end of my temper the other day as she was questioning me why i was so desperate for another one but i couldn't make her see my point of view. She was so well blessed wit all 3 of her kids. Had good support and never suffered like i did. I just want a second chance to try again and see if i can feel that joy that elation a baby should bring.
Ok Moans over sorry to do this to u but i just had to get it out there

[sazzythom]

AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I really hate her i do i realy really hate her. I've found out today from my sister that my brothers wife slagged me off something chronic when they visited her after our visit on saturday. I'm so angry. Not only have they called me a liar and really got to me by insinuating i'm lazy but also calling my parents liars. Oh i am so angry. I've just had a major panic and its the first i've had in ages. So not only have they set my mother back i've gone back a couple of stages as well. Apparently according to her the illness i have 'is all in her head'. I guess she is kinda right with the fact its a mental illness but thats not what she meant she meant i've been putting it on and that its all been made up from the beginning for attention. Obviously they admit people 3 times into hospital for nothing nowadays. And for that bitch to call my mother a liar i really want to knock her block off for that. 2 Weeks ago my mother was threatening to throw herself under a bus which again is obviously quite normal rational behaviour. I'am so angry i just want to cut really badly as its a great way to relieve the stress in my body but i'm really trying not to let her win. I'm sorry for the rant but i just had to vent somewhere and my husband is asleep.

[monica]

Hi

Poor you - that's an awful thing to say and can see why you're so upset. However, try to ignore it (I know that's easier said than done when you've been hurt). There will always be some people that will never understand mental illness and how debilitating it can be; physical ailments can be easier to see however when it's 'all in the head' many think it's just an act. This is having a big impact on you as it's caused you to have a panic attack so do try to accept it as ignorance on the part of your sil - she's the one with the problems.

Hope you feel a bit better today!

Love

Monica