Sazzy's Diary

[sazzythom]

Well spent monday tues and wednesday in hospital again. Still in loads of pain but they have no idea what it could be. Just got to live with it while its there i think. They did a scan and apparently i have pcos and a severly retroverted uterus. Neither of these was i told at the hospital but read it in all my discharge papers!!! They still are not sure of the viability of this pregnancywhich is really worrying me at the moment. I started feeling sick yesterday and the sickness has taken hold well and truly today. Haven't been able to keep much down or do much. Stomach and chest hurts now as well as abdo. Got my booking appointment tomorrow but don't get to meet my midwife yet as i'm classed as high risk so may never get one. I'm quite glad i get to see my doctor really as she has seen me from the very beginning of my first prgnancy so she know all the history and is i guess looking for signs of me going downward.
My sister in law had a baby last week and i'm still waiting to go visit. Really looking forward to it as feeling rather broody. Holding a new born is something i haven't done since my dd was born.

[winegirl]

Im so sorry you have eben through the mill so much.. The waiting and not knowing must be dreadful! I too have PCOS and find at certain times it does cause me pain also.

But the sickness (nasty as it is) I think is a good sign of your hormones doing what they should be doing at this stage, though I hope it wears off for you soon!

I hope your appointment goes well today, let us know how you get on?

Thinking of you

WG xx

[Bookwormprincess]

Sarah,
I've only just read this after noticing you're pregnant on other threads. So sorry it has been so stressful and high risk already. It must be really hard because I have worried big time at every little thing this time, I think as a remnant of the PNI, because during my 1st I didn't worry half as much, so for you with all this pain and hospital stays it must be really hard.

How did the scan on 14th go? Really hope all is still well with the pregnancy. The sickness can be nasty (I was nearly hospitilised with it with my 1st, but even though it's better this time round it's still horrible). Like WG said, in most cases it's a good sign, although no sickness isn't a bad one. Hoping for you it means good things.

Can't believe you had to read your notes to find out your diagnosis at hospital. Sometimes hospitals are unbelievable!

Oh and that blood in urine thing must mean lots of things, because I have it almost every time I do a sample whether pregnant or not! Last time I was pregnant the midwife stopped sending if off for further tests because it always came back normal even though it showed blood. I think the first thing it means is a urine infection though so they might give anti-biotics and get you to drink cranberry juice.

Do let us know how you're getting on. Thinking of you. Take care.

p.s. Can't believe what a rubbish Christmas Evening you had - poor you. Glad you enjoyed New Year though.

[monica]

Hello

How are you doing? You are going through so much - keeping my fingers crossed for you (and everything else).

Love

Monica

[sianyc]

thinking of you x

[sazzythom]

Well saw my GP friday. Booked in now and awaiting an appointment with a midwife and a date for a scan. She was great with me and even suggesting things i wanted to happen before i did. She agreed with me about what hospital i should be going to. even though its further to travel, which posses more risks but i just can't go to my local hospital again.
Been feeling ok in myself except for a few days sickness but i think that seems to be over for now.
I've been worrying about not worrying about the return of my depression. I read all the pregnancy diaries by other people and it seems other people are plaugued with thoughts and memories of what happened last time but that just hasn't happened for me. Am i wierd or something?? Am i too early really to feel anything?? When did it happen for other women.
Plus side with this pregnancy is they are aware of my prior problems. My GP has already refered me back to the mother and baby unit i stayed on to get more support and i guess to be there when i need them if i do.
Got another scan and to see the early pregnancy unit on Monday so i get to see baby, which will be still tiny and to discuss this pain again and see if they'll actually test me for something.

[sazzythom]

Oh and another thing apparently because my DD was on child protection this baby will automatically go onto it now before he/ she is born which has stressed me out becuase they're already telling me that i can't cope and they don't know that. This could be a very different pregnancy birth and whole experiance. Arrrrrrrrggggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!11

[winegirl]

I am glad you are getting ths scans and appointments you need to help put your mind at ease! Best of luck for Monday!

Yes, the system around child protection is an odd one. But I do sort of see why it is this way, I know its a bit of a blanket process but I guess in doing this they will not miss the children who genuinely are at risk. Doesnt make you feel any better I know though..

Thinking of you and hope you have a bright few days leading up to your scan xx

Take Care

WG xx

[sazzythom]

Well i had a psycologist appointment today and although it went well i know i've got lots of nasty work ahead of me. I've gotta open up and allow things out. Things that happened to me when i was being abused that i had put in a little box and buried it very deep. He was pleased that i was pregnant but he's going to see me more often and liase with my psyciatrist esp about my meds. i've been referred back to the peri natal team at the QE but i don't have much faith in the head psyciatrist as she compleatly missed my psychotic syptoms last time so my psycologist has agreed to monitor any changes she tries to make. I feel better about this as he seems to know me better than anyone else. I've suddenly realised how big a thing actually being pregnant. I'm terrified. and i think i could be terrified through the whole thing. i just remember how my heart broke when i saw my dd in that incubator and i'm terrified that its all going to happen again. I can cope with having a prem i just can't bear the thought of not being able to bond with it because of circumstances beyond control. I'm desperate to see my midwife so i can ask her about the whole breastfeeding thing. I need to know if i did everything i could or was there something else i could do?? I know that things like that don't need to be sorted for a while but if i don't get it straight in my head now i think it could really fall down again. i'm one of these people that have to be organised really organised!!! i guess its part of my ocd. so i'm feeling quite stressed at the moment and i'm scared of going down hill as i've been doing so well.

[winegirl]

Keep thinking positive hun. You have been doing so well, so focus on that!
You have your scan to look forward to on Monday too... Keep looking up hun xx

Take Care

WG x

[sazzythom]

I'm having serious doubts about wether to go through with this pregnancy. I just don't know whether i'm strong enough. have spoken to my husband and he understands but has said he wants to continue with this pregnancy.

Also having to really think about the church we belong to and the lack of support we're getting. So we're thinking about moving to the one closer to us but i'm not sure about that either.

Feel really lost at the moment.

[Bookwormprincess]

HI Sarah,
So sorry for the turmoil you're going through emotionally with these doubts at the moment. It must be really hard and what you're talking about is the kind of thing only you and your husband can decide together but I bet you wish someone could just tell you what the best thing to do is. I can definitely understand the worry about whether you feel strong enough or not. It's so natural to doubt yourself when times are hard, but you need to believe in yourself, take courage from your faith and look at the fact that you pulled yourself through last time and came out stronger for it. You have so much experience now of a difficult pregancy, of pni and a prem baby that you can draw on all those things to get you through again (I'm hoping you won't have to go through it all again though!).

Also, perhaps this is just a phase? I don't mean in anyway to belittle what you're going through, you know that I hope, but I say that just because you have written before you were pregnant how much you wanted another baby and it was very much planned. Even though I planned for this pregnancy, a week after I found out I was actually pregnant I was having thoughts like "What on earth have I done??!!!!!" and I did almost wish the baby away becasuse I became very scared of getting ill again and not coping and ruining my little family life by having another baby. Which all seemed so strange considering I'd WANTED it in the first place. So maybe what you're going through now is natural considering how tough it has been for you and what happened last time, but I think if you just let those thoughts and feelings pass on through they will go in time. That's kind of what I had to do.

You mentioned earlier that you are doing some deep work with your pysche dr, which I think is great, and I did some similar stuff when I was pregnant first time because I felt I wanted to get it all sorted before baby came. But looking back with hindsight, maybe I didn't need to push myself so hard at a time when hormones and emotions are all over the place and the deep work could have been left for a later more stable time. I think perhaps it was more important for me back then (and now!) to learn to switch off and properly relax and not to worry so much and try not to be in control of everything in my life (I can feel these kind of bad traits creeping in the nearer my due date). It's just a thought that perhaps you could give yourself a mental holiday from tyring to fix everything and just do some gentle CBT or relaxation with your dr, I don't know, only you know what you need and I guess your Dr knows what they are doing too.

Oh and by the way, I am totally with you about the whole social services involvement. Apparently they are to be informed of my pregnancy too and that I will be on meds after the birth etc. just because of becoming ill last time. I absolutely hate it, and I can see what Helen means about why they do it, but I think it should be explained more sensitively to women. And it makes me cross because they appear to be so useless about protecting babies and children who really need it (I say appear because we only hear of the children that went unnoticed or unsaved in the news). I mean why would we need their involvement when we have lots of family and friends around us to help and we have had the foresight to get proffessional help to try and prevent becoming mentally unwell again after the birth. Oh well, guess we just have to grit our teeth and let them get on with it.

As for the church thing, that is a hard decision too. Is there any way you could approach one of the leaders and tell them how you feel neglected and would like more support? Only I imagine you may find that moving somewhere new the same thing could happen, because not all churches are good at connecting with new people straight away, although on the other hand you may find that because you are new the opposite happens and everyone rallies round. Try not to be too hard on your church though as they are only human and sometimes the leaders etc. need it pointing out to them where they are falling down. In my experience, our church is very good in a crisis, like when someone suddenly falls ill or has an op etc, but then if it's a long term condition or regular help and support that they need, they are not so good at offering continuing help which is probably because it is a big church, but I know they are working on it!

I hope you feel some light at the end of the tunnel soon and feel free to message me facebook or on here.

[winegirl]

Hey hun

Looks like you were posting really late at night?? How are you feeling today?

I know it must be scary for you, but you have some team around you from the mental health services and your partner seems to want to support you??

How are you feeling about things this morning?

WG xx

[Bookwormprincess]

Hi Sarah,

Just seen your status on facebook where you are annoucing the arrival of new baby. So pleased for you, I guess that means things seem a bit clearer for you now.

Hope you are feeling ok.
N x

[winegirl]

Yes, I thought the same! Seems there are lots of congrats coming your way too! xxx