Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Apr 10, 2010 15:55:46 GMT
i know its ok. i will do that in future. me and lou are struggling atm only since my trip to manchester where he was left in his own house alone with the internet..... and ''friends'' x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 11, 2010 10:19:31 GMT
why - whats he been up to?
You ok??
WG xx
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Apr 11, 2010 13:12:19 GMT
i'll never know. overall despite everything, rediculously it took him and his mate to go out to his mates car ''outside the house'' because ''he forgot his phone'' but last night, after a couple of hours finally meeting new people in grimsby, i was left to walk to and from meeting friends. alone. pregnant. bad back. and on the phone to him telling hi i was sick and my back was locking etc etc. but he needed to escort his friend to his car. not me. its a bit dodgy to me, so i'll never know what went on.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 12, 2010 20:22:00 GMT
thats not good leaving you on your own wandering round town! Especially when you are pregnant!
How did it go meeting new people? Any nice people about??
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Apr 20, 2010 19:06:24 GMT
it was a good night overall i suppose, just nervous throughout, even left early not been good since i was last on, just cant even type.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 20, 2010 19:48:32 GMT
I know you have been struggling mate, but to be fair you have had no/little support and it is no wonder! Hopefully when you can get a decent GP and proper support under your belt things might start to improve...
The Homestart thing you mentioned sounds like a good idea! I was going to volunteer for Homestart once, but hubby threatened divorce if I took any more on...
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on Apr 28, 2010 22:15:45 GMT
you do do loads huN! not been doing too well still the homestart visit went well, but nerving, the volunteer is from the posh area of grimsby and well dressed etc, neednt work so volunteering is nice................so i was a bit nervous. dont even know what to put, usually i'll type when im ''on my way up'', but im not im going deeper into a downer again. was in hops with a migraine the other day though, that wasnt nice....
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Post by gizmoracer on Apr 29, 2010 18:49:14 GMT
Kitty, I just wanted to pop on and say Hi. I have only just noticed you are back. Sounds like your going through it. A huge well done for leaving Rik I remember reading your old posts and feeling so bad for how he treated you. How far are you in your pregnancy now?
Sorry this is a short post I'm on my way out but just wanted you to know I'm here for you as well.
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Post by winegirl on May 1, 2010 7:26:52 GMT
You ok hun?? I hope you are coming out of the down? Drop us a line when you feel up to it to let us know how you are doing??
WG xxx
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on May 3, 2010 12:24:37 GMT
well I'm on my own for the week, no Mollie, shes with Rik. I'm petrified. mum came up to visit during the week and went back down on the train with them, and she admitted later that he had worried her. he still has that twitch, and 'madness' eye roll. hes still not right, and couldn't handle Mollie on the train. he earns nearing thirty grand a year, and kicked off because i didn't provide her buggy (which Ive struggled with since last month as he broke it and says i should pay for another- i bought the last three! he says i get enough off him) and kicked off because i didn't provide any food or amusement for the train, and nappies. she actually ran out that day so i didn't bother, she'll use the train loo and holds it in really well. I'm not sleeping I'm so worried about her. mum admitted he had manipulated her over the year to think he was a victim he was good etc, but the train journey worried her. its odd. 'career'-wise i couldn't be doing any better, I'm going to be featured in bizarre mag next month, I'm giving kiss a run for their money in merch lmfao and it all is going over my head things are going so well with that. we've got a full kitchen now, which helps alot! im not as low with being able to cook properly and wash our clothes etc. but a lot of the time when its just me and mollie in the house, i dont know what to do. im too bad to even play with her in the garden, she needs proper supervision as the garden isnt too safe here. thanks to my SPD im barely able to move, i cant pick her up at all. shes a big girl anyway... i do sit down with her and do sums and letters, and let her draw etc, but i cant do anything else with her. she gets frustrated i can tell, shes restless and wants to go places, but i cant push the buggy up curbs. she copes really well though. i think she actually understands im scared, when shes with other kids she blows me away her speech, the lot shes so perfect and bright. if i try to stop riks visits his family will fight me and will use my mental health against me. im so scared, but for her sake i know it may not happen or it may not be what life is like, but i need him out our lives. its for the best for both of us. im willing to answer her questions when she asks why i stopped daddy seeing her.
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on May 4, 2010 12:21:08 GMT
i. want. to. die.
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Post by gizmoracer on May 4, 2010 13:16:39 GMT
Kitty you're going through a nasty time at the moment and belive me I understand how it feels to just not want to be here anymore. Do you feel you can talk about it on here? or are somethings too personal?
I have just read your message in the pregnancy forum. You've come along way since your loss, obviously it's not easy with the SPD and a little one to try and amuse. I know you are worried about her being away but remember it is also a chance for you to try and relax without feeling guilty for not doing things with her.
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on May 4, 2010 13:37:51 GMT
im starting to give her the life my mum gave me she doesnt deserve this i just have an inability to do anything. make the right decisions... shes getting frustrated. im petrified of her behaviour when she gets back its got to be all me. im arguing with louis constantly. every day is a bloody fight im sick of it its too hard and i just want to give in! constantly bloody numb! my heart pounding every beat, living where i am away from my family because his family promised me they'd help, but he refused to tell them how severe my depression was, so thy think im just a moody b@tch now, and im not allowed into their home! i cant leave, i cant take mollie away from things shes grown to love now, id rather be miserable the rest of my life making sure she gets the best life. i cant do this today. too much going on. had my baby die two years ago this week, im too too sad. unexpected bills going out thanks to louis not caring to pay (mean to be my Christmas present but he's yet to pay a single bill) can the midwife do anything? i dont want to ring nhs or anywhere. dont want to call anyone tbh. i just want to rot
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Post by winegirl on May 4, 2010 16:49:49 GMT
Mate I am so sorry I am just picking this up - just got in from work. Have seen your pm too - and will reply shortly, just wanted to offer you some support here first before bedtime routine.
Mate, you are NOT going down the same path of your mother, if you were you wouldnt care and wouldnt be writing all this stuff. You are on a downer now, you have felt it coming on the last few days, and with the anniversary of your baby's detah is it really any wonder?
You do an incredible job, and mate, without being heavily pregnant, I dont want to sit and play with Isabelle all day either! I am lucky that I get to go out to work everyday while she has childcare really, otherwise I would be sat at home doing a bit of drawing etc with her.. this is NORMAL mate - we are adults who are not geared up to wanting to play with kids all the time.
Think of the fun she will have with her little sister soon though! She can be your little helper at first and then grow up with a play mate.
Its shite that Lois family wont let you in their house! If that is the case, how are they going to see their grandchild???
Mate, hang in there. This is a downer. You know you will come out of this and we are here for you?
Text if you need to mate, and let me know you are ok??
WG xxx
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Kitty
Full member
struggling
Posts: 80
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Post by Kitty on May 4, 2010 17:02:32 GMT
feeling pretty destructive too, which is hard because im fighting it so much, i cant be destructive with this inside me, because i'll end up making her ill or worse. but thats the case. im crying so much im being sick, my sisters having a go at me for blubbing on facebook, because she says rik will have mollie taken off me if he sees. now louis is home, ignored my tears, was real harsh and turned his xbox on straight away. another rik. great. the only thing thats missing is that hes not controlling me or beating me up! or asking for his dinner... my mums been quite good since she came to visit though, really understanding. i just want mollie to hold. but shes already seen me cry too much, she just tells me its ok mummy, shes flippin two! she comforts me like a friend should! i just want my mollie here to hug. its killing me being alive. i just want her to have the best life and thats with me, not with rik, but i cant fight every day. i just want to give up
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