ive been keeping offline for a while now. im worse than ive ever been.
not my usual doc, but A doc put me on amytriptilyne ?? at rudys 6week check, and its not helping. shes 16weeks now, nearing 17, and ive never been this bad.
i thought id better get on here while i quickly checked my bank, because facebook scares me, and the kitty profile got deleted, so i set up a personal and professional, and cant bare to go on it.
things are bad to the point where im taking painkillers for nothing.
im drinking irish cream out of a cup because it looks like tea to others.
im pretty sure louis is blissfully unaware.
i didnt think of hurting myself untl just this morning when i was putting away a decorating tray and there was a sharp blade on there.
we think i miscarried a couple of weeks ago too. heard nothing from the doctor about it still he sent it off.
i have noticed a pattern to me becoming down, because i get very very anxious. panic attacks, or 'waves' as i call them, because theyre not always full attacks just nervousness, and the feeling of anxiety and detached. not in this reality sometimes, so im scared im blacking out.
i didnt make my coucilling at the docs because its a tenner in taxi just to get to it, and i dont know which stop to get off at on bus. i just panic on busses.
im just really confused. its not like i want to die, i just want it all to stop.
i cant stop my past ruling my life.
theres very few people who text me back if im ''on one'' an asking for help.
im getting violent now as well, throwing things, overreacting, its like it kills me to hold it in, whereas before, i could control it now i cant. i ripped one of louis' things off the wall last night and started stabbing it because it said on his rota he was off today and he went and asked why it says hes off three days this week when hes only allowed two, and so late last night decided to tell me he was working today, and i went ballistic.
he knows now i need to be told in advance so i can plan and be prepared if hes going to be in work. i cant cope too well on my own esp in these moods.
changing how i look doesnt work anymore neither.
and being what appears to be an oddly shaped size twelve. when last year at one point i barely fit a size 6. im not flabby, just more built than i was, and none of my clothes fit. still. i know its only four months but i was straight back in my clothes after mollie.
like i say its not like i want to die, that wouldnt be fair on the girls, but i just want it all to go away.
louis' past haunts me too. on top of my own, because several times at the start of our relationship i had to face it, erm, head on. quite visually.... im not sure if all men keep pictures of....exes on their pc or not....
ive pretty much given up trying to model too, or perform. its much too bitchy nowadays, and the fact everyone keeps suggesting i model for a certain company, the owner is a hussy, and kept on at louis when we first met and was seeing each other they both were still at it. makes my skin crawl, and it would be unprofessional of me to turn round and scream, no i dont want to model for that homewreckers company!!!
(she has a few relationships and marriages wrecked under her belt)
i best go because rudy i waking up.
new facebook is just under rachel hatton now.
god im so sad