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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 29, 2012 9:41:40 GMT
Hi all, So for those who don't know me, I had a baby girl called Emily on 19th Dec. it wasn't the best labour and I had to have 15 stitches.. They were worse then the birth!
I went hope the next day and felt fine, 2 days later I woke up with the awful low feeling and said to my husband what if I want to hurt Emily on purpose! His reaction obviously was shocking, he said some pretty horrible things but after researching PNI he realised this was part of the symptoms. I made an appointment to see my doctor the next day as I was so disgusted in what I was feeling. Was Given AD's and tile to come back the next week. After a week on the mess didn't feel any better think I was expecting too much.
Doctor also said I have high anxiety which I already knew as I had previously suffered many panic attacks. Carried on with the medication and went back a month later still feeling the same and now having thoughts about harming myself or just not wanting to carry on anymore! He gave me 40 mg instead of the 20mg, I do feel like these are slowly working but nothing major. The doctor also gave me diazapam to help with the anxiety but I was not keen to take that and still haven't!
I've been taking Emily to baby massage to try and help with the bonding again feel that this has helped a little bit but not too much, it makes me really sad as I see these mums looking so happy when I'm feeling so low.
My husband and my best friend have been a rock to me and I couldn't wish for any better, but I just cannot shift this empty and lonely feeling. I Being assessed my a phsciatrist next month and have been referred for CBT too hopefully that helps. I feel like I am going mad hearing my brain constantly thinking all of the time.
I am so unhappy and can't face this anymore xxx
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Post by kelly30staples on Jan 29, 2012 11:31:12 GMT
hi
my names kelly just wanted to say hi
and i had a lil girl in november and have all the same sort of feelings but they will go away and stay away i cant be more help sorry but ur not alone xx
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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 29, 2012 12:16:09 GMT
Thanks Kelly, it's nice to know there are other people out there the same as me. Such a horrible feeling isn't it, how are you coping? Xx
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Post by kelly30staples on Jan 29, 2012 14:31:52 GMT
its a terrible feeling but everyone keeps telling me thats all they are but it dont stop them feeling real tho
dont want to put u off i'm struggling at min but these guys are great on here
xx
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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 29, 2012 15:51:11 GMT
Yeah i no that they are just feelings but like you say that doesn't stop them feeling really real does it... It's still early days for us both I suppose just feels like I'm living by each day as it comes ya know!
I have had a few good days, but then i start feeling guilty that I've had a good day and feel shit all over again I can't win! Xx
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Post by Weeble on Jan 29, 2012 21:26:31 GMT
Hi Kerry and welcome
Things will get better but it takes time. Don't be hard on yourself. These first Months are very hard, you've just had a baby you are exhausted and You are unwell. Be very kind to yourself
Kat
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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 30, 2012 7:48:45 GMT
Thanks Kat,
I know I need to be easy on myself because I am Ill, but even saying that upsets me I don't know why.
I feel like I need to just be me again, not constantly crying or on edge, I never imagined I could ever feel this way. Today I've woken up with the same anxious feeling not knowing what the day will bring. It's like I'm always worried and I never used to be like that. I want it all to be over now.
Xx
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Post by juppster on Jan 30, 2012 9:36:10 GMT
Welcome to the diary section kerry!! Have replied to you in your other thread but really hope you find this section beneficial. Keep talking xxx
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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 31, 2012 8:02:45 GMT
So it's Tuesday morning, another morning. Back to square one feeling like rubbish being anxious and shaking!! Had a bad night sleep my daughter didn't settle well and I have a horrible cough that kept me awake, my husband was tired too and was getting very stressed with Emily which made me anxious as he's normally do calm and cool. Just feel really down this morning and teary ( xxx
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Post by juppster on Jan 31, 2012 9:33:10 GMT
Morning Kerry, remember the mornings are always the worst part of the day and your anxiety will be heightened even more by not getting a good nights sleep and feeling poorly. Remember just to do the basics each day, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Keep writing xx
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Post by monica on Jan 31, 2012 11:26:30 GMT
Hugs Kerry. Many ladies find mornings a struggle. As juppster said after a stressful night things will feel even bleaker. Keep telling yourself things will pick up as the day goes on. Just want to give you hope you will be yourself again. It may not happen overnight and can be a hard journey but you will recover.
I got pni after my second child. My life plummeted and I couldnt imagine ever feeling normal again but I did recover and went on to have another child.
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Post by kerryt1987 on Jan 31, 2012 13:01:41 GMT
That's just it I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and my life just seems dull, boring and no longer exciting!!
These last 6 weeks seem to have lasted a life time and I can't help but think I cannot carry on like this forever if that makes sense, I tend to find I'm better around my friends than when I'm home alone with the baby. All I want is to smile because I'm happy and not because I'm faking it so everyone else thinks I'm okay. I'm sick and tired trying to put on a brave face I want to be me again and I know it will all take time but I'm so impatient and hate saying that I am ill.
I want this all to be over now I just want to feel relaxed in my own home without feeling nervous, like I used too. I know I have to be easy to myself but it's so hard when I feel so low and upset and like a failure all of the time xxx
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Post by juppster on Jan 31, 2012 18:41:45 GMT
Hey Kerry Did your afternoon get any easier? I know when i was at the stage that you are now, i couldn't find much comfort from the reassurance of the other girls on here...it feels totally relentless i know....just hold on to the fact that it will gradually get easier, especially once you start your cbt. Keep going girl, you are doing fab xx
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Post by kelly30staples on Jan 31, 2012 18:48:07 GMT
hi
how are you feeling today xx
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Post by kerryt1987 on Feb 1, 2012 7:19:26 GMT
Hi girls,
Yesterday afternoon got a little bit better spent the day with a close friend just chilling and Watching movies. I've registered for that free online CBT therapy that was posted on this website too and they are going to contact me.
It's morning again and like I said this is when I feel at my worst, I woke up this morning at 4 for no reason and couldn't get back to sleep I was really sweaty and shaky which I am again this morning.
For me I know that the reason I am anxious today is because I am spending the day on my own with my daughter. Because of the thoughts I have had about harming her I worry that being on my own I will actually loose control and do something. Deep down in my heart I know I would never hurt her because I do love her but it's just this awful feeling. It's like when others are around I no I have the support and distraction if that makes sense.
I can't keep on feeling like this, it's like I'm living someone else's life you know.
Xxx
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