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Post by emily1985 on Dec 10, 2017 18:04:43 GMT
Hi Monica. Today has been hard. Despite the fact my husband has been at home, because it snowed we ended up staying in all day, and as a result baby wouldn’t nap (he’ll only really nap during the day if he’s in his pram or the car). In some ways though at least my husband got to see what he can really be like. I think previously he thought that baby was easy!
I found myself getting so angry with my husband today, I ended up shouting at him and we got into an argument. I’ve been working really hard to try and get a routine going so that baby knows when sleep is coming and when play time is so that he can start to distinguish between the two. My husband offered to look after baby this afternoon whilst I had some me time but the routine I’ve been trying to establish went right out the window. I know he was trying to help, I really do, but I was so frustrated. He convinced me to have a baby in the first place and now he’s the one who gets to swan off to work, come home and play with him for an hour two then sleep all night. I’m the one who’s stuck at home in an endless and relentless cycle of shit. I resent his freedom and am angry with him for making me live this life.
I don’t want to just be a mother. I want my old identity back. There’s more to me than ‘mum’. I’m a teacher, a wife, a daughter, a friend, I like to read, I like wine, I like heavy rock music, I like colourful hair etc etc. But all of that has gone now and I’m just ‘mum of Sebastian’. There’s so much more to me but I feel as though I’m dwindling away to nothing. I’ve forgotten how to be happy and I’ve forgotten how to relax and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be myself, because at the moment I’m not. I’m going through the motions and pretending that everything’s fine when it really isn’t.
Baby is currently crying and I feel sick because I can’t cope with it. I thought the Sertraline was working a bit and I wasn’t having as many down days, but this is as bad as I’ve ever felt.
I’m sorry to moan. I sound so self indulgent.
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Post by monica on Dec 12, 2017 18:20:38 GMT
Hi You're not moaning nor self indulgent - you're just struggling with this terrible illness. This your place to offload however you wish.
You're not just mum - you're you too with opinions , desires etc. Anyone who does anything for a prolonged period, will struggle and I certainly found motherhood quite tedious and completely exhausting on many occasions.
How are things with hubby post argument? He probably just doesn't understand how things are for you. Could you talk to him? Try to explain how you're feeling. Like many working men they don't experience your day and in the face of it it may see easy. Remember this was its an argument. Every couple has them. Try to keep the communication flowing .
Coukd you see your dr? Maybe tweaking of meds would help? X
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Post by monica on Dec 17, 2017 8:28:17 GMT
How are you doing Emily? X
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Post by emily1985 on Dec 17, 2017 18:36:40 GMT
Hi again Monica. Thank you for checking in on me. I don’t seem to get much time nowadays so it can be tricky to get on here to write anything.
I’ve had a good weekend. It was my work Christmas do on Friday so husband looked after the baby, and then today was my birthday so I had a lovely family meal out. It was good to see everyone and celebrate and remember that there is life outside of these four walls!
My mood seems to be very up and down. One day, even one hour, I’ll feel ok, and tell myself that I’ve got this, but then the next day or the next hour I spiral and I end up feeling utterly useless and miserable. I think my moods are very much dependent on baby’s. I suppose because I’m not always down I would say that the Sertraline is working? It’s difficult to say whether it’s the medication or just getting used to everything a little more.
Things with the husband have been a bit better too. I suspect I’ve been giving him a hard time unfairly because like I said before I resent his freedom. But that isn’t his fault, it’s what we agreed, and actually he’s still doing what he can when he’s at home anyway. I know I’m in a very privileged position in that I do have a supportive husband, but then again that makes me feel even more guilty at times for feeling the way I do.
I’m hoping the good days become more the norm than the bad ones before too long. I’m looking forward to getting Christmas out of the way though. It’ll be doubly hard since my mum isn’t here.x
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Post by monica on Dec 20, 2017 17:13:06 GMT
Hi
Belated Happy Birthday! So pleased you had a nice day and that you enjoyed the work Christmas do ! It's nice to get out and about .
I'm sure the ups and downs are very hard to manage especially when you're on the roller coaster many times a day. In time this will slow down but it's so draining. It's wonderful your hubby is so supportive and only what you deserve. Pni for me was the most horrendous journey but I promise you it will get easier.
I'm sorry you've lost your mum. Christmas can be so hard when remembering loved ones who aren't around anymore particularly your mum who I'm guessing would be there for you whilst struggling. Maybe do something g on the day to remember her by - it might be painful but sort of comforting too?
Big hugs you're doing brilliantly x
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Post by monica on Dec 29, 2017 23:05:26 GMT
HiEmily
How did Christmas go?
Monica x
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 2, 2018 10:04:18 GMT
Hi Monica. A happy new year to you! Thank you for checking in on me again.
Christmas was actually ok in the end. It really highlighted how much easier everything is when my husband is at home to help - with baby and with my mental state. He’s been brilliant, taking the reigns and allowing me to get some proper rest and recuperate a bit. I don’t know what I’d do without him to be honest.
He went back to work today though and I started the day with that familiar sense of dread. The health visitor is coming this morning which is a good thing, since it means I’m not on my own all morning. I’m a little worried that I’m developing an anxiety about being on my own. I hate being alone because I still feel woefully incapable at looking after my own child.
I’ve got an appointment next week to meet with the group for mums who haven’t bonded with their babies. I don’t know how I feel about it because I don’t want to be seen as a failure and the group will mean admitting that I’m still not coping. But everyone has told me I have to go, including my husband, so I suppose I do have to because I need to be seen to be trying to make myself better too.
I just want this whole thing to get easier now. It’s been a very long 11 weeks since baby was born and everyone keeps telling me it gets easier, but I’m yet to see much evidence of that. I can’t face the prospect of it being like this for the next few years! I guess I do feel more able to cope at least some of the time now which is an improvement, but it just isn’t consistent.
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 2, 2018 19:34:41 GMT
11 weeks - it feels like forever but it's such a short time, and you're still so new at this. I remember taking ds out to a group at 11 weeks - it was the first time I actually took him to anything with other babies and I was utterly exhausted - that was without pni as I only got ill will my second baby. You're doing great at helping yourself, give yourself some credit.
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Post by monica on Jan 4, 2018 16:10:17 GMT
Hi
I agree with FF 11 weeks is nothing and every baby is different. You're doing an amazing job clearly - try to focus on that. It seems to me your fear of being alone with baby and confidence as a mum need boosting. I assure you you won't be seen as a failure by attending the group - it's such a positive thing to do. You've highlighted and admitted to the bonding issue and are taking proactive steps to help yourself. Let us know how you get on.
So pleased Xmas was good for you. Glad hubby has helped out - he sounds like a gem! Maybe if you feel Monday's are quite tough for you coukd you arrange something for Mon morning - coffee with friends , join a group or whatever suits you. It'll distract you and give you a boost x
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Post by Leanne_h on Jan 6, 2018 23:05:12 GMT
Hi Emily,
Just seen your post and couldn't read and run! I am just starting to wean down from Sertraline now. I was on 200mg at the height of my postnatal depression but now down to 100mg and doing really well. Looking at your posts I could have written them myself 18 months ago. I went to my children's centre the first time and totally freaked as it was all too much for me at the time and too overwhelming. Like you I used to hate it everytime my little boy cried and wished he would just sleep and leave me alone...the other day my husband was moaning at me because our son wouldn't sleep and I was sat there stroking his hair because I didn't want to leave him. I never thought I would be here now and feeling like this and having the love I do for my son. If I'm honest I didn't think I would make it through but I have. I do equally know it probably isn't much comfort to you at the moment as I'm not sure I would have believed it myself when I was where you are.
I also remember the weeks between psychology appointments feeling like a lifetime and literally counting down the time until I could go back. It's a horrific illness but you will beat it and it will make you a stronger person at the end of it.
Try and quash the ruminating of negative thoughts and keep busy as much as you can. At first it will feel like you are forcing yourself and going through the motions but it will start to become more natural as time goes on. I sat in 5 weeks of baby massage classes literally hating every minute because all I could think of was how much I couldn't cope and how low I felt. It gets easier, firstly just glimpses and the odd hour where you feel better. Soon you will go a whole day and eventually you begin to realise that you are just experiencing the mortal ups and downs of life.
You are doing amazingly though and you are doing so much to help yourself you will be able to fight this and will feel yourself again!! I'm here if you want to talk xx
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 7, 2018 18:32:40 GMT
Thank you so much for the support ladies. I signed up for a baby development course actually Leanne, which starts on Tuesday. It involves baby massage, baby sign language and a few other bits. I will be for the most part, as you said, going through the motions, but at least it will get me out of the house and at least it’s something positive to try and help myself.
I’m definitely beginning to see a slither of light at the end of the tunnel. Baby slept though the night for the first time last night and it’s amazing how much a decent night’s sleep can improve my mood. I’m also realising more and more that I do love my baby, just not in the way I’d expected to. I’d expected the overwhelming sense of all consuming love everyone talks about, and when that didn’t happen I felt like a failure. But actually, as time goes on I’m still caring for him, I’m still trying my absolutely best to bring him up properly, and I wouldn’t do that unless there was some sort of bond there. I guess it’s like any other relationship in that it takes time to get to know your baby and develop love for them.
I think I’m also feeling slightly more positive because I’m nearly half way through my maternity leave, as I’m only taking 6 months off. The thought of going back to work and living by routine again and having a sense of purpose is really spurring me on.
I know that there’ll still be dark moments and even dark days, but the moments at which I feel ok are increasing, and ok is good enough.x
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Post by monica on Jan 7, 2018 21:45:46 GMT
Brilliant news! Those good times will increase - hold onto them when the blips come.
It sounds as if you've really turned a corner. Enjoy the group - it will help hugely...and keep talking x
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 8, 2018 14:17:11 GMT
That's lovely Emily, you sound so down to earth and with a good grip on what's going on in your head. I wish I had as much insight. Your wee boy is lucky to have you. I hope you have lots more good days ahead of you.
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Post by leanneh on Jan 10, 2018 22:53:29 GMT
You are doing so much to help yourself Emily that is amazing!! Once you start to see those chinks of light everything starts to get a little easier because even on the darkest days a small part of you even a tiny part can remember that it won't be dark forever and that really helps. People always said to me to take it in small steps and I never really took it in but now can see how helpful that was. It's such a huge thing you are going through that taking it step by step won't make it seem like such a mountain to climb. Hopefully you will find the class really helpful. I used to find doing things late morning or early afternoon the best as if I went out in the morning and then was at home all afternoon my mind had time to wander whereas the morning was always busy anyway and it helped me having something early afternoon to look forward to. When you get back then you haven't got long to go until dad will come home and help. X
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 14, 2018 18:03:54 GMT
Today has been a dark day. For whatever reason, baby has been really grouchy today and has been crying a lot. From day one more or less, my main anxiety has stemmed from his crying. Also, I was waiting for the magical 12 week mark where people told me it was going to suddenly get easier, and now it feels doubly hard because it isn’t. I was feeling positive in that I thought of the first 12 weeks as a hurdle to overcome, but now he’s 12 weeks old and I don’t suddenly feel loads better and now I don’t feel as though I have anything to aim for, almost like it’s going to be permanently hard from now on.
I feel so tired at the moment too, which I don’t understand because baby is actually sleeping well. I feel as though I could just sleep for days on end. I’ve had a headache for three solid days too and my migraine tablets aren’t working. I’m wondering whether it’s a stress headache?
I’m worried about tomorrow again and I haven’t worried like this about my husband being at work for a couple of weeks now. Why has my worry suddenly come back? Why can’t I get my head around the fact I have a baby now? It’s been 3 months for god’s sake. Other mums just seem so well adjusted and know exactly what to do with their babies, but sometimes I just look at him and literally don’t have a clue what to do or say. Why hadn’t my maternal instinct kicked in yet?
When does all this get easier? Xx
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