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Post by monica on Jan 23, 2018 16:18:32 GMT
Hi Emily
How was your night out? Hope it was great and you relaxed.
How was your weekend ? How was yesterday - I know Monday's can be hard for you? Did you go to the group today?
The ups and downs which change daily can be so hard as well as the uncertainty how you will feel in a given time as well as lack of control over this. But it does improve and settle down x
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 23, 2018 18:42:01 GMT
Hi ladies. Yesterday wasn’t so bad, even though it was a Monday. We stayed in all day but my sister came over and we watched a few films and ate popcorn and that was a good way to spend the day. I really dislike being on my own so it helps when family and friends keep me company.
I did indeed go to the baby group today and I also went to my first session exploring how to develop my bond with Seb. I thought it was a group, but it was just me, Seb and a therapist. It was actually really helpful because I got to explore a lot of feelings which I haven’t really verbalised to anyone, and it felt like a safe space to do that. I’ve got 6 sessions planned and I’m actually weirdly looking forward to them. The lady leading it explained that it’s a space for me and Seb to use however we wish, so we could just talk to her or we could play or whatever helps. I had worried that it might be a waste of time because I do feel I’ve come a long way since he was born, but actually I think there’s certainly no harm in going and there’s still a lot I’ve got to work through, including, apparently, properly grieving for my mum. Because I got pregnant only 7 months after she died, the therapist thought that there may be some underlying issues there. I don’t know for sure but I guess we’ll see.
I do feel like I’m making small steps, even though it’s a bit ‘2 steps forward, 1 step back’. But some days I don’t wake up feeling sick any more, and some days I look forward to getting out or seeing someone, and a couple of months ago eveey single day it seemed like an incredible effort just to carry on breathing. I still have days where I feel like a failure but not every day.
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Post by leanneh on Jan 24, 2018 0:36:11 GMT
That's great Emily. I'm so glad the sessions are proving useful. Sometimes days like you had on Monday are what yOu need to recharge your batteries. If you feel better with company maybe try and plan little bits in for each day so you don't have time to think about it. I used to put things in for late morning/early afternoon knowing that by the time I got up and got both of us ready it was pretty much time to go and see people and keep busy and then by the time I was done I knew it wasn't long until hubby would be home.
What ever you do just cling onto those good times!! If you wake up feeling crappy just constantly remind yourself that an hour, an afternoon or a day later you may have a chink of light as that's what will give you the hope to keep fighting. Eventually those periods will get longer and longer and it will all get easier to bear. X
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Post by monica on Jan 25, 2018 20:07:10 GMT
Hi Emily
You're really coming on in leaps and bounds. So pleased you're feeling so positive (yes you are!) and enjoy the sessions with the lady and S, groups and time with family and friends and just looking forward! So brilliant to hear x
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 26, 2018 20:27:40 GMT
I think I’ve had a break through. Husband and I are going away for the night tomorrow for his birthday and so my sister in law is babysitting. I’m teary just thinking about leaving baby. I know it’s stupid and it’s only one night but I just keep thinking how I haven’t spent more than a couple of hours away from him since I got pregnant. Surely that means there’s some sort of bond between us, even if I don’t always feel it?
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frogface
Private Board (R) Member
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Post by frogface on Jan 26, 2018 21:55:41 GMT
Aw yes you do love him of course you do, every time he cries it's your love causing the anxiety - so nice to feel it another way too. That's wonderful.
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Post by monica on Jan 27, 2018 8:13:43 GMT
The bond is definately there and always has been even if you didn't always feel it as well as the love for S. I hope this gives you confidence of that.
Have a amazing night away - it'll be great for you and hubby to have some 'me' time. I always found separation stressful until I left the house then I relaxed. Have s wonderful time - I'm sure S will enjoy being pampered by Aunty! X
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Post by leanneh on Jan 28, 2018 14:00:46 GMT
Totally agree with the above! The illness makes you question the bond but it is always there no doubt about it! Agreed also that it's the bond that makes your anxieties go into overdrive with the pni! How was the night away? I hope you enjoyed it! I know when I started doing things for me I felt a lot more like the old me and not just a mummy!xxx
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 28, 2018 17:04:17 GMT
We had a lovely evening thank you. It was so nice to have dinner and a few drinks and relax a bit. I did miss S though, which took me rather by surprise!
If you have PNI to some degree with a baby, does it necessarily follow that you are more likely to suffer with future children? Are you more prone to it somehow? Not that I’m considering having any more - I’m really not at the moment. But husband mentioned that perhaps it would be nice to have more in the future and I’m frightened that I’ll feel the same - or worse - next time (if there is to be a next time). And what if another baby is harder than S?
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Post by monica on Jan 29, 2018 9:16:57 GMT
Don't panic! Whilst you are at higher risk of having Pni with subsequent children you are now prepared, know what to expect and where to go for help. You can plan with your dr/midwife - talking therapy and if deemed necessary medication can be used to help. Forewarned is forearmed and preventative measures can mean you won't be ill or it will be minimised.
I got Pni after my second child. The main factor for me was exhaustion as instead of resting everyday I would push myself into being some (ridiculous) perfect mother and I just burned myself out I went on to have a third child, who was a terrible sleeper however I took every opportunity to rest and was very kind to myself and for me that was enough to remain Pni free.
Whilst having another child must feel frightening and daunting it is still very early days - in 6 months time or a year you will be in a much much more positive place and may see things differently at the very least whatever you chose to do won't be governed by fear.
So please you had a great night away with hubby. It's so important to have that time for yourselves and I hope it's helped reinforce how well you're doing with regards to your feelings towards S X.
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 29, 2018 17:51:24 GMT
So I got a phone call today out of the blue from a family support worker, offering help. Apparently I’ve been referred by the health visitor because I have longstanding depression and anxiety and now have PND and anxiety. I feel terrible. I thought I’d come a long way but now I feel like I’m a complete and utter failure as a mother. I had no idea the HV was referring me for support like that and I feel like I must be a real concern, like they think I’m going to harm S or like I’m off my rocker or something. They must think I’m a safeguarding concern and that I’m doing a terrible job of being a mum. I feel so disappointed because I really thought I was getting somewhere. Everybody is judging me and I didn’t realise it.
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Post by monica on Jan 29, 2018 18:02:06 GMT
You're not being judged! Often it's simply a tick box exercise. Because you have Pni you automatically get referred to services who offer support. In all fairness the hv could ha e referred you a while back when you weren't in such a good place. I got referred to a number of services too. I met and was allocated a home start support lady but by the time she was due to visit me meds had really kicked in well and I felt I didn't need her so cancelled.,
Really don't take it personally - see it as a potentially another avenue of support. Why don't you find out what she has to offer, decide if it's something you would benefit from. You never know it might be something really good - if not you can always decline saying you feel you're doing so much better you don't need it.
You have come along so far - try not to misinterpret this for crazy women who can't look after their kids and have no hope of getting better - you're doing amazingly, have always been a fantastic mum and you have control in what options you can take up x
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 29, 2018 18:11:56 GMT
Is a family support worker the same as a social worker?
I’m more upset I think by the fact that the HV didn’t tell me she was referring me. That makes me think that she’s more concerned than she has let on. The secrecy about it has sent my anxiety into overdrive. I just can’t distance my job from this - and I know, being a teacher, what this all looks like and what it means. I don’t want to be a bad mother and I don’t want to be one of those families who fails their child.
It feels so unfair that I’ve spent my life trying to do things properly and now some people think I’m failing. That’s certainly how it feels anyway.
I know it’s extra support but I honestly thought I was recovering and getting better. I’m going to the therapy sessions and I do the baby development course and I even missed S at the weekend. I’ve felt more rested and I’ve been generally feeling more like myself, and now I wonder whether I was fooling myself.
I’m so sorry to go on about this. You guys must be sick of me ranting on here.
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Post by monica on Jan 29, 2018 21:26:49 GMT
This is your place to offload and were not sick of it at all. You have every right to be annoyed and upset and finding out about the referral without being told for all the reasons youve mentioned. It's a horrible shock even though I don't think there are any sinister reasons behind it but completely understand why it has made you feel this way.
You are recovering and have come on in leaps and bounds in a relatively short space of time and that's down to YOU. Don't let this knock your confidence . Why don't you speak to your health visitor about this and tell her how's it's made you feel.
In reply to your question I believe sometimes a family support worker can be part of social services but not always. Nowadays there is frequently a multi agency approach with services being interlinked and overlapping one another. Something else you could ask the hv about X
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 29, 2018 22:23:58 GMT
Emily you have come a really long way. Try not to let this knock you down. I was visited by social work several times and was so mortified by the whole thing, didn't find it helpful- but that's because I was too busy feeling just like you to realise it had been set up as another option for help. Anyway they came a few times and saw the kids were fine and eventually found somewhere better to go. I know that's not helpful, just totally empathise with that feeling of people talking behind your back, just the whole thing really. I'm so sorry it's made you feel bad. You're doing brilliantly.
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