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Post by marion on Jun 4, 2006 15:58:30 GMT
If it's any consolation it took us nearly 9 yrs to get married!!!!!!!! Even then I felt like I pushed MArk into it. So I agre with you that it is a typical man thing! Love Marion.
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 5, 2006 10:50:11 GMT
got cpn coming at 12.30 to talk about changing my meds. really down the nightmares are getting worse, i cant sleep as if i do i know I'm going to have the nightmare. been scratching my arms again i really can not cope at the moment. i feel as if I'm on the end of a cliff hanging on by my fingernails. i can feel all the dirt all over my body from what that ba***rd did to me, i need the closure cos I'm on the verge of cracking up. why has if all popped up in my head again after so many years. i hate it. when i have the nightmares i feel as if I'm being raped all over again. i feel so unclean i want to scratch my arms or cut myself. i feel so ugly and dirty i want to die to make all this crap go away. i keep thinking about taking all my tablet so i can end all this crap. i want it all to go away, im doing nothing but crying i want it all to stop.
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Post by cheshire on Jun 5, 2006 11:09:55 GMT
Hi Hannah,
Sorry you're having such a hard time right now - here for you if you need to talkxxx
Hope it goes ok with your CPN, thinking of you
Love and hugs, Hopefulxxx
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Post by marion on Jun 5, 2006 11:10:41 GMT
Oh Hannah. I'm so sorry things are so bad right now for you. Hope your meeting with the cpn goes ok - let us know how it goes. Love Marion.
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 5, 2006 17:21:39 GMT
cpn came at 12.30 and didn't leave until 2.10pm. we talked about why i have been feeling so bad, she said its cos I'm talking about my rapes so its making all the hurt come to the surface. i told her about when i was living with his man that he used to hit me, feel me i was a stupid little girl and would treat me like crap. when he wanted sex i would have to let him or he would hold me down and take it anyway. i always cried and pleaded with him not to do it but he just carried on. my cpn said it sound like he took advantage of me cos i was vulnerable. also she said it sound like he raped me more than once.
she said she wont change my tablet cos she thinks I'm looking for a quick fix to how I'm feeling and changing them now will push me back. i told her about me wanting to take all my tablets and die. she said that wouldn't solve the problem, cos my kids would want to know why i did it and i would be leaving a big mess for them to deal with emotionally.
i sometimes with i had the strength all those years ago to get him locked up. but at the time i was so weak i just wanted to go home to my mums and get on with my life.
my cpn is coming again tomorrow cos were making good progress and she doesn't want to leave it and loose the strength i got at the moment to be able to talk.
i feel the counseling is helping me but some times i feel I'm going around in circles.
my cpn wants me to do a dream diary, to write down in detail about what happens and how it effects me.
feeling abit better for talking to her but we will have to see how tomorrows section goes.
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Post by marion on Jun 5, 2006 18:57:31 GMT
Hi Hannah YOu are doing so well to donfront things whcih are obviously so painful for you, especailly right now when you're not emotionally at your strongest. Well done for being so open with your cpn about how things really are for you and for talking about things which you havent before. I've only recently started telling my cpn about some of the things I really think about - couldnt do it before but I'm glad it;s out in the open and he knows the full picture as I think that it's only when they know everything that they can fully understand what thoguhts we get each day and then they can work out how best to help us. I havent been keeping a dream diary but I do keep a thought diary where I write down all the things that make me anxious and worried thoruhgout the day (it's very long!) which I think has helped my cpn understand what I go through each day and how doing the simplest thing like crossing a road can trigger off a stream of thoughts that no one esle would even think about. I'm sure your dream diary, although very hard, will really help your sessions. I hope tomorrow's session is as productive. Let us know how you go. Love Marion.
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 7, 2006 6:41:31 GMT
kirstie couldn't come out yesterday as she had a emergency call with one of her other patients so i didn't get to finish my session.
I'm in a good mood today, feel great. me and martin have set the date for our wedding so all the excitement of that keeping me in a fantastic mood. we set it for the 8th sept 07. its really exciting, i cant wait to go dress shopping. i so happy at the moment.
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Post by marion on Jun 7, 2006 7:12:53 GMT
That is brilliant hannah - how exciting! You going for the full white wedding?
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Post by noodles on Jun 7, 2006 8:03:48 GMT
ah hon it makes such a difference when you have some thing to look forward to and some thing that you can concentrate and plan... (i feel the same way about moving), ahhhh when i got married it really was the happiest day, i want to do it all again but carl won't let me ... you will have the best day:)..... as marion said are you going for the full white or some thing simple?
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 9, 2006 20:44:58 GMT
feeling really good. there weather really hot so Ive spent most of the day in the garden with martin and the kids. going though a good patch at the minute i feel like i could concur the world ;D
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Post by cheshire on Jun 9, 2006 21:34:32 GMT
That is great Big hugsx
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Post by monica on Jun 10, 2006 18:44:24 GMT
Hi
So pleased you're feeling good! Do le tus knwo about your wedding plans. It all sounds so exciting.
Love
Monica
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 10, 2006 20:34:40 GMT
feeling good today. had a meeting at sure start to meet all the other parent reps from other sure starts. i found it really fun we had lots of team building / team work tasks to do. then at 12.00 i went over to my mums house and spent the rest of the day lounging in the garden in the beautiful sun.
wedding plans are going brilliant I'm really excited and its not till sept next year. ;D going for a look at dresses on Tues so I'm looking forward to that. saw the dress for angel in debermans and Ive chose the suits for my two sons. really cant wait.!!!!!
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 11, 2006 20:35:08 GMT
had a good morning, went to martins dads and spent most of the morning in the sun. we had lunch with him then came home around 4pm. got a phone call from my mother asking if i want to go over to her for a BBQ. took the kids over and i was really having a nice time until my brother hit my eldest son. i went mad!!!! i asked him why he hit him and he said Brandon was bouncing the ball near the BBQ so he hit him. i told my brother that in future if Brandon's doing something wrong then tell me. my mum asked what was going on. so i told her and she took my brothers side. i told them both that Brandon was my son and I'm the only one who should tell him off when he has done something naughty. it ended up with me leaving my mums with the kids and i told my mum I'm not talking to her until she realizes that my brother shouldn't hit my son. argggggggg parents !!!!!!!
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jun 12, 2006 10:28:58 GMT
still really annoyed and pissed at my mum. ive had no phone call to apologise no nothing. im in a really bad mood, well annoyed
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