Clarey's Diary

[clarey]

This is one of my New Years resolutions so I thought I'd better get on and start it! I have a beautiful 15 month old son who is the best thing in my life. He was very much wanted and planned. I had waited to have him until I'd studied hard, worked hard and partied very, very hard.. I'd always thought I would be a mum and when I got pregnant straight away things just seemed perfect. My pregnancy wasn't great and the birth was traumatic to say the least. After I got home from the hospital things deteriorated. I was not coping with anything and started having the most awful thoughts about myself and my baby.

Looking back now all I know I wasn't right. When my son was three months old I got mastitis and was very poorly. At this point I realised my son would not (and still wont) have a bottle or any milk that wasn't breast milk. I panicked and became very quickly unstable. I cried constantly and the hv and doctor advised me to take antidepressents. I didn't as I was afraid my son would not take a bottle. I wanted to run away and had suicidal thoughts. Somehow I carried on living on my adrenaline I suppose.

When my son was 10 months old he picked up a nasty virus and gave it to me and my husband. I was very poorly and never really shook it off. Things deteriorated over the next month. I started to get a whole host of strange physical symptoms. Too many to list. I saw doctor after doctor, got referred to a neurologist and ended up in hospital. All my tests came back ok but inbetween this, I went over the edge. I became extremely anxious and was convinced I was dying. My husband couldn't really handle it all. My mum looked after me and even slept in the same bed as me reassuring me I wasn't going to die during the night. My mum saved my life and saved me from a psychiatric ward.

Now after 4 months of prozac I am little by little recovering. Today I'm feeling crap. My period started 2 days ago but the run up to it wasn't too bad. Sometimes I can determine no pattern to anything. I feel a bit dizzy today and my right hand side is aching especially my arm. I am trying to concentrate on breathing to avoid a panic attack. It's hard sometimes though. I can feel my background anxiety levels are rising.

By the way this website also saved me. The day I came upon it I cried with relief that there were others like me. Women with physical ailments doctors could assign no diagnosis to but were ill. PNI is by far the worst thing I've ever suffered with. I never knew the depths a human being could fall to in their own mind. It has been a living hell. I think only if you have suffered with it can you know how terrible this illness is. There are a lot of brave women on here and I have gathered strength by their stories and posts that one day I will be free of this illness.

Clareyxxxx

[yoyo]

Clarey - that was so well put. You're a fighter - you WILL kick this for good one day soon SO glad to hear your mum has been such a rock for you - mum's are fab aren't they! x x

Well done x x Thanks for sharing that - keep it in mind on blips and bad days too x It'll help you through x x x

Life after PNI is so much brighter than evber before - just takes a while to find it x

[cheshire]

Dear Clarey,

I was moved when I read your diary ..in some ways I think it reminded me of my own experiences quite a bit...

..I so agree with what you write here and you've put it so well:

clarey said:

PNI is by far the worst thing I've ever suffered with. I never knew the depths a human being could fall to in their own mind. It has been a living hell. I think only if you have suffered with it can you know how terrible this illness is.

And I can honestly say that, at one point, I did not think I would ever get better.

And it has certainly taken time and alot of support, but I know I'm getting there at long last.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your diary, but just had to replyxxx

Thinking of you. Hope tomorrow's better for youx
Love
Hopefulxx

[monica]

Hi

Your story reminds me so much of my own. I too was plagued with weird physical symptoms no one could explain and I too convinced myself I was dying. This illness trully sucks but you will getbetter. I'd forgotten but I one side of my body partlicutalry my arm adn leg, would feel almost numb like and weak - I think for me it was my right. And It's so horrible when you after a relative period of feeling well, these symtpoms return. But blips are very much of the recovery process and in time they'll get shorter and less intense.

Wishing you all the best

Monica

[clarey]

Having a terrible weekend. My uncle has had a stroke and he is only in his 40's. Things are looking very, very bad for him. We have been told he is not expected to recover and it is only a matter of time. I have been to the hospital for the first time since being admitted myself. I felt a great deal of anxiety for so many reasons. My cousins are so young, just children really and the world again feels a terrifying place. The new year is not turning out to be the panacea I was hoping it would be.

ps thank you for the posts lovely ladies

[clarey]

Feeling very low, my uncle passed away on Monday. My husband is not being very supportive. I just can't talk to him. I really need to see my counsellor but because of Christmas and a few other reasons I've gone nearly a month without seeing him. Normally it's every two weeks.

Baby has been ill as well. He had a fever a couple of days ago and now he has broken out into spots all over his body. Took him to the doctors today I know it's just viral but it has set his eczema off.

Need to be strong over the next couple of days as I have a funeral to get through.

[sianyc]

I think I have posted this before but I can't remember where. Anyway ....

PNI made me much more sensitive to loss and death. My uncle died of cancer last April and although we weren't very close, I was devastated. Like you, my thoughts were with my auntie and young cousins. It also made me obsess over my children and what if I died or my husband died. I just didn't have my usual defences and strength to process and cope with something so overwhelming.

Don't worry if you can't be as strong as you would like and as you are used to being. You're not your usual self and I know I found it easier to give in to the grief

[winegirl]

Hi Clarey

How are you doing? Sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are keeping strong. How are your physical symptoms getting on? 8 months after the birth of my little one i think they are finally starting to subside with just the odd dizziness, but perhaps being replaced with more of the actual depression, however it is a million miles better than it was so I can assure you that it really does get better.

I hope yur little one gets better soon and I hope it all goes ok for the funeral.

Take it easy
Winegirl x

[monica]

Dear Clare

So sorry to hear about your Uncle. How did the funeral go?

How's the babe? Is he any better?

I can relate to the unsupprotive partner. My bf has unfortunately never been my emotional crutch, but tends to be better with practical task ie looking after kids. Do you have others to talk to?

How have the past few days been.

Thinking of you

Monica

[clarey]

Thanks very much everyone for your supportive posts. It has been a tough time recently. The funeral was very hard on a number of levels. I feel guilty for obsessing about my own health now. The overwhelming thought that kept going through my mind was that it should have been me being buried...

I saw my counsellor a couple of days ago and we have uncovered that I am suffering from PTSD. I observed a horrific incident when I was at university and to be honest I've never dared think about it. I think it might be possible that the PNI has altered the way some memories have been stored in my brain as I have uncovered a number of painful events.

Since my counselling my right hand side is feeling weak and I have been feeling dizzy/sick.

I am trying to stay strong,
Thanks again for your kind words everyone
Clareyx

[clarey]

Still feeling crap and the aching in my right arm is particularly bad. Had a terrible nights sleep. It didn't help that the baby woke up and so I put him in the bed. Got lots of thoughts going through my mind think it must have been the counselling session. The thoughts of death and illness are creeping in. However I am a week or so away from my period so am thinking this month may be a bad one.

[clarey]

Feeling a little bit better today. I've started running which I hope will help. I know I must have improved from a few months ago as I was so dizzy constantly I could just about walk let alone coordinate myself to run. I felt really good when I got back. Besides I've kept myself really busy today no time to think about anything else.

Although this evening the phone rang and I had the old feeling of dred that I hoped it wasn't for me. I haven't felt like avoiding anyone for a while. It wasn't for me so I felt ok again.

[clarey]

Had a bad night last night. I'm too scared to write about what happened I don't know why.

The day has been ok though. Took my son to a toddler group which he loves. Tried to go running this evening but keep getting a pain in my side. I start obsessing about what it could be.

[monica]

Hi

Sorry about your bad night. If you want to talk about it we're here to listen......

You mentioned your right side felt weak after counselling. Could that be anxiety related? I know that after starting antids which alleviated my anxiety, the numb patches, tingling, weak parts seemed to go which lead me to think those particular symtoms mgiht have been anxiety related.

I know it's hard not to dwell on weird pains, well I find it hard as illnesses are 'my thing' if you know what I mean, but it's probably nothing - might be a stitch, trapped wind.

Anyway, hope tonight's better for you.

Love

Monica

[jmontan27]

Hi Clarey

These physical symptoms really are the pits aren't they? As if being anxious anyway wasn't enough, the physical manifestations and health concerns just seem to feed on and exacerbate PNI. I found a website today (www.anxietycentre.com) that was quite reassuring. It listed the following as physical symptoms of anxiety:

Burning Sensations throughout the body
Chronic Fatigue
Electric shock feeling
Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax.
Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
Feeling cold or chilled
Hyperactivity, excess energy
Increased or decreased sex drive
Muscle twitching
Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Numbness or tingling in hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body
Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
Startle easily
Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
Trembling or shaking
Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
Warm spells
Weak legs, arms, or muscles

Reading these gave me some peace of mind.

Hope you feel better soon

xx