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Post by katiev on Feb 3, 2008 14:37:14 GMT
I hope nobody minds me starting a diary on here. I've not had time to post much recently but have been going through a bit of a blip and thought its probaby a good time to start...
I gave birth to Alice last June. I had only met my partner three months before discovering I was pregnant. I was pretty devastated as I have never been good with children, never had a drop of maternal instinct and wasn't sure I could ever be a proper mum. I had only held one baby in my whole life. Whenever people ask me how my pregnancy was I say fine, because Alice was healthy and there were no complications for her, but actually I found it terribly hard. Myself and my partner suddenly had to find a house to rent together and I'm a very physically stubborn person so I carried on doing everyhting I had been doing, cycling and going out and working late nights in a bar. It was my way of proving that I could be 'good' at being pregnant and I was constantly exhausted. I also developed food allergies which meant that I was preactically getting food poisoning once or twice a week. This got worse and worse and carried on until Alice came. We didn't work out what was causing it until about seven months pregnant so I had spent months with violent sickness and diarhhoea. More and more things started making me ill so I could hardly eat anything by the end. I panicked about everyhting I was doing, that I could harm the baby, and was constantly plagued by images of falling on the bump or being stabbed in the stomach.
I had focussed on the birth only as I couldn't even comprehend what life would be like with a baby. I had decided that I wanted the most natural birth I could for Alice, so decided on a home birth and made everyone promise to only give me pain relief as a last resort. I started really well and felt very in control, but the pain got so so unbearable I remember trying to work out a way to kill myself to make it stop. I was begging to go to hospital, I was exhausted and crying. My waters wouldn't break and the pressure was immense. I have a phobia of being sick so didn't want gas and air but the midwifes persuaded me and thats where everything went to pieces. I lost control completely, felt like I was drunk and everyone was laughing at this pathetic weeping naked woman on the floor. When Alice finally came she was nine pounds and seven ounces (and I'm a size 8) and I was terribly torn. At the time I was told I had a second degree tear and the midwife told me she would stitch it at home. She said 'I like suchering' and I was too exhuasted to argue. Alice was in the next room and I was lead on the edge of the bed. My partner had to hold a lamp so that she could see what she was doing. He passed out after about an hour. I still have flashbacks. I had local anaesthetics injected and I breathed a whole canister of gas and air. It was horrific. She would not communicate with me. It took hours and I don't believe that the midwife was aware of how extensive the tear was when she started. She got visibly stressed and sweaty and I kept asking her how long it was going to take but she wouldnt answer. I could feel everything. It felt like I had completely empty breasts for the first three days and alice harldy slept she was so hungry. My boobs hurt SO much I would cry and had to grip onto something. ON the third day I woke up and didn't know who alice was. I rationalised she must be mine because she wasd in my bed. My family called a doctor and then I was taken to hospital in an ambulance. I had an infection in my stitches. It was so painful i could hardly move. I didnt pick alice up or change a nappy for the first two weeks of her life and I felt like I had no idea how to look after her. from that point onwards I have been convinced I am a terrible mother and thatAlice doesn't like me. I am constantly looking for affirmation of her love and it makes me sick that I could be so weak. I hate that Alice has to deal with this 'condition' I put on my love for her, shes so pure and beautiful and I am so screwed up, I feel like Im putting dirty fingerprints on her brand new soul. Since then I have spent every second of every day guilty and anxious and terrified of being left alone with her. And every night I dream of disgusting, horrific things happening to her.
Last week I went to a specialist and I have to have an operation becuse I actually tore from front to back and have ripped through the muscle in my back passage. It was never even sewn up. About one third of patients get infected and I have to be in hosptial for a week. I am having such a huge blip at the moment. Im terrified of being that weak again, it shocked me how physically pathetic I became. Im scared of being away from Alice and her forgetting me and Im terrified of having to be stitched up again. I feel really sorry for myself which is something i have never bothered with. Ive always been strong and all I can think right now is why me? I feel it was hard enough to form a relationship anyway seen as I had never planned a baby, I had no strong family unit and we are struggling so much financially so why would the world try and stop me being able to just love my daughter simply and truthfully?
Some days I feel like there is some malign presence pushing me and pushing me until I just give up and kill myself. I feel Alice might be better off without me and that i should be dead because wihtout medical intervention I probably would be. I feel like I have no place in the world and it is just waiting for me to give up. Im tired of being strong and I just want things to go my way for a while so I can breathe out.
I am hopefully going to start counselling before the op and Im holding all my hopes on that, which is probably stupid. Such a negative first entry, I'm so sorry but it feels like theres a huge stone insde my throat. Looking forward to talking and helping whoever I can, this website gave me a glimmer of true hope. katie v xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Feb 4, 2008 19:39:03 GMT
Hi Katie,
Of course we don't mind you starting a diary - but do you mind us replying from time to time?
How are you feeling today?
I had a home birth (baby over 10lbs) and terrible PNI (it was my second baby). I'm sure other factors were in play as depression seems to be complicated - but given I had the same minimal pain relief with my first - the comparison was not good - I couldn't move and became very exhausted quickly. It was a fast and painful birth.
Please don't feel you are weak - you are strong. Your body has been through trauma & it is just so hard to live up to all 'the expectations' as it is not an equal playing field for new mums, so to speak. It's hard if you have traumatic birth - we're here for you if you want to talk some more.
I do understand the horrific thoughts - and wonder if it is because we are physically weak and sense our own vulnerability?
Keep in touch Hopefulx
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Post by winegirl on Feb 4, 2008 20:46:53 GMT
Hi Katie
Is it ok to post in your diary?
I am so sorry for the birth and subsequent trauma you have had. No wonder you are suffering mentally and emotionaly now!
I completely understand abut your fear of being sick. I suffer with a major phobia of it - it is called emetephobia, and now have to carry anti sickness tablets with me everyehere and am about to start CBT for it. The only thing that frightened me about labour was the thought of being sick so I didnt want the gas and air either!
I hope you find the support here of help to you hun, and just say if you would rather not have people posting in your diary x
Take Care
WG x
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Post by katiev on Feb 5, 2008 19:32:03 GMT
Thank you for replies- please please do reply, it feels so good to not have my thoughts disappearing, but that there are people listening. It was so goog to learn that you have that phobia too winegirl, I've always been so ashamed of it, it seems so ridiculous. I guess its about losing control and being weak and I've been ill quite alot since my LO arrived and its always so scary- such a panic thinking 'how am I going to cope if I'm sick and theres noone else here to look after her?' I have been having a really horrible few days. I've got my first period which has been awful and I'm so suddenly exhausted. I think I have been surviving on this nervous, panicky energy and since finally admitting that I have a problem and being told help is on its way, I feel like Ive totally given up. I just don't have the energy to get up in the morning. I went to my parents house for a break this weekend with my LO, the first time Ive been there since telling everyone about the depression, and it was pretty emotionally weird. I felt pretty paranoid about it all and nobody quite knew how to treat me so there were a few arguments and awkward 'counselling' moments. I know that its just early days and they love and support me so much, but ti wasn't quite the break I was needing. I always find it hard when the LO is with other people, I can't help but compare how happy she is with them and they have so much more space for a baby, it often makes me feel inadequate and like ALice would be better off with them. I just don't want to see anyone or do anything, Im just surviving at the moment and form the moment I get up I'm looking forward to getting back to sleep, the only place I can switch off. Maybe its a bad mix of hormones and period and the anti-climax of telling my health visitor. I'm having to face the reality thst getting better is going to be such a long, active process and while I was just suffering through it, I was holding on to this magical quick solution- asking for help. Its stupid, I just want to be better, right now, so that I don't miss another moment with my baby. I have always embraced and loved life, and I can't bear who I am right now. I just don't have the will for the big project that is getting better, I just want to give up and I'm so ashamed that all the fight has gone out of me. I haven't heard back about getting a counsellor yet- it was only a few days ago, but in my head it would all just get sorted and I would already be on the road to recovery. This waiting bit seems to be really draining all my resolve. I need to get strong. On the upside, LO just fell asleep feeding which is the first time since she was really tiny. I always get so scared of putting her to bed so my partner does it alot. But the sleepy calm hug I had was so beautiful I just cried all over her. I just didn't want to put her in the cot. I hope she knows how much I love her. Off to drink a big glass of magic wine. Thank you for listening xxx
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Post by winegirl on Feb 5, 2008 20:45:09 GMT
Hi Katie Of course your LO knows how much you love her! And I am sure she loves you just as much hun x What you say about being scared to go out in case you are sick and cant look after your LO is EXACTLY what I was saying to myself every day for about the first 18months of my daughters life! It is still a struggle occasionaly now, but I am 90% better on that front. I wouldnt go out of the house for the fear, but when i started receiving treatment for my anxiety it started to get better, and now i will go loads of places on my own with LO. Enjoy your big glass of vino hun, I am on my 3rd and feel better already! Look after yourself WG x
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Post by chelle2467 on Feb 5, 2008 22:54:54 GMT
hi katie i have just been reading your diary and want you to know that you arent alone i have 2 children myself, and i completely understand when you say that all you can think of is going back to bed. sometimes i even "cut deals" with my husband (who works frm home) just so i can go back to bed in the afternoon with our baby girl. alice knows exactly how much you love her hun, and remember she loves you just as much. i find it so hard when i see how much love my kids give me, especially when they are babies, makes you fel so guilty sometimes, because of the innocence. but i promise it will get better. im still working on it, but i know from last time, i gets better Chelle xx
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Post by katiev on Feb 6, 2008 11:52:05 GMT
Had such an awful night last night. I just couldn't stop crying, hadn't managed to do anything all day and I just felt so guilty about how much my partner was having to pick up the pieces. I think this is the worst I have ever ever felt, just so black. I can't seem to find anything to look forward to. Woke up feeling sick and awful this morning too. My partner keeps telling me this is the lowest and it can only get better from here, but I just don't know what I'm aiming for anymore, because I am the problem and I have to change and I think Ive left it tool late, Im all out of energy now. Thank you for listening everyone and for making me feel more normal katiev xxx
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Post by cheshire on Feb 6, 2008 19:28:14 GMT
Hi Katie,
I remember feeling like that too - hopeless, no turning back - 'left it all too late' - but things do improve, it can be very gradual/ up and down - but it will. Don't be too hard on yourself - in fact try to be good to yourself (although I totally understand how hard that is right now).
Take it moment by moment for now and please have faith things will improve.
Hopefulx
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Post by katiev on Feb 9, 2008 9:54:22 GMT
I had just started to feel a bit better, I don't think getting my first period since I got pregnant helped how exhausted and black I felt, but I had a bit of a disappointing meeting with my HV yesterday. Shes been so good up until now. I found out Im going to have to wait months to see a counsellor which I was a bit disappointed about, because I think the pron#blem the last couple of weeks has been that Ive asked for help, let it all out and made myself really vulnerable but now I feel Im being abandoned and have to carry on struggling after letting down my defences. I know I have to be patient and that every time I talk to anyone its therapy, but I just feel so fragile that I need someone who really knows the right things to say. My HV ended up doing a bit of of the cuff counselling and she said some things that she meant well but that have just made me clam right up again. Instead of being open and dealing with everything, \ive gone right back into 'supermum' mode where I just tell myself Im being stupid, that IM not depressed Im fine, I will deal with this myself and Im working my body into the ground. I realised it this morning when I woke up and every muscle was tense again and I realised Im back on running on this nervous energy and burying all my feelings. MY HV ended up totally misconstruing what I was saying, and suggesting that I actually just didnt like being a mother, that I just wasn't the sort of mother that would enjoy baking cakes at an aga all day (her words), becasue Im young, and Alice wasn't planned etc. It was the owrst thing in the world she could say. I WANT to be happy in this life, I dont want ANOTHER life. Thats such an important difference to me and now Im just scared of opening up to anyone in case they get me wrong like that. I tried to explain but I just ended up switching off and not really saying anything meaningful, just going through the motions. It felt like lieing and I had built up a really good r'ship wtih her previously. Im also having trouble at work- my maternity finished YESTERDAY and my boss didn't tell me- he had left an email in my tray at work, buried under tonnes of crappy memos. He didnt even bother ringing me even though i was practically bugging him every day to give me the date and make a meeting. before i found the email he actually said' well, you'll find out when the money runs out wont you' and he actually thinks thats funny. \now hes said that theres no work for me which is completely illegal as he gave all my shifts to other people and it should have been a temporary thing. I haven't talked it out yet becasue I just dont know what I want out of this. hes so so insensitive, Im not sure if I CAN work with him in this state. I know for a fact he wont understand. If I do complain, he will give me ALL my shifts back and won't be flexible- hes a new boss and my old boss was so wonderful and understanding. Its a crappy job, so its not for money as I could probably get the same on benefits, we're going to find out, but getting back to work was going to be such a positive step for me and now I feel like thats falling down the pan too- he genuinely will make work life hell for me if I get my own way on this- he's done it before to me when he was a duty manager. I feel so empty about it all though. I should be sorting this out but I just can't think about it in depth, my brain just won't let me. I feel like Im living in fog. Also had a terrible flash back to my stitches this morning when I was feeding my LO adn it was all I could do not to be sick. Thanks for listening anyway katiev xx
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Post by cheshire on Feb 10, 2008 11:52:49 GMT
Hi Katie
I wrote you a long reply this morning - but my youngest hit the keyboard in the wrong spot and the whole lot disappeared!
But just to say...I haven't baked a single cake or bun in 7 years since my first was born!!
I don't feel guilty about it any more, but did feel going bad about going back to work etc. etc. for a while. I'm happy with how things are right nowx
Hopefulx
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Post by katiev on Feb 11, 2008 18:27:53 GMT
Thanks Hopeful. I know how gutting it is when you pour out a long and emotional reply and then it disappears, I've done that lots on this site!
Having an awful time with work which is taking up most of my head space right now so Im just not dealing with the day to day stuff. My contract was actually on a casual basis so all my hours have been given away and I'm not entitled to any as there are no shifts available right now. They ahve offered me two shifts that start at 7.30 om and I just can't physically do that. Im getting into bed on bad days at that time. I CAN'T tell my boss about my PNI because he has proved himslef to be completely uselss at dealing with people, especially people with problems and I feel like my only weapon against him is to keep it secret. If I tell him he just won't even acknowledge what Ive said- when you go to hiom with a problem he actually just walks away becasue he can't bear to look people in the eye and will just repeat one phrase over and over until you give up. He is SO impossible, I have never met anyone like him. So suddenly I am, without work, wihtout money coming in and no rights left on my side. So I am just going to have to do these two late shifts it seems, Ive gone right to the top to the general manager and he has ignored anything personal I put in my letter and just told me my contract and the fact that there are no more hours for me right now.
I just wish something would go easily for me. Burying all the things I had started to deal with becasue there just isn't time x
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Post by Scarlet on Feb 12, 2008 8:33:17 GMT
I've done that as well Katie, so blooming disheartening.
Sorry to hear you are having work issues. I think it's a good idea not to say anything, by the sounds of it your boss is less than sympathetic. Are you going to take the later shifts hun? How is that going to fit in with everything?
Scarlet xxxx
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Post by katiev on Mar 2, 2008 18:59:35 GMT
Have not written on here in far too long, feel like Ive just been so so busy going back to work in the evenings. I think because of getting back into the 'real world' these last couple of weeks I have been suffering terribly with anxiety. I guess Ive been out of my comfort zone and I know I have issues with a phobia of being sick. Anyway, I spent a whole week, possibly more, feeling physically sick and having terrible diarrhoea. Every time I tried to eat I just felt so so sick that I couldnt eat and so it was self perpetuating. I couldnt remember how it felt to not feel sick. I was just terrified of not being able to look after my LO, to be left alone with her when I might get sick. It seems to have passed now which is releif and I have no idea if it was psychosomatic or if it was real and it was adding to my nerves. I just don't know. I felt like a total faker, having to get help all the time. I have been thinking alot about my operation actually, maybe its a reaction to that. My big op is on 10th April and suddenly its not so far away. Im already getting stressed about how sick Im going to feel with nerves before i go in. I cant eat or drink anything from midnight the night before and that REALLY stresses me out because when Im nervous and queasy a glass of water really helps. And if I actually work myself up to throwing up I wont be able to drink water afterwards. ON the upside, I have been feeling more comfortable around my daughter. I think maybe Im starting to get a bit less paranoid that she hates me as we seem to be having fun together. My sister stayed down this weekend and I was pretty proud of not feeling completely jealous when my Lo was with her- I just know how important it is to my sister. I nearly cried when my daughter reached out for my sister though and not for me. I hate how possessive this illness makes me of my LO's affections. I want them all and I wish I didn't need that to be secure in my love for her and her for me. I want her to be confident and relaxed with other people but it undermines my relationship with her becasue Im just not strong enough.
I got a letter from my GP and it was only the 'we have put you on alist' letter for counselling so Im a bit gutted. I waited over a month just to have the request for help acknowledged so god knows how long its going to take to actually get started. I really wanted to get my head a bit straighter and to sort out some angles to aim for before the operation becasue Im so stressed about being away from ALice and being totally out of control again, but I don't think Im going to get a chance to talk it out until afterwards. Im just tired tired tired of staggering around under the weight of all this now. When I have a happy calm moment with my daughter I just feel so jealous that other mothers can feel so good abotuut their relationship most of the time. I know everyone finds it hard, but I feel like I so rarely just get to enjoy my baby with no strings attatched and I wish so much I could do that more often. I guess Im getting a tiny tiny bit better all the time, but I just wish it wasn't such a long hard joruney. Anyway, thanks for listening Katie v xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2008 20:20:29 GMT
HI Kaitev
I have probably already told yu before that I am emetophobic and PNI made my fear of vomiting 100 x worse. On top of that the anxiety made me feel constantly sick too. I remember when I first went back to work feeling so sick every day and having to battle so hard notto run home in fear. So please know that you are so not alone on this one.
I still have the horrible fear, but as I have got better with PNI I rarely feel sick anymore, and when I do I panic alot less about it. There was a time when i wouldnt leave the house in case I went out with LO and was sick. To many people this will sound really silly, but when you have emetephobia it is the worst case scenario.
Now I go out and about nearly as normal and dont feel sick at work anymore. I tend to carry a bottle of water and some anti emetic drugs around with me just in case, but they are very rarely used.
So hang in there, it does get better, I didnt believe it but now I am proof!
Take Care
WG x
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Post by katiev on Mar 3, 2008 18:51:22 GMT
Thank you winegirl. It DOES seem ridiculous doesn't it? I find it really hard to explain to people just how stressed out the thought of feeling sick makes me. I ve never met someone who can understand so well. It used to bother me so much when I was younger, I think its a dormant feeling being brought about by being out of control again. Thank you so much for always replying, it means so much Katie V x
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