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Post by katiev on Mar 20, 2008 15:56:43 GMT
I'm going to try and not be totally disappointed, but my counselling session just left me cold and I feel a bit let down. I had tried not to build myself up or have high expectations, but the minute i walked inthere it just seemed to crumble away. I had finally, after months of being told there was noone to help me, been refferred to a specialist counsellor for traumatic births and (as far as I was aware) Postnatal depression. But it turns out that actually, she deals with thr traumatic birth bit but only until four months after the delivery and she cant actually help me with PND! I just cant believe it! So they're giving me another two sessions to go through my birth notes and then Im on my own, regardelss of where I'm at. And the sessions are only 50 mins long. Today I only managed to skim over everything I was feeling. I just cant understand why this is happening. Wherever I go theres a closed door. I spent the whole session conscious that I might be saying things outside of the remit because I knew that I didnt quite fall under their bracket all of a sudden- the only reason they saw me at all was because of a loophole becasue Im seeing a consultant for my operation and if you're under a consultants care, they can make a special circumstance. This was meant to be it, the specialist help and I needed and they're giving me LESS than three hours of time to sort out this massive gaping aching hole in my life! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?? They've told me to go back to my GP asnd get put on a waiting list for a counsellor, but this was it! This was me getting to the front of the waiting list so I dont kmnow what anyone means anymore. I just want to give up right bloody now, Im angry Im hurt I feel absolutely alone and I have asked and asked and asked for help and because I bloody well struggled on and tried to cope on my own Im being continually punished. Since when did they decide that people only need help until their baby is six months old?
How the hell am I supposed to keep this in perspective? Im just desperate now, I don't see myself ever getting out of this horrible circle of closing doors. Im sorry Im so angry, I should have said all this at the time not ranted on here but I was trying not to ruin my chances there and get everything out in this tiny space of time. So I'm ill and depressed and Ive only just got back out of bed and my LO isn't even smiling at me today because shes so sic and bloody tired of me, this big black hole of a useless mother who cant even find the energy to play. I dont even feel like I can hug her because of this stupid conjunctivits and I would be beside myself if I gave it to her, shes been so poorly already this month. I feel so pathetic, I want my mum, I want to curl up and just go to sleep forever so I can stop all this pain and disappointment.I just need help, so sorry for the anger, x
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 20, 2008 16:20:18 GMT
Hi Katie
I am so sorry the counselling wasn't what you wanted/needed or expected. It is so frustrating that when you want the help you cannot get it - I know what that is like. I don't know if you can afford to go private but there are many charity's that offer counselling and they would never turn someone away because of money and they can offer long term counselling - that is what I am having next week. The health visitor should know of counselling services like this or look on the net.
I know what it is like to feel so low and the feeling of wanting to curl up and go to sleep forever - I have felt like this for a long time and it did come to a head when I took the overdose. Your LO does love you and need you - they just don't always give you want you want or need at the time and they know when we are feeling low and play on this. You can get better and things will improve - I never thought I would say that a couple of weeks ago! Are you on any medication? Do you get any other support and go out much?
If you want any support I am here for you and if you want me to look into the counselling for you then just say I don't mind. Take care and we are all here for you, things will get better and the black cloud will lift.
Take care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 20, 2008 22:35:45 GMT
Hi Katie
So sorry that this wasnt the right counselling for you hun. Sounds like a right balls up on their part! My LO waa 16 months when i started getting help, so i got a normal mental health worker to deal with the anxiety and depression, but never anything relevant to PND.
As Littlelotty says, we are here to support you, so hang in there babes, you are not alone xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by katiev on Mar 21, 2008 20:41:48 GMT
Actually managed to get up with my Lo when she first woke up this morning, so felt pretty proud of that. I pretty much knew it was happening, but was still pretty gutted to wake up with conjunctvitis in my other eye too. It just redus#ces my patience to nothing becasue it feels like Ive been ounched in both eyes and they're really itchy, and every time i touch my eye I have to go wash my hands becasue Im so scared of giving it to ALice. Managed quite well on my own today- my partner had been off for the last two days looking after us all so I was pretty nervous about being on my own again. My parents live in Wales so they just can't be here, and last night I ended up just sobbing down the phone becasue I need help so much. The weight of getting everyhting done just feels so immense at the moment. Im desperate to get this shitty little flat clean and beautiful becasue thats what my parents gave to me. I ahte the fact that I grew up in this beasutiful proper house, and LAice has to make do wtih a crappy, damp dark little rented flat. And Im stressed about money now that my mat leave has finished and all I can get at work is a few evening shifts on the bar every week that leave me utterly exhausted and aching from head to toe. And benefits just aren't covering it and Im bailing out my partner and it such a mess! My partner's parents are just odd about it all. They're not together, but they both live within five mins and his dad has a car. And not once during this whole thing have they done shopping for us, or done cleaning for us or cooked a meal for us. And today, my OH's dad came round tho tak my LO out for a walk for the first time in nie months and made this big song and dance about how far he'd walked in the rain and it was like is he trying to make me feel guilty? His mum helps when everythings gone into crisi and im ill, which is quite often, but it always seems like such a drag for them. They never just offer. And I just feel awful for my parnter, becasue they dont owe me anything, or my LO really, but this is their SON, struggling under the massive weight of being a hard-up, working dad with a f**ked up girlfriends and a demanding baby and they just don't seem to noth#ice. Like yesterday his mum came round and Im up to my ears in infection and then shes leaving syaing, well, see you next week then... what about the rest of this week/ How do I cope tomorrow? They just make me feel so isolated becuase they dont just say hey, its a pleasure, we love to be with the baby, they make it seem like such a chore. And his evening we went to see my prtners sister and the rest of them for the first time since christmas ans his mum brings up in front of EVERYONE 'so your session didn't really work out for you then' about my counselling. I can't believe she would do it infront of all these relative strangers. I think she must just have been showing off a bit about being in on the gossip in my life becasue none of the rest of them bother, its just like nothings REAL to them, its just talk and whingeing and i feel like screaming, IVE WANTED TO KILL MYSELF while you've all been complaining about the weather and watching tv and pruning your roses and you just haven't been there so please don't advertise my problems. This all sounds so harsh but I just wish desperately that my parents were here. I need them so much, just the understanding and the non judegement of this, I feel like such a failure and a freak and I just need them to have said just once that they think Im a good mum, not just this stupid crappy girlfriend of their son. My best friend is coming back from three months in Australia in a week and Im looking forward to it so much. My friends are good to me, but they just don't undertsnad and they dont really want to talk about it- they're a;; young and going out and nowhere near having kids so i know its weird for them. But THIS friend is the only one who has ever just said, right, go to bed, Im making dinner and then Ill take baby out for a wlak. I just hope shes got time for me and I don't put too much pressure on her when she gets back, becasue Im desperate for her help.
Anyway, thanks for listening, a bit of a rant again, Im hoping I can write some positive stuff soon katiev xx
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Post by katiev on Mar 21, 2008 20:43:21 GMT
Just read back over my spelling and its atrocious. We have a black keyboard and no light on our computer desk so I keep pressing the wrong keys, especially when Im wound up- sorry about that! x
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 22, 2008 8:44:32 GMT
Hi Katie
Sorry you feel so down and that you feel you have hardly any support around. I am somewhat in the same boat - my family live about an hours drive but they never come down and I might get the odd phonecall from my mum who asks 'how are you' and then I tell her how down I feel and she says 'well better go - I'm busy'. This really upsets me and even after the suicide six weeks ago they have no come down once!! I am lucky that my in laws are local and they do help out and would do anything for us which is nice but I don't want to keep asking for their help.
As for work - have you asked at the local job centre as there is such a drive to get mothers back to work and they help pay for your childcare as well - might be worth asking.
Also is there any surestart or children's centres near you - if you are not sure your health visitor would know or you might find them on the net. They will offer you a lot of support and you could go to the children's centre every day if you want and then you wouldn't feel like you are having to put too much pressure on your friends or family.
Things will get better - just hang in there and keep writing - it will help.
take care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 22, 2008 9:08:05 GMT
Forgot to mention that I think you are a great mum and your LO is very lucky to have you!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 22, 2008 9:12:59 GMT
Hi Katie
I felt the same at the depths of PNI. There is really only me and my OH who live here, my folks are about 30 miles down the road and we have no other family or friends near us. So when OH was out working 6 days a week, 10 hours a day i felt so lost with no support.
But as i started to get better i was able to make journeys places and actually some days i quite like the fact that now i am on my own with LO with noone to bother us.
Have you asked Homestart for any assistance? They can usually send someone to your house once a week to help you and take a bit of pressure off?
Keep talking babes xx
WG x
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Post by katiev on Mar 22, 2008 18:38:43 GMT
Thanks for the replies, Ive just been thinking so much recently about the choice
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 22, 2008 18:41:33 GMT
Hi Katie How has your day been today? I have found a children's centre in Exeter - I can give you the web site address if you want and have a look at what they offer?
take care Littlelotty xx
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Post by katiev on Mar 22, 2008 19:02:08 GMT
(DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE!), about the choice I made to be in Exeter rather than go and have the baby in wales, and Im worried it might have been a bit selfish. Im happy here, the city is beautiful and all my friends are here, but I worry constantly recently that I might be denying Alice a proper family. If I had gone back to live with my mum, my partner would probably have come and got a job and there would have been so many people loving Alice- shes so happy when theres lots of people and business and attention- and instead I decided to be here. I thought my friends would be around alot more- they have their own lives and don't need to be confined to the rules of parenthood like me. So its just me, boring me, and my LO knocking around this flat waiting for daddy to get home. I can only compare it to my childhood in a lovely big house, and how safe I felt there, and it just doesn't match up. I feel like Im failing her every day. On the otherhand, I know that if I HAD been at home, I would have given up alot sooner and let other people look after Alice alot more, and that would have done nothing for my paranoia that she loves other people more or that she has more fun. Its forced me to be stronger I guess and we do have fun, just not recently while Im trying to be her personal clown all day when I feel so rubbish.
Woke up feeling awful again this morning. I had got rid of the throat infection yesterday but this morning it was back and I don't know why. Ive been taking antibiotics like nobodys business, so Im getting very bored of being ill now. Im not going to work so I don't really feel like I can go out in the city either- I always feel like Im lieing when I call in sick even if its true! So I have just been moping around the house. And my LO is just not sleeping in teh daytime even though she desperately needs to. We are back to rocking her off which is so frustrating to me, I can't help but get narky with her and shes all tired and teasy so she doesn't really like being handled too much. But if I put her down in her cot she just stands back up and plays and gets too overtired to eat or sleep or anything. I know we're going to have to do more sleep training, I just don't have the energy right now. I had texted a few friends early in the morning to see if anyone was free to come and help me today (both my partners parents had said see you next week so I didnt feel i could ask them) and I was just losing it and bursting into tears with the baby when I got a reply and my friend (actually an ex-boyfriend, still very close) said he would come over and take my LO out for a walk. SO relieved, I just didn't trust myself with her today, I couldn't keep up. So he came and hung out for a while and did some baby fielding and it just made me feel alot calmer. He took her out in the pram for an hour and a half so she could get some sleep and I woke up when he got back and I couldn't even remember having got into bed, I was just unconscious the whole time. Another friend of mine came round then at about three just as my partner got home so it was a nice full house for a little while and it was nice just to hang out (even if i did feel like crap),. Than they were all going off to go drink wine round someones house, or have a big roast dinner somewhere or go the pub and i just felt a bit jealous becasue I would still be doing that if I could get myself together. Even with the baby, if I could just find the energy to go hang out other places or go out in the evenings. Im really frustrated by the way I feel at the moment, because my heart wants so much more than my body can offer. I think all this illness is the result of that one little night out a week and a half ago- if that doesn't prove that I can't do mummyhood and katiehood at the moment, nothing will. I just have to keep being this boring, blue, ill person and it doesn't lie well with me! So really it was another day of being a half-arsed mum, cant play because my whole body aches, cant sing the songs she likes coz of my throat, can't tolerate her screaming or comfort her properly because of such a short fuse. I just can't wait til i feel a bit better- don't feel like shes laughed for me in weeks and I miss that. Went to start pouring it all out with my boyfriend last night but I just stopped half way through and pretended it was ok because he has to do art work and I just feel like I suck all the inspiration out of him. Then I tried to get to sleep and I started obsessing about death again, stupid stuff like if Alice was a ghost and was scared I wouldnt be able to hug her and comfort her, and then I got this really graphic image of LAice lying in her cot with her head cut off and all her guts spilling out and it was so disgusting, I was so horrified with myself, just came running out to my partner crying and he held me like abab and made me say it out loud so that I could get over it. And then I had to go to sleep listening to a story tape so I wouldn't think of it again. Sometimes I feel like the baby, not the LO, I feel like I need babying just as much and its shameful. SO glad my partner gets that, but I would love for him to be proud of me again or even 9and this might be crazy now) find me attractive!??!! as if, Im such a mess, why would he? Wow, never written quite so much on here, feels good to let it out. thanks for listening, I hope everyones ok and enjoyed a bit of snow today? katiev x
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Post by katiev on Mar 22, 2008 19:03:35 GMT
only just found your message littlelotty- that would be great- thank you so much for looking that up for me. Sometimes I find it really hard to make the first step because Im too scared to do new things. thank you! xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 22, 2008 23:28:48 GMT
Hi Katie....
Your poor thing...I really feel for you because I totally understand what an awful time you are having at the moment. I too felt like that about four or five months ago and I can totally understand how draining the relentless thoughts are. Your head just goes round and round in circles agonisisng over things that you wouldn't have given a second thought about before this illness kicked in...but can I just ask one favour of you.....stop giving yourself such a hard time. You have PNI and you are allowed to have it. Don't worry that you have it jst try and accept it for now and know that it WILL get better. You are not pathetic or a waste of space and are not a half arsed mother. It is very hard to bring up a baby for any mother but especially hard for those of us who have suffered with PNI so think of yourself as doing a brilliant job when feeling so bad. Most people who get depression or anxiety are signed off work so that they can rest and recuperate and maybe do some of the things that they like and halp them relax and unwind. Mothers don't! We still have babies to look after and rely heavily upon the support of our family, friends. So I think we do a brilliant job and you are no exception. All that your little girl needs is you. The most important thing is that she is fed and watered. You don't need to be an amazing entertainer, or a fantastic chef or a domestic godess. She WILL love you whatever. You are a brilliant mummy. You don't seem to have huge ammount of support around you at the moment. This can be extremely hard and can leave you feeling very isolated. Although your friends are very important to you they sound like they have a different lifestyle to you at the moment. You may find that making some friends through mother and toddler groups could be valuable to you. I have made so many new friends in our village and I have always been open about suffering with PNI. If you can be open and accept it you will find that it is not such a weight on you. I have also met two other mothers who have suffered with PNI and had it quite bad. They have become good friends of mine. I just find that when my OH is at work I don't feel so alone. I can call up one of the other mothers and see if they want to meet up for a drink. I know you probably don't feel like doing any of this at all at the moment but why don't you just make some enquiries and see what is in your area. This would be the first step. Also...is there any way that you could go and stay with your parents? Maybe just a long weekend but having those people around you that you love and trust may help you out.
I am sorry of I have waffled on or if you feel like I have lectured you!! I know I make things sound easy in my post but I know they are not and know that you have a battle each day but all I want to say is be nice to yourself. You deserve it.
x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 22, 2008 23:34:37 GMT
Hi Katie....I also meant to ask...are you taking any medication for PNI at the moment??
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 23, 2008 10:28:08 GMT
Hi Katie Sorry you had a bad day yesterday, how are you feeling today. I have days when I feel like that and I am so glad you phoned for help - think of that as a positive as there is some days when I have struggled to do that and rather than letting yourself 'get stressed' with your LO and find things worse you took a really good step so don't beat yourself up about that. I have found the info on the children's centres - there is two I can find in Exeter and not sure what one is the closest so will put both in - please give them a call and ask for help or what groups they run etc - I think it will help you a lot to get our and get support for you from other mothers and you will not feel so alone - you could met up with other mothers outside of the centre which will be good. West Exe Children's Centre Cowick Street Exeter EX4 1HL Tel: 01392 279361 Fax: 01392 423240 www.wecc.devon.sch.ukAnd Whipton Children's Centre Hill Lane Exeter EX1 3JP 01392 464754 The Whipton one is run by Surestart I think so you can look at their website - www.surestart.gov.ukI really hope you have a good day and try not to beat yourself up too much and take one day at a time. Try setting some goals each day for yourself that you want to achieve and then you will feel like you have achieved something - I am trying to do that and it is helping - although I like lists!!! I think the more things get back to how you want them you will then start feeling a bit better - are you getting any support from your GP or health visitor? take Care LittleLotty xx
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