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Post by katiev on Mar 23, 2008 19:08:24 GMT
Thank you littlelotty, I'm going to give them a bell as soon as I feel a little bit better- I just can't kick this throat infection at the moment and its certainly gettin gme down and making me just want to hibernate. I'm not on meds and Im not sure why my GP hasn't suggested anything. When I went to see her she pretty much tolfd me there was noone that could help which seems more surreal the more I think about it. So she never really took my worries that seriously- shes a lovely lady and very sympathetic, so all I can assume is that maybe I played it down to her becasue I had my LO with me. Im going to the docs again on thursday so hopefully I can try and stress how important and life consuming this is becoming. I know I need help now. My Lo has been in a total jekkyl and hyde mood today, being absoultely captivating one second and screaming her head off for n o particular reason the next. But my partner has been home today and is tomorrow aswell so we're able to give each other sleep and help adn that makes a big difference. Im desperate to get well before he has to go back to work on tuesday. But my Lo started accepting lumpy food which has been really stressing me out as everyones always on at mums to make sure therir babies aren't having pureed food when they're teenagers. I can't believe I worry about all this stuff. When somethings finally sorted and i think back, i just can't believe that I waste so much of my limited energy on actually believeing these stupid advice books and old ladies comments on the street. I guuess im just vulnerab;e to it as I dont trust my own opinions. Managed to a bit more baby proofing that has been really worrying me too- our bookcases are just stacked wine crates and i only just got there to stop her tipping them over a week ago, so Im so glad that Ive got them out of the way. They have however revealed a big patch of clean carpet that mnakes me realise quite how disgusting our carpets are, so theres another job to worry over! Also moved the sofa bed out of my baby's room so that when people come and stay we don't have to Alice in our room with us- that always screws everyone up. So thats very organised, becasue I really wanted that done before my operation, because my partner will have my family coming down to help out and I hate the thought of him struggling with a tantruming baby and not being able to put her down and go and lie down in peace- I know I value that so much. So those are positive things, and Im happy to have got those done. Its rare we get things like that done on my partner's days off. We normally just crash out! had really horrible weird dreams again last night, think it might the antibiotics messing me up a little bit, but they were just all about death- not my LO for a change- but still graphic deaths. I think that Im a bit caught up e#with that thought at the moment becasue of my operation and the thought of hospital and stuff. Its getting closer and closer and i just hope i can keep my nerves under control. Hopefully my sister is coming down tomorrow which will be really great, but tiring!! I hope everyone has had a good day and that they're been able to get a bit of family time like us! thanks for all your replies katiev x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 23, 2008 22:55:16 GMT
Hi Katie,
I am so glad that you have had a productive day. It makes you feel good at the end of the day to have achieved something doesn't it.
I am surprised that your doctor hasn't offered you meds but, like you said, you may have not got across to her how bad you are feeling at the moment. Try and be honest with her and remember - you won't shock her at all. The more information you can give her the more help she will be able to give you.
I'm sorry that your counselling session didn't go to plan the other day. It may be worth talking to the doctor about that because it sounds like a case of mis-communication. See if you can get her to refer you to the right counsellor.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
By the way...my little boy has been like Jekyll and Hyde today. He has been under the weather over the last few days but I thought he was better today. He just seems to have cried all day and even my boyfriend (who is a very laid back tolerant person(he has to be with me!)) has said the he is doing his head in. I must admit though that I know I am feeling a bit better because a few months ago I couldn't even cope with the children talking too loud around me let alone crying. I'm just pleased for the peace and quiet now!!
xx
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 24, 2008 11:01:46 GMT
Hi Katie
Hope you have had a good day today - well done for getting things done yesterday - try and look at the positives and not always the negatives. my hubby said that when I had very bad PNI I would look at every negative and never at any positives so I am trying to change that.
I think you should explain to the doctor and get some meds and they will make you feel better in the long run - they did take a few weeks to kick in but now they have since increasing the dose I feel I can cope with most things and I am starting to feel like the old me so try and get some meds if poss.
My LO is always like Jekyll and Hyde and I think this is normal so don't worry too much about that, My LO spends at least once everyday on the naughty step for something serious and my HV said as long as I am consistent with my parenting then she will learn. A good book I am reading is the Toodler Taming - I would forget about some of them as they are more of preaching rather than explaining what is 'normal' and how to deal with it.
Hope you are feeling better - try taking some vit c tablets to boost your immune system and get as much rest as poss - the cleaning can wait!
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Mar 25, 2008 17:59:22 GMT
Hi Katie, I've only just read your thread so I'm sorry if I seem to have repeated what LittleLotty said in my reply to you through my diary. Whereabouts in Exeter are you living? I came into Exeter and did lots with my first one so let me know where you're living and I'll dig out some ideas for you. I didn't have any friends with children after my first, and no family within a 4 hour drive so I felt the same isolation as you did. Getting out and meeting new Mums was a saviour to me and I can assure you it a: does get better and b: there are lots of good, nice things to do in Exeter once you've found them! let me know where you're based and I'll check back again soon (i.e not in a weekes time I promise so catch up with you. Love, Bobsie Bobyn xxx
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 26, 2008 12:22:28 GMT
Hi Katie
How are you today - you haven't been on for a couple of days and wanted to check you are ok?
Take Care LittleLotty xx
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Post by katiev on Mar 27, 2008 16:05:13 GMT
Hello, thanks for you replies. As predicted Ive had a manic few days with my sister and her partner coming down to our very tiny flat so I dint get a chance to post the last couple of days. I really missed having those five minutes to sit here and have a pour out! I don't really have time now either, wednesdays and thursday I have to work in the evenings after a hard days babying, so I really just have to go and crash out for a little while so exhausted! Just to say Im feeling much betetr after the various illnesses I was collecting, the antibiotics seem to have finally got rid of it, just in time for my pre-op on tuesday which was super stressful scary just becasue being anywhere near that hosptial makes me freak right out. All the tests and stuff were fine, although I found out i was only eight stone which gave me a little shock. I didn't think I was that skinny even though epople keep telling me i am (not in complimentary ways, just concerned are you eating you look like shit ways- nice). Im 5 foot 8 so i guess thats a bit too skinny. for me it is anyway. MAybe when I get over the op I might feel a little bit more inclined to properly start healing myself. It feels likem a waste of time at the moment coz I will have to go and get screwed up again-thats how it feels. went to the docs this morning to get put on the counselling list- she was really good and apologetic that i slipped through the net first time round. She tried to talk me into meds but Im still being stubborn. feel like my beliefs about all that are quite important at the mo- i really want to do the counselling first and go see a homeopath- hopefully will find the time to get that sorted soon too. Positive steps and all that. But the best thing that came out of this morning was I had to ask a friend to babysit while i went to docs, so she now knows the fact that im seeing a counsellor and that im struggling and she said shes going to come round one morning a week, on a set day we can work out, and give me the time to sleep or go to the gym or clean or any of the other myriad things I never get round to doing. So thats great. Whirlwind of a day, cant BELIEVE i have to go work on a busy bar! but at the moment i feel ok, possibly becasue ive got so much done and havent had the time to reflect yer. Even managed to cook lunch today (and eat half of it). Wow. super mum (not) Hope evryone is ok, must get back to the Lo katiev xx
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 27, 2008 17:53:21 GMT
Hi Katie
Sounds like you have had a good couple of days. I have been worried about you - I always worry though!! I am so glad your friend is offering her help - people that offer that sort of help don't know now how much we appreciate it and it helps so much. Also gives you something to look forward to. Glad you have also got rid of your colds etc as that must of been getting you down.
You certainly sound more upbeat today which is great!
What have you planned for the weekend?
Also what I would give to be 8 stone I am more the other way - overweight but as you say I will sort that out when I am better. One thing at a time!!
Hope you are able to rest tommorrow after a night working!
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Mar 27, 2008 21:03:30 GMT
Hi Katie,
Whereabouts do you work? It sounds like life is very hectic for you at the moment but you sound very positive about the future which is a good place to start from. What is the operation for and when will you go in? Forgive me if you've said already in your earlier posts and I've not read them fully please.
Hope tonight goes well and the LO maybe gives you a lie-in in the morning. Good news about your friend helping out a bit. And you've done really well to accept her help as that's something that I wish I'd done more easily the first time round. This time if someone offers help and support I'm far more able to say 'yes please, thank you very much' and it's helped a much speedier recovery I think.
Hope the positive thoughts about the future and your better health continues. Love, Bobs xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 27, 2008 21:19:31 GMT
Hi Katie,
It's good to hear from you and I am glad that you made it through the last couple of days.
It's good that your doctor has apologised to you and good that you are now on the list for the right counselling. Do you have a date yet?
Well done for letting your friend help you out. It does make a huge difference to have some support. Just make sure that when she comes round you use it as 'me time'. Whether you work out, sleep, or have bath make it a time for you to look forward to.
As littlelottie says I would also give anything to be 8 stone. They've yet to invent some sort of fat transfer machine. I would quite willingly give you some of mine!!!
Hope you have a good day tomorrow and manage to get a bit of rest.
Take care,
Lara x
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Post by katiev on Mar 29, 2008 19:42:17 GMT
Hi all, Bobyn, I work in the Exeter Picturehouse- do you know it? I saw that you're in devon too. Also, my operation is for birth related stuff- I had a bad tear when having Alice and it got put down as a second degree tear and treated as such, but actually it was a fourth degree as Ivwe later discovered. So I tore from front to back, but nothing was sewn up at the back passage so I have lived with having no control which is rubbish. So the operation is a very positive step to getting back to 'normal' but Im totally terrified of it, and terrified of being as weak and vulnerable and out of control as I found myslef straight after the birth. Went to my second counselling session yesterday adns till dont think ive quite processed it. I had to come straight back and get Alice from her granddads so I just haven't really had the time to think it through. My counsellor had my notes from my birth so we went thorugh them and I was expecting to get a much clearer picture of my birth and most importnantly the stitches afterwards, but actually i pretty much knew everything that had been noted and all the bits I felt i needed to know more about were missing. So Im not sure yet if it benefitted me in any way, as I didnt have pain relief so I was totally lucid really, except for a bit of gas and ais drunkeness. It was also written by a very positive, get up and go midwife, so me crying, begging for hospitalisation and looking for ways to kill myself to end the pain were summed up with 'Katie thinks she is not coping, but she is coping really well'. It really confirmed for me why I spent so long thinking that my birth had been fine- becasue all I had was positive accounts around me and the fact that I had managed to have her at home. Thats why I was so confused and just went aloing with the feeling that everyhting had gone ok. We were looking at my contraction patterns too, and I realise dthat I had been having five contractions, lasting a minute in every ten. So I only had one minute breaks, for about twenty hours. So that was pretty intense- I have no idea if thats normal- but I WISH that someone had acknowledged the struggle and the horror of it so I could have talked it out in the first place. As it was I just felt that I had no right to be having these awful feelings about the birth as everyone was telling me it had been fine. I really wanted there to be more about the stitches, as I felt many things had gone wrong there, and I wanted to know the duration, as in my mind it was a very very long procedure. But there was nothing to say and the midwife had actually written that I was 'comfortable' during the procedure. But I was in aginy and absolutely freaking out and trying to deal with being sewn up like a piece of meat hanging off the end of my bed with my boyfriend holing a torch and passing out. It was hideous, I used a whole tank of gas and air just for that, I felt sick and beside myself. I cant believe she wrote that I was fine. Its becoming more and more obvious why nobody noticed I was struggling- on paper I had had 'a lovely home birth' but I felt like I had been torn to pieces, like I had been to hell adn felt like I had been close to dying it was so awful. Talking to the counsellor I realised how every tiny thing that had hurt me in some way was burned into my mind, I can't get past these details, like when the second midwife arrived and never came and said hello, just sat in the corner with my naked bottom facing towards her, so I got so paraniod. She just sat making notes and sometimes saying thigs to the other midwife that I couldnt catch and laughing and I felt so humiliated. And then when I was totally losing it, begging for mercy and to go into hospital, I remeber her saying 'noone else can do this for you Katie' as if i was just being a big wimp and I dont think I will ever feel as alone as I did at that moment. Im sure she was just doing a bad cop thing and trying to force me to be stronger but I was speechless with horror that noone could help me. She also told my parents they couldnt come in and made them wait in the car park without asking me. So the main reasons I wanted a home birth- to be in control of who could be there at the birth, to feel less humiliatedd by all and sundry coming in and out to look at me, to have a clam non-judgemtnal atmospherre, all of this seemed ruined by this one midwife. I hate feeling so bitter, adn placing the blame, but I feel that in retrospect she let me down in so many ways. To put the cherry on top, one other moment that is burned into my memory is when they were decideing what to do about my stitches and she said 'i'll do them . I like suchering'. Like it wasnt my body, just ahobby of hers. And to have someone who I feel no good energy from change my most intimate part of my body forever, to sew it up (not well as it turned out) silently and with no apparent empathy, well, I dont think I will ever recover from that. That part of me is not my own any more. I feel mutilated.
I've actually had a really positive day again today. My partner just came through the door a minute ago and I could say with all truth that I enjoyed every minute of the day with Alice today which I have never EVER said before. I was out of the house all day hanging out with my best friend who has been away in Australia for three months. I hadn't realised quite how much I missd her, itw as an actual physical ache, so to have that lifetd and to be out where Im normally lonely in the house and to feel physically 'well' (no colds or anything) and for ALice to behave beautifully! It seemed like a miracle. Its so good to write about a good day for a change. The only thing that I have felt bad about is the worry that a day on my own now is going to feel doubly awful, and the paranoia that Alice really isnt happy with just me for company will really bother me. But Im goign to try and not let those worries spoil a lovely day. I might even go to the pub this evening if I find im not too exhausted! Now thats someting. But as I havent been in all day I have a lot of house work to do so I must go. I miss being able to check in on other people, its been such a hectic few days, but I have promised to make time for it tomorrow. I hope that everyone is ok.
And I know about writing the eight stone thing- such a stupid thing to write! Ive always been about a 14 16, so I DO appreciate for ONCE not having to worry about my weight, I think it would tip me right over the edge if i did, but I guess I was just shocked. I don't feel like its a good weight borne out of feeling healthy. I think that my eating has become a bit of a problem- I dont want to eat in case i feel sick, and half way through eating something I always do feel sick and start stressing out. So I only really eat in teh evening when my partners there to look after me and I can go to bed if I feel rough. Consequently I feel tired and weak all day. I have an appointment to see a homeopath next week, Im hoping that he can help me control the queasiness i get becasue I would love to be able to eat what my body needs to keep going and to not be so obsessed with feeling sick
Anyway, that was such an outpouring, I havent read it back -im not sure it makes that much sense. Hopefully i will get a chance to sort my head out a bit soon. Thanks for listening katiev x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 29, 2008 23:21:08 GMT
Hi Katie,
I am so pleased that you had a really good day. It shows that you are on the mend and gives you a glimpse of what it's like when you don't have PNI. You can forget so these moments mean everything. When I've had a good day like this I try and hold onto the feeling and so that when I am feeling down I can take myself back there.
I'm so sorry that you had such a bad experience with your birth. I can totally understand how you would be worried about going in for your operation. I think that some medical professionals treat you like a patient instead of person. I'm sure that the midwife who treated you had no desire to cause you any harm or stress but it doesn't excuse the treatment that you have had. You have mentioned that the more you go over your birth notes you realise that you did have a bad time and you a justified in feeling the way that you do. Have you written to anyone to complain at all?? I know that things can not be changed but for someone to hold their hands up and say sorry or say that they were wrong might give you a bit of reassurance for the way that you are feeling. The fact that you have to have a second operation to rectify the first mistake is proof that the midwife didn't do her job properly so don't feel bad about complaining. If you don't feel that you can complain why don't you write a letter to the NHS but just don't send it. This could be theraputic in itself. You might find that once you have had your op and things are back to normal that you will start to feel a bit better in yourself and be able to move on. Peolple say that birth is supposed to be a magical experience and amazing. First time around I had every drug going. When Daisy was born I just held her...I didn't even look to see what sex she was. I remeber then feeding her but it was all a blur and I just kind of got swept along by it. I think that I didn't really bond with her until the second night woth her when no-one else was a round. With Jamie I had a six hour labour from the first pain to birth. It was so agonising and I only had gas and air but somewhere inside I knew that I wasn't dying just having a baby. When he was born the midwife handed him to me and then she asked if I wanted to feed him. I said no. I made OH do it. I was so knackered I just wanted a rest. I didn't bond with him straight away. I never had that rush of love that women say they have when the baby is born and I never shed a tear. I kind of just looked at them and though 'oh...a baby'. I guess I was a bit disappointed that my experience wasn't like this. I have a lot of friends who have had bad experiences and some have complained to the NHS so try not to feel too alone. You are well within your rights to feel upset. With regard to your eating...for the moment, if you are okay drinking, could you try some of those food supplement drinks like slimfast. It will ensure that you are getting all of your nutrients for the day and hopefully stop you feeling hungry and shaky. That's enough to make you feel low.
I hope you have another good day tomorrow.
Take care,
Lara x
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Post by katiev on Mar 30, 2008 11:42:21 GMT
Thanks Lara, Im so torn between complaining and not. The problem is, Ive not been angry with the midwife at all, I guess I feel like its a waste of energy becasue it doesnt change anything. But my partner and my family are furious becasue they have to put their feelings somewhere, and I know they think I should write in and complain. But Im not sure. I feel that the midwife made a mistake, she seemed really tired and distracted and I thiink that she was called in on a night off coz they were understaffed. My friend had her as her midwife, and just after my birth she went off sick for a good four months, so maybe she was on the verge of having an illness, or a breakdown or something. So Im not sure I WANT anything done about it. I certainly dont want her to be punished or lose a job or anyhting, thats what Im worried about. ON the other hand, I feel like this is a big open wound and I cant get any closure, and I DO feel wronged by it, so maybe it would be an idea. The point is, I felt like waht happened robbed me of bonding with my LO for the first month, I couldnt lift her or feel good feelings towards her- she was just what made me ill. So making an official complaint might just rob me of even more positive time with my daughter. I just don't know. What you were writing about the moment of birth, I can so relate to that. I dont even remember how I was, but my parnter told me that I just stared at my baby expressionlessly for about thirty seconds when she was put in front of me. I didnt even look at the sex either (but weirdly had alerady decided in my head that she was a she!). I guess I was disappointed by that too. Where was that rosetinted moment where we all looked at each other with a rush of emotion, happiness and tears? Maybe Ive watched too many films! Ive really had to work on bondnig with my daughter, maybe that will only make our relationships with our children stronger? I definitely feel that through all the hardships, I have been slowly but surely falling in love with her, adn thats a lovely feeling. Thats a good idea about the drinking too. I could definitely make an effort to drink something with some goodness in it (although maybe not slimfast, my friend tried them and had constant diarrhoea- dont think i could cope with that with my body in the state its in!!) Hope youre ok, thank you for replying katiev xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 30, 2008 13:10:41 GMT
Hi Katie
Smoothies - full of fruity goodness and they dont tast like poo! Thats what i drink if i fancy a change from water (or wine)
Hope your weekend is going ok babes?
WG x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 31, 2008 21:24:11 GMT
Hi Katie,
I'm a bit like you. Although i think someone might b in the wrong I usually can't be bothered with all of the agro of complaining because it won't change anything. It's something only you can decide whether you should or want to do. I think I did slimfast when it very first came out and I thought it was disgusting so I'm with you there. WG's idea of smoothies is good. You can always thin them down a bit with fruit juice or water. I don't know whether you can get supplement in a powder form that you could mix in as well. Hope you've had a better day today. xx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Apr 1, 2008 11:02:28 GMT
Hi Katie,
I think you're being very measured about your feelings towards the birth and you're right to weigh up whether it's better just to leave things rather than let them effect the good times you now have with your daughter, or whether to attempt to get closure by writing into the NHS, who will probably take it further with the midwife in question. I found just writing things down in my diary on here helped me towards the closure, but I haven't had a negative birth experience like you. It does sound terrible and you have my every sympathy. I think you're very brave to be able to go back into a hospital after that experience but hopefully the operation itself will bring abot some form of closure as it'll help you heal the physical wounds and sideeffects from the birth?
I do know the Picturehouse. I used to go to the Sunday night quiz there when I lived in Exeter and then went to the Mums and Babies showings with my first LO years ago. Once the summer comes along I have plans for sunny afternoons at the Double Locks with the LOs, so maybe we could meet up there after your operation and when the sun is shining?
Love, Bobsie Bobyn xxx
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