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Post by littlelotty on Apr 1, 2008 12:38:03 GMT
Hi Katie
I can so relate to how you felt towards your LO, when mine was born I felt nothing and it took me months if not a year or so to really bond with her to what I wanted. It is so difficult when you hear about that instant rush of love when they are born but many mothers I have spoken to have not had that so I do not think we are alone - far from it!
As for your experience it sounds awful and I wouldn't know what to do either. I guess writing what you did that you do not blame the midwife but maybe the system when they seem so understaffed and work far too many hours to be fit to carry out births. Have a think about it and do what you think it right.
Hope you are having a good day.
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by katiev on Apr 4, 2008 21:04:00 GMT
I never manage to write on wednesdays and thursdays because I have my Lo all day and then work 5.30- 11.30. Its so exhausting.. Went to see my counsellor again yesterday and I found it really awkward. There were lots of long nervous silences and it just didnt flow, and I really felt like i was just going through the motions. We have only had two sessions but she was already suggesting to 'get past' the birth and to start thinking positively about myself. Yes, thats where i want to get to in the end, but i can't just change the way I feel. It was quite a soul-destroying session adn I feel like she wasn't getting where im at at all. Im nowhere near gettin over the birth yet, we've only just started. Some things made me really think though. She asked me what I thought made me a good mum and I just burst into tears and couldnt stop sobbing, becasue I couldnt think of a single thing. I didnt realise quite how badly i thought about myself i guess. So she suggested I go home and make a list but I dont think i will becasue I would be writing things to please the counsleeor, becasue I dont think i could write anything in all honestly. So yesterday was a bit of a write off and I didnt get much time to process it, only thinking more about the operation and things. But today I went to see a homeopath that my partners mum had suggested and I can finally feel what must be hope. He was so so wonderful (makes me realise how im really not getting anywhere with my counsellor) and I began thinking of things for the firsrt time rather than going round and round in whirlpools. We talked for an hour and a hlaf solidly and I felt so cared for and understood. He said I have a huge 'guilt gland' and that thats ok, its a part of me, but that I can't let it rule everyhting. And helped me to realise that since the birth I havent allowed a single feeling- Ive thought alot and Ive thought oh im sad, or scared, but I haev tried to control every single one and not actually allowed them and felt them becasue im so scared of them. To think of feelings and thoughts as separate things coming from separate places seems so obvious but I had got so caught up in my head that I hadnt allowed myself to feel. I also realsied that this seemed to stem from me emulating my mother- obviously mothers end up following their own mothers ot some extent in parenting. But I hadn't realised that I equated being a 'good' mother with being calm and not showing any weakness- my mum is wonderful and warm and would do anything for us, so she sacrificed her own emotions, no anger, no fear to allow us to be free of the burden of her emotions. But i guess im not my mum, I cant do that, im far more fiery than her. And also he helped me to see that its not necessarily the best way of doing things. I remember the moments that mum actually got angry or upset as terrifying and i thought the world was caving in, becasue they came so few and far between and were so huge when they did. We also looked at the humiliation that I felt at birth and I haev a few days worth of medicine to help me bring my anger and emotions to the surface a bit. The rest of it focussed most on my stitches and my opertaion so Ive got some super pills for helping with anxiety and healing- I feel a bit better for approaching the op with something on my side as opposed to feeling the whole world is pitched against me. I also got to explain for the first time that even though I feel so much better than I did when my LO was first born, I worry that Thats becasue my baby has got easier to deal with, not becasue i have dealt with any of my problems yet. And thast why when things dont go right and my LO has a bad day, everything cradhes back to square one and I have been scared of people assuming im better on one of my bay's good days. It was a relief to get that out and understood- its one of the main reasons im scared of being 'better' and why the things my other counsellor was saying about moving on so soon was stressing me out. I havent really ahd time to see how this si going to make me feel yet, Im just on cooking and cleaning, its ten o clock and we havent even eaten yet, but hopefully i will get some space to think soon. Anyway, I have to go adn eat and sleep becasue im exhausted I hope everyone is ok, thanks for listening katiev x
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 5, 2008 7:42:44 GMT
Hi Katie
I am sooooo glad that the homeopath session has helped and made you feel much more positive - it sounds like it was great. I am sorry about the counselling though and it sounds like it would help to change to a different one but not sure how many sessions you have. Do you feel able to talk about the way it makes you feel with her in the next session or not?
When is your op as well - keep meaning to ask and sorry if you have already written it.
I hope you have a great day and can put your feet up for a bit as it sounds like you haven't stopped!
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 5, 2008 7:46:20 GMT
Hi Katiev
The homeopath sounds fab and sound like he really can help you! A great result after a dissapointing session with your counsellor.
Let us know hoe you feel the homeopathy is doing, really hope it does help x
Take Care
WG x
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Apr 5, 2008 9:42:12 GMT
Hi Katie,
I'm glad the homeopath is working out for you. I've had really good experiences with an acupuncturist who works from Remedies in Topsham and from the doctors surgery in Exminster. If you ever thing that might work for you then let me know and I'll PM you his details. I've referred a couple of people to him over the 11 years that I've been seeing him - very on and off - and they've all had good results. The first session I ever went to him he put the needles in and I spent about an hour just crying, not sobbing but with tears just flowing as if they'd been built up for years and not been able to escape. Does that make sense? It was like letting go of so much stuff. I haven't seen him since my LO was born last August and only this week I was thinking I should try and find time for an appointment as I could feel everything building up again and my energies all running a bit hectic and off course. You've inspired me to phone him as you've reminded me how well alternative therapies work for me. So thank you!
Hope you've managed to get out into this lovely sunshine we've been having? Love, Bobs xxx
P.S Your counselling session doesn't sound too great but I bet you could think of a few things you're good at as a Mum for that list. From everything you've written on here you clearly care for your little girl very deeply and that's a pretty good start in my book lovely. xxx
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Post by katiev on Apr 7, 2008 19:05:56 GMT
Thanks Bobyn, I just wish I could look at it that way too, maybe I will soon. The acupuncture sounds amazing- I used to get like that in the relaxation bit they do at the end f yoga classes- they would dim the lights and get you to visualise something and when the lights came up I was mopping at my face i had cried so much. And that was when I was happy! You should definitely try and see him again i reckon, it sounds like the button that can be pressed and will let go of tremendous amounts of stuff for you. My operation is on thursday and I feel like I cant think of anything else! I'm going to miss this little family unti so much, Im just so insecure about my baby forgetting about me and I am terrified of the operation itself. So i havent thought about anything else recently and the last few nights ive had about four hours sleep each night and that just isnt enough for me. Ive been short with my LO all day and Im just all distracted and clumsy. I broke a glass and a mug and then I took my eyes off baby for one second and she had pulled the clothes horse on top of herself and was tangled up in it screaming her head off and I just felt like the shittest mother going all day.
Have been taking the medicine that the homeopath gave me for releasing held in anger, but I just havent had time to let it work if that makes sense. Its supposed to be a way of starting things off so you can experience the emotions and think things through, but Ive just been going to work and tidying the house and stressing about thursday so I dont think I had a chance to think about it once. Maybe its helped, i dont know. hes also given me some uber strong aconite to deal with op day nerves, but I could do with having them now! I just cant picture myself in a hospital and the alieness of it all really freaks me out. I just cant see many positives at the moment, especially seen as its going to make things difficult down there for a good few weeks, as opposed to just making my life easier straight away. I just feel like Ive got to a place where I have strated to feel so much more capable and less blue and heavy, and with teh homeopath being such a positive step and the weather getting inspiring I really resent having to do this. I want to be starting a yoga class or a new hobby, not taking a gigantic step backwards. Very premenstrual today, my face is on fire and I feel fat fat fat and everything my partner says is needling me. So I think its time for some wine. Just my luck if I come on for my nice stay in l'hopital. Thank you for all your replies, katiev xxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 7, 2008 21:03:46 GMT
Hi Katie
Will be thinking of you on Thursday babes, Best of luck, not that you will need it - you will be just fine x You will get through this hun, just time you started to believe it!!
Take Care
Luv
WG xxx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 8, 2008 15:14:26 GMT
Hi Katie,
I am glad you are getting things sorted. It sounds like the homeopath is good for you. O have seen a few different counsellors and a psychologist and none fo them were really for me but I now see a psychotherapist and she is much better. She seems to dig a bit deeper and that is what I need. It is all trial and error though and what works for one may not work for another. If you can talk to anyone and have a good release of pent up emotions it is good whether it me a professional or just a mate.
It's easy for me to say but try not to worry to much about your op. Although you feel like you are taking a strep back you are infact taking a step forward towards sorting yourself out and getting better. Onece the op is done you won't shave to worry anymore and you can just concentrate on getting better and looking forward to good things. Even the most seasoned patient is nervous about having an operation so try to remeber that what you are feeling is perfectly natural. You are probably just more nervous than some people would be. When my mum went in for a waterworks op she was pertrified. She gets petfified going to the docs and has walked out of the dentist's waiting room before without being seen. At the hospital when she got there they gave a big dose of Diazapam which really chilled her out and she was even quite upbeat about having the op which is so not my mum. When you get to the hospital explain what you have been through and how scared you are and ask them if they can give you anything to calm you down a bit.
If I don't speak to you tomorrow I'll send you my love for Thurs. and let you know I will be thinking about you. x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 8, 2008 15:16:31 GMT
ps. sorry about my spelling. I typed really quick so I hope you can decipher it!
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Post by katiev on Apr 8, 2008 19:46:43 GMT
Thanks everyone, finding it impossible to be positive at the moment. My mum just called and we were just chatting aboput it, and she was passing on some advice from a friend of hers to 'let the air get to your bits' and that I should sit with my legs open adn I just got so angry. Straight after the birth I was getting my bits out for anyone, I had zero shame after what Id been through, but now I just dont want to. I cant bloody bear the thought of showing it all off again, I am so fiercely ashamed. I Just dont want to and I cant feel positive and I hate the way Im feeling. My OH is taking me and the LO to the zoo tomorrow and has got the sofa bed into the living room ready fro tomorrow night becasue he says I probably wont be able to sleep but I always fall asleep watching films so we can camp out. Thought that was really sweet. Thanks for all your support, I might be able to check in tomorrow but think i will probably be tearing around trying to clean the house and pack and stress and stuff. So if not, speak to you all in a week or so. Oh thats really sad! katiev x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 8, 2008 19:51:30 GMT
Hi Katie
Have a lovely time at the zoo tomorow babes and make the most of it hun. Try to relax and enjoy it xx
Best of luck for thursday babes, will be thinking of you and i know you will be just fine x Look forward to having you back next week. We will all be there with you in though. xx
All my love WG x
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 9, 2008 9:31:12 GMT
Hi Katie
I hope you have a great time at the zoo today - really sorry you haven't had a great few days, Lets hope once the operation is out of the way you can look forward.
I wish you all the luck in the world and let us know how it goes. Will be thinking of you tommorrow.
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Apr 9, 2008 12:52:30 GMT
Good luck tomorrow Katie. Is it the RD and E you're going to? I guess so. How was the Zoo? Paignton or Exmoor or Bristol? Have you been th Tropiquaria? Just trying to get your mind off to op! It's very good, you get to touch the animals and hold spiders and snakes, although that might not be your thing Exmoor is lovely as you get to stroke Wallabies, which are very cute and probably slightly more appealing that lizards and spider holding We'll all be thinking of you and will eagerly await your return. Just think, by the time you come on here again the operation will be behind you and you'll be able to look forwards to more positive things. Take care, Bobyn xxx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 12, 2008 21:57:34 GMT
Hi Katie,
Looking forward to your return. How did the op go honey?
xx
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Post by littlelotty on Apr 17, 2008 11:54:11 GMT
Hi Katie
How are you? Would be great to hear from you if you get 5 mins.
Hope you are well and thinking of you.
Take Care
LittleLotty xx
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