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Post by winegirl on Mar 3, 2008 19:51:55 GMT
No Worries Katie x And if you ever need to talk about it I am always here, I really do understand what a dreadful fear it is x
You are doing really well, and it will get better Katie xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Mar 4, 2008 18:47:15 GMT
One of my sil had to have that op after an awful first birth. Just to reassure you that it was all ok and she did go on to have another baby (albeit she chose a c section that time!)
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Post by katiev on Mar 7, 2008 19:03:53 GMT
Thank you Sianyc. The consultant told me I'd have to have a c-section next time and I'm pretty gutted about that. My problem is that Im totally hung up on feeling that I should have died- or that I would've without medical intervention. ON my worst days it makes me feel that I shouldn't be here at all, that I wasn't designed to survive childbirth so it feels like another reason to feel that my LO would be better off without me. I was so hell bent on a natural birth but I feel like I was stupid to be so stubborn. I've never been maternal, never had babies as part of my plan, so I feel that maybe thats true physically aswell, that I failed at child birth when I spent the whole pregnancy doing yoga, cycling, lying on the right side in bed and making sure I stood properly at work so that my baby would be in the right position for birth. I was consumed by all of these things, I felt like I had complete power over how ready I woulsd be for labour and I am still in shock I guess about how tremendously out of control it was. I have never been ill or weak and the thought of going back to that place, with the operation, terrifies me. I spoke to my HV as I had been put on a list for birth trauma counselling and it won't start til after my op now- I wanted to have taken a positive step or at least have talked it out with someone so I can face this operation and not just dread it, but I don't think its going to happen now. Thanks for listening all KAtiev xxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 9, 2008 22:31:35 GMT
Hiya
Been reading your diary, hope you don't mind.
I would definitely say that the fear of being sick is related to your feeling out of control... esp considering everything you went through relating to the horrible midwife and some of the birth. It sounds as though perhaps you are allowing yourself to pass on the feelings of being out of control onto something more tangible such as a fear of being sick??
I don't know if it will be of any help to you but I remember once someone saying that when they are feeling like they are going to be sick to try and remember that actually its a healthy thing to do - your body is reacting to something and trying to make thing better for you by expelling what it needs to. Therefore don't be fearful of your body being in control of itself.
Maybe thats just mumbo jumbo but thought you might be interested! I covered phobias as part of my psychology diploma a long time ago!! lol
Hope you are feeling okay and welcome to the diaries!
Lots of love
Nishka xxx
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Post by sianyc on Mar 10, 2008 12:01:07 GMT
The thing I hated after my horrible first birth was that nowhere in all the magazines I'd read, birthing programmes I'd watched and conversations I'd had with the midwife, did they tell me how f**king awful it could be. They lead you to believe that if you do everything 'right' and prepare 'properly' for birth then it will all go like a dream.
yes this may be the case for some but then who's to say that they wouldn't have had that lovely perfect birth if they'd just sat on their backside eating ben&jerry's for 9 months.
My first birth really traumatised me although I didn't have PNI after that one. I kept going back to that feeling of being totally out of control and in awful pain. A bad perod pain could make me cry cos it reminded me of the labour so much. I would worry about having another baby and going through it again and my first baby was onlt a few weeks old! I think only the good second birth I had finally got me over the terror inflicted by the first one.
Talk about the birth if you can. I talked it to death for the first few months to make sure I was remembering it correctly and to help me get over it a bit. After that I tried to ignore it which didn't help at all.
Don't punish yourself lovely. The truth is that it can go right or wrong for anyone and the main thing is that you got through it.
I'm not much good at encouraging words for operations as I've never had one. I'm sure some of the other ladies here have and you could try a post on one of the main boards about what to expect, how to prepare etc?
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Post by winegirl on Mar 10, 2008 21:49:22 GMT
Yes, Katie if it helps right about it in our Birth section. I also talked about it for months (still do) as it was such a major thing for me, episiotomy emergency room etc.. It does get better though hun x
WG x
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Post by katiev on Mar 13, 2008 14:04:56 GMT
Thanks for those replies, I have been trying to talk. My problem is I think ive talked it to death and it stresses me out when I can't express it properly anymore. I feel like everyones heard it before and its becoming less real when I still have awful flashback feelings. Its true, nobody lets you know how truly awful it can be, and I spent the weeks after my birth saying that my preganncy and birth had been fine becasue my little one was ok. And now, looking back, I can't believe that I'd say it was a fine birth. It was awful! Due to have a first one off counselling session next week as i was desperate to get some in before my operation. Where am I going to start? Ive got so much worked through in my head all sorted out and shelved off, I feel like its too neat and tidy to just go pouring it all out. After all this waiting and desperation to talk, Im too calm and collected about it now. Wasn't expecting to feel like that! Does anyone have any experience of first counselling sessions. Im scared that they're not quite going to get waht Im talking about adn also that i come across as together when inside Im shaking apart. katie vx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 13, 2008 17:04:26 GMT
Hi Katie.....I have just read your thread and thought I caould offer you a bit of support. I have had quite a bit of counselling over the years and no counseller has ever not known what I am talking about. If everyone on this site can understand what you are going through then someone who has been trained in every aspect of stress and depression will know exactly what you are dealing with so please don't worry. I know how you feel when you say you don't know where to start when seeing the counsellor for the first time. Why don't you print out your first post on this thread. I have just read it and it gives a very good picture of what you have been through and had to deal with. That way you can either read it yourself, give it to the counsellor to read or just use it for reference. You won't go away from your session feeling like you have forgotten to tell him/her anything. Once the counseller has a basic picure he/she will ask you all of the relevant questions and talk about the necessary things so please don't worry because the conversation will flow. I, like you, like to think that I cope really well with everything. I like order at home and in most aspects of my life but with children you have to learn to let go a bit. My PNI started when my first period was due after the birth of my second child. It was mild at first but then hit with a vengeance when the second period was due. I due believe that hormones have a big role to play in this terrible illness but they do settle down in time. You sound like you had a very traumatic birth and it has obviously affected you. Even fourth time mums who are very maternal would have been affected by this so please please DON'T think you are weak. You need to give yourself time to heal and you will become that happy confident woman that you once were.
I hope your counselling session goes well. xx
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Post by katiev on Mar 17, 2008 18:41:08 GMT
I will definitely print out that first post- such a good idea, thank you for that. My periods are really screwing me over a the moment, they definitely unsettle things. They're actually making me physically ill these last few months, I get sickness and diarrhoea on the morning I come on. Very strange. I am so depressed with the state of my body at the moment, I feel like I get an illness every other day. If Im not suffering with my period and the sickness then its diarrhoae one day, a cold the next and now Ive got conjunctivitis. Still feel like Im being dealt a very unfair hand and Im trying so hard to stop feeling sorry for myself. But I feel like I need help every step of the way-- I lean on my partner so much and this week hes caught the cold aswell and I find myself almost angry at him for being ill when I need him. My LO has a really bad vold and is just so clingy and all the things we'd set up, like her going off to sleep on her own and being confident to play without mwe have gone out of the window. Its started me feeling out of control again and I hjust find I have no paience. I get so exhausted and frustrated when I have to rock her to sleep and Im plagued by doubts and the feeling that Im going to fail and she'll be up all night and I can't cope without my sleep, so I end up rocketting right back into depression and paranoia and the feeling that Im a crap impatient uncompassionate mother. I had to bite my hand when I was rocking her and it was taking hours and shes so heavy now, I had to bite it so so hard so that I wouldn't shout and scare her. I dont know where this terribly short patience comes from- actually i guess i do, its just becasue I don;t have the confidence to just believe that she will go to sleep eventually. I just panic and become convinced that Im doing it all wrong.
Im aiming for thursday adn having an opportunity to talk. I just hope beyond hope that I don't do my usual and just cover it all over and pretned Im fine after all this waiting. I just don't know who I am sometimes. I dont have any of the power or confidence or happiness that I used to have,. Im a weak, dependant misery and just dont feel like i fit in this world. Thanks for listening and all your replies katie v xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 17, 2008 20:25:41 GMT
Hi Katie
My LO is 22 months now and i am constantly feeling ill with something, its always one bug or another. I am assured that once they get to about 2-3 they stop catching so much and passing it on!
Best of luck for thursday hun, just be as honest as you can and you will be fine, wil be thinking of you xx
WG x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 17, 2008 21:28:06 GMT
Hi Katie,
I have to admit that you sound like me. I know all of these things that I want to say and explain but by the time I get to the doctor/counsellor I think the relief of being there makes me feel better so I kind of go into this upbeat happy kind of person and not the person that I am the majority of the time that I am at home. I then get back home and back to normal and think 'why didn't I say this' or 'I for got to explain that'. It's really frustrating. If you explain this to the counsellor he/she will understand. It is very hard to open up to someone about how horrendous you feel if you don't feel too bad at the time but they will know which questions to ask to help you to open up. You just have to be as honest and open as you can and understand that they have heard it all before and nothing that you say will shock them. When I started telling my counsellor about all of my thoughts and fears she just sat and took it all in. She didn't look shocked at all. I then asked her if she had ever had anyone else with the same thoughts/fears and she said 'yes' it is very common with depression/anxiety. I was waiting for her to tell me that she'd never heard of any such thing and that I had a real problem but she just pointed out to me that what I was feeling was normal and that I would get through it. What a relief!
I know how you feel about your little one. It's so frustrationg when you get them into somesort of routine and then they get ill. It all get's blown out of the water and you just have to accept that things won't be normal for a while. They do, however, get over to it and I'm sure your LO will be back into her routine again afterwards. Just try not to stress about it too much.
I hope your counselling session goes well x
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Post by littlelotty on Mar 17, 2008 22:16:22 GMT
Hi Katie
I have read most of your posts and I can relate to so many of them. As you said in my thread - I dread being on my own with my LO, I worry she will wind me up and I will not cope, I think I am a crap mother and a failure to her, but deep down I know that she does need me - although I have days - many of them when i think she would be better off without me.
My LO is always having colds, coughs etc and it changes everything. I get to the point of being really strict and a 'hard' mother and let her cry when I put her to bed to get her back into her normal routine, this has worked for me and she soon gets back into it.
My HV said to me today that my LO picks up that I am not confident and will push all the buttons either to get a reaction or to push me to my limits - aren't they just lovely! She said to be consistent with parenting and in time this will improve.
I do find going out with my LO helps me alot - even if it just for a walk or a drive. I take her to soft play areas as it burns off all her energy and she has a lot of fun.
I too worry that I lean on my OH so much and wonder why he is with me particularly after all I have put him through - he says though that he loves me unconditionally and would do anything so just remember that. I couldn't cope without him especially with my LO. Once the PNI gets better I am sure we will be back to 'normal' and like our oldself.
I hope your counselling goes well tommorrow - I have mine next tuesday so let us know how it goes. I think I will be getting counselling for years to tell my life and to deal with all my issues!!!!!
Take Care
Little Lotty xx
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Post by sianyc on Mar 19, 2008 19:12:44 GMT
How did the counselling go Katie?
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Post by katiev on Mar 19, 2008 20:58:46 GMT
My counselling session is tomorrow and hopefully i will be a bit better by then because I have now developed an ear-eye-throat infection and I feel horrendous. Have just got myself some antibiotics and managed to get a day resting (so rare) but its put me in such a dark place. I used to be quite content in the world and I thought it was beautiful and kind and I felt healthy and fit within it. But since having my baby and the absolute destruction of my health and mental state Ive just been absolutely freaking out and thinking that the world is actually full of pain and struggle and its cruel and I truly believe that my luck has just run out. I had my happiness and I obviously didn't make the most of it, so heres all the crap that can be thrown in punishment. I have never felt so negative, so hunted. And its so so so so stupid, but I have an operation soon, the 10th APril (its all i talk about blah blah blah Im sure its just boring now) but I heard on the news about a director who died haemorrhaging during a routine operation and Ive now just about convinced myself that maybe Im going to die. Im so out of control, I have absolutely no reigns on what goes through my head. And Im so sick of the awful thoughts about my LO. LAst night, among many other things, a man ran up to me on a riverbank (we live by the river) and pushed my baby in in her pram into the water and then held me there sop I couldnt rescue her. And we also had a plane crash and I saw her head come off. I HATE IT SO MUCH! I love her CRAZY amounts and I want to imagine beautiful things for her, not sick disgusting awsful things.
Im panicking, freaking, fighting and I feel like Im just bubbling with illness and infection and I want to be that healthy happy energetic and pure person I was before all thids shameful doubt came into my life. I guess i feel worse becasue im ill, but i feel like Im ALWAYS ill and whingeing and feeling shit about this beautiful life ive been given and Im just wasting it. Anyway, must go to bed and not sleep, but its worth a try thank you all so so so much katiev xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 19, 2008 21:13:26 GMT
Hi Katie
I had (and still do on occasions) those awful dreams you described. I would wake up sobbing in the night thinking someone had broken into the house while i slept and murdered my daughter, or she had fallen out of the window, or that we had a car crash and she came out of her seat etc etc...
It was HORRENDOUS! Howeve it was also one of the first parts of PNI to ease off for me. I say ease off as opposed to go as i so occasionaly have it now but very rarely, and it did ease off quite quickly.
You are not always whinging, you are ill and it consumes your life so of course you are going to talk about it. You know we are always listening.
Best of luck for tomorrow and I hope you get over your infection soon xxx
WGx
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