Katie's Diary

[littlelotty]

Hi Katie

How are you - been thinking of you and hope everything is ok.

Let us know when you get 5 mins

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[Bobyn]

Hey Katie,

Hope you're doing ok? We're missing hearing from you. xxx

[katiev]

Hello everybody! Thanks for thinking about me.
Well, its all behind me I guess, cant really go into now as I still can't sit properly so it makes typing difficult! The op went really well but I did find the whole experience pretty emotional and scary. I was on a ward of five very old people that were soiling their beds every five minutes- not a very positive or sweet smelling place to be. I wasn't allowed to eat for three days afterwards but wasnt given a drip or any energy drinks to replace anything so I spent a few horrible nights passing out and throwing up and they would just give me an anti sickness injection. SO full of chemicals. It was really weird to not be able to walk again and be that weak, just like after giving birth, lots of demons coming back. Then I had to deal with not having been at honme with alice for a week and her wanting her nanny more than me, all that stuff. It was hard.
Ginding I can do more now but havent been able to sleep properly.
gotta gp

[littlelotty]

Hi Katie

Glad to hear that the op went ok. Keep letting us know how you are doing as we are thinking of you. Bet you are glad you are back home after that experience!!! can't believe they didn't give you anything to eat or drink and no drip!

Make sure you get lots of rest and keep us posted on your progress - we are always here for you.

Take Care

LittleLotty
xx

[Bobyn]

Hi Katie,

Lovely to hear from you again. Hope you get to spend lots of quality time with Alice now and your days start to feel alot brighter without the dread of the operation hanging over you. What a beautiful warm day it is today, nearly Double Locks weather I think.

Love, Bobs xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Katie

Well done on being so brave during and after the op! I am so glad you are starting to recover and hope you are back to full gas asap!

Hoping you manage to have a decent nights kip tonight babes xx

WG xx

[katiev]

Thank you everyone- cant seem to find a time to write on here at the moment as I am at my folks house in Wales and although they've been wonderful, I really dont like the thought of someone walking in on me pouring my heart out on here- my partner always gives me loads of space to write.
I was really hoping stupidly to feel amazing as soon as the op was over but it really has set me back a bit- Im just exhausted, I think the whole experience relly sapped my energy and confidence again. And the thought of everything happening to me while I had no idea keeps going round in my head, being flipped over nd moved around and just not being aware, I find that very hard to reconcile. I guess Im also still in a lot of muscular pain, it terrifies me every time I go to the toilet, so its still hard in that respect. As the consultant explained, its like having your bicep cut in half and sewn back together- its not just going to work straight away. Theyve said im going to get some physio for it, but god knows when. It was strange, I think the thing that most bothered me about the whole experience was the lack of knowledge about what had happened to my body. I left the hospital not even knowing if my stitches were disolvable or needede to be removed. And, I didn know they did this nowadays, but the outer layer of stitches was actually just superglue. So they had stuck my skin together down there, hairs and all. Which is excruciating when it tears apart, and I was freaking out for days thinking stitches were coming apart. Plus, we thought the wound was oozing because there was all this stuff down there- which turned out to be lumps of glue. Wouldve been nice to know. I ended up going to an emergency appt at my docs and her googling the procedure Id had done to know if my stitches were dissolvable and what the yellow stuff was that wouldnt come off.
Theyve put me on some antibiotics that would make me violently sick (in there words) if I drank any alcohol. So i cant even have a glass of wine. That sucks.

My nerves are completely shot after it all. Every day seems like such a crazy mental battle at the moment. I was taking it really easy up until last wednesday. The night before my partner had left me alone for the night with the Lo becasue he had to go to his dads where his art studio is. So the baby woke up ready to start the day at 5.30 as she always does when I really need her to sleep and I had had an awful night of stressing out, real nervous tummy, convinced I was going to make mysle fsick with it. But I knew my OH was coming back at abiout eight and maybe I could get back to bed. Then he came back to the house at half eight practically crying he was so ill and ran past me to the toilet to throw up and I just went into adrenalin overdrive becasue I was exhausted and suddenly had no way out. my OH was meant to be driving up to my folks place in wales the next day but he wouldnt be able to now, and I was absoultely terrified of catching what he had (turns out it was tonsislitis but i was convinced it was a sickness and diarrhoea bug). Ever since we all caught a hospital bug when Al wqas tiny I have been ridiculously scared of Alice being sick, and myself. So my parents ended up coming and getting me that evening so that me and AL wouldnt catch it and so the family could see her again (havent been home for ages what with ops and illnesses!. And I was really happy to be home. But that night I literally got about two hours sleep because my parnter wasnt around to help all of a sudden and all the responsibility of dealing with the baby in the night just ruined me. I spent the whole next day while everyone was in work so terrified of being on my own looking after my LO that I could throw up, and I had diarrhoea and a tight chest all day. I havent felt like that since right at the beginning when my parner had to finally go back to work and I was suddenly on my own. It was ridiculous and I hated myself for it, but in Wales therre was NOBODY I could get to help me, I dont have friends here anymore and I suddenly felt so so alone.
The same thing happened the next night, I just couldnt get to sleep and every time I dropped off I would wake up with a start and adrenalin and sickness pumping round me. My parents have been great and so the last two nights I have been sleeping at my sisters just up the road and my parents have been doing the night duty- luckily shes been as good as gold. My mum bought me some nytol too, and although i definitely got better sleep up there I had such awful hallucinations that my sister had to keep coming in and stopping me screaming. Once she found me crouched on the floor staring behind the door and in the morning i remmbered seeing a gun coming under the crack in the door and me just being paralysed by fear in the middle of the room. I looked up nytol online and it seems loads of people get hallucinations, so maybe I wont take that tonight!
So everythings still a total mess, Im a nervous wreck, Im paranoid as hell about the LO loving everyone else more than me and my confidence has gone right down the pan. But then I shouldnt really expect anything different coz this is just a blip becasue of the op and how much it weakened me physically again. Hopefully my partner is coming to pick me up tomorrow to go back to exeter, but then Im giong to be suddenly on my own again, becasue he has to go back to work- he took two weeks off for the op because noone else could look after her. SO that was ace, but its going to be such a shock to the system being uber-mummy again and juggling everything.

Hoping to get time to catch up with everyone else when I get home, must go now thought coz me bits are really aching! Oh the glamour of it all. (the other day I cried watching how to look good naked and I realsied that I actually need gok wan in my life to tell me Im ace!!)
Speak soon
katiev x

[winegirl]

Hi Katie

As you know, like you, I have a terrible fear of sickness (i think I have mentioned before it is called emetephobia), and like you if someone else is ill I am PETRIFIED that i am going to get it too. As it happend I am sat here tonight with a bit of a cold bug that has a strange burning taste in the back of my throat and have spent the last few hours frightened of being sick.

And like you I wake up with a jolt with that adrenlin pumping sicky feeling. It stinks and happens to me every morning and occasionaly at night too. However, it does get better. Every day since recovery it has eased off a bit more, and whilst the sickness fear is still there big time, it doesnt restrict me as much as it did.

I am so sorry you are still recovering so steadily from your op hun. It is enough to send anyone into anxiety overdrive! I really hope you are back on form soon xx

Take Care

WG xxx

[Bobyn]

Hi Katie,

No wonder you're falling apart a little bit at the moment, everyone needs to do that sometimes. You've had the buildup of the operation and now that's it's over it's completely understandable that you need a little time to recover. You're doing brilliantly with the PNI though as you're able to see that this is just a bad blip and see why it's happening to you at the moment. I couldn't do that to start with when the PNI was really bad and it's one of the reasons that I know I'm nearly completely recovered as I'm able to tell when things are a blip or PMS instead of getting too caught up in it. I still have the damn blips but it's better knowing that's what they are!

It's strange going back home when there isn't anyone there anymore that you know isn't it? I came down here from London and find it wierd now if I go home. I'm torn between wanting and needing some family time to be looked after myself and wanting to be back at the place that I now fel is my home. It sounds as if your family and OH have been really supportive which is brilliant and exactly what you need right now.

Have a safe journey back home and I hope the Nytol hallucinations don't come back tonight.
Love,
Bobyn
P.S I'd love a Gok Wan hug too, if he comes down this way we could share him xx