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Post by Hopeful on Jul 5, 2010 11:23:54 GMT
Hi,
((hugs)) - how you feeling today? x
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Post by monica on Jul 5, 2010 16:19:42 GMT
Hi
How's the day gone for you? Also sending hugs your way.
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Jul 5, 2010 20:23:17 GMT
Firstly, get your ass back on mushbook,
Secondly, dont go giving me this `im bad' crap because you are NOT. You are one of the few people in this world who genuinely cares about your friends and their welfare.
Thirdly, I am worried about you and you need to talk to me when you get 5 mins peace.
And finally, come saturday mate it will all be transformed again. Remember how Ice skating was a transformation? Well drinking rose and listening to muse will be too. Hang in there and know that if you get lost on the train down i will somehow get you here xxx
Love you x
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Post by HintOfSunshine on Feb 4, 2011 10:26:14 GMT
Hi Bean, it's not a mistake to come back & you're so welcome. It's good to see you again! I haven't been on for a long time too & have recently come back. Don't take it personally, the problem is that everybody cares SOOOO much that they are thinking emotionally & not always logically. Yes a line will be drawn under this, we'll move forward & we'll all focus on what's truly important. We ALL want the best for this wonderful site that supports so many in such a huge way.
Andrea xx
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Post by HintOfSunshine on Feb 5, 2011 13:52:01 GMT
Hi Bean,
Just wondering how you're feeling today? Thinking of you hun.
Axx
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Post by bean on Feb 5, 2011 21:44:09 GMT
Hi A Thanks for asking, not feeling too great physically have trapped something i think in my neck and in loads of pain when i move, also getting Js cold or some sort of bug thats making me feel pants. Im not bad but want to say again that it was not my intention to upset or hurt anyone by posting. My main regret is the fact that i set up my diary for my own use and dont know if i can or should be using it now, I know Im much further down the road of recovery than I was, however i know i will still get blips and i wanted to re-read some of my old entries, especially the s/h poems, to get some perspective back into my thoughts (fell off s/h wagon tuesday night). I know this was just a slip up but wanted to reassure myself by looking back to my feelings before. Im not going to go on about what was said above, I need to look after myself and get myself fit for next week (doing another course). Thanks again for asking, I will be ok. xx
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Post by HintOfSunshine on Feb 6, 2011 7:47:01 GMT
Hi Bean,
I really hope the neck pain has eased this morning, I get that quite a bit & it's sooo painful every time you move! I always found it's a good excuse for lots of long, relaxing, soothing baths.
Don't worry, you really haven't upset anybody at all & you can carry on using your diary exactly as you always have done. I think it's a great idea to read back through it & gain some perspective on your thoughts. When I'm struggling, I always find it helps to see the bigger picture - perspective is great! It sounds like even though you're having a tough time at the moment, you're still making great progress - well done you!!
Axx
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Post by juppster on Feb 6, 2011 8:36:14 GMT
Ouch on the neck pain..sorry you had a bit of a slip on the s/h the other day but it sounds as though you are managing to put it into perspective which is great. Hoping you get yourself better for your course next week xx
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Post by Veritee on Feb 6, 2011 11:02:07 GMT
You OK Bean, You are no longer member? Anyway you know how to contact me . Love to you
Veritee xx
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Post by bean on Feb 6, 2011 12:52:11 GMT
Hi Vee Worried there for a minute, thought you were saying I was no longer a member, but you were asking? Is this because I signed in as a guest? That was just cos on iPod and was for a quick reply. I know things have been said on my behalf but please believe me I wish to still be a member and it was not my intention to stop being so.
I'm ok-ish Vee and hope that you are well. Love to you and B too xx
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Post by Veritee on Feb 8, 2011 23:51:46 GMT
That's great, glad you are still here I'd miss you! I am using my iPhone to write this but I just downloaded an app that allows you to use ProBoards forums like this one and signs you in automatically to those you are a member so you only have to put your password etc in once. Anyway I hope you are doing OK Vee xxx
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Post by bean on Apr 6, 2012 15:20:25 GMT
Hi Not been here for long time, sorry, just needed to look something up for myself. As I always said my diary was a tool to help me and at times I sorely miss it, have been looking for ages for the two poems I wrote, as I havent copies of theses anymore and been trying not to read the in between bits. I felt I needed to re-visit this place I was in when I wrote them. Just need to copy them here so I can find them whenever I need to easily. Sorry if anyone offended by them, this being a separate section to the main diary forum I hope it wont.
September 2008
I wonder why it feels so good to cut myself so deep To feel the blade go into my skin and the warm blood begin to seep To hold my arm on an iron or over a flame until I want to cry Then feeling so much inner shame until I want to die Then dealing with these cuts and burns gets harder every time The guilty thoughts running through my head I dull these thoughts with wine Then covering up so no-one sees the scars that show my pain The scars that show no matter what I truely am to blame I really do not understand why I have to hurt so much This addiction has taken over my mind and that's why I hate it such There has to be another way to manage all this pain This pain in my head, will I find the way or will things just stay the same The lies, the secrecy, the guilt and regret I want it all to stop right now But it's been in my life for such a long time I really, really don't know how And then there's tomorrow, I'll have them again the urges I try so hard to fight To succeed is my wish, my hope and my need To stop this despair And to turn on my light...
March 2009
The scars have started fading They've started to go away But have they gone forever? I really cannot say I know I'll have some slip ups I know I'll get the urge But when I do, I'll ask myself Is this what I deserve? I don't deserve to hurt anymore I don't deserve that shame Cause now I really do believe That I was not to blame Now I take each day at a time Don't think of what may come And if there's a crisis along the way I'll do what has to be done I'll remind myself I am a good bean I'm special, I'm kind, I'm loving And it really must be seen That I want to start forgiving Forgiving myself for all that I've done For lying, betraying and failing And forgiving others for what they have done For hurting, betraying and failing My next step in life is the biggest one yet The one where I really start living The scariest, most feared, yet exciting one yet Where I can move on and really start giving My future's a blank, just waiting for me To fill it with what I desire So it's time now beany to set you free You can do whatever you inspire... bean x
Sorry for coming back, just need to re-assess myself and life again, as back with crs and new assessment done recently. Its really hard reading how I was then but maybe helpful in the long run. Think its harder because I went back on meds reluctantly in October but side effects meant Ive asked to come off so have now had 3 nights on new ones and majorly spaced out. Just need to ride it cost I know it will pass and that I need the meds at the moment.
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Post by monica on Apr 6, 2012 18:17:12 GMT
Welcome back, Bean. You know you will always get a warm welcome.
It's crappy that ur new Meds are making you feel spaced out. Remember that feeling well and it's horrible, but as you say hang on in there and fingers crossed it starts to ease off shortly.
It really brought a lump to my throat reading your poems. The earlier one echoing such despair and the second hope. You ave come so far, you really have, so don't ever forget that. You really ave turned your life around and that will give others hope that they can too.
Love
Monica
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Apr 6, 2012 18:55:37 GMT
Your first poem really gave me an insight into how that must feel, it is really powerful and beautifully written Bean.
The other poem is so hopeful and giving - to yourself. Absolutely brilliant.
Sending hugs N xxx
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Apr 6, 2012 19:48:57 GMT
Hi Bean,
Don't you apologise for coming back, re-visiting. Nice to see you on here although not nice that you're having a rough time.
Hope you know how talented you are writing those poems. It's a real gift to be able to write down how you feel so eloquently; allowing others to gain insight and comfort too.
Hope the new meds settle down soon.
Big hugs x
* Sent from my mobile *
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