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Post by sianyc on Oct 5, 2006 18:57:19 GMT
Hi
Just had the chance to read through your posts - Jack has the prefect mummy FOR HIM. He wouldn't be without you even though you're ill at the moment. You've been brave in going back to education and doing something for both of your futures. I'm studying too and I know it can add extra stress which you don't need. Keep in mind the rewards at end and come on here to let it all out x
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Oct 5, 2006 20:02:32 GMT
Hey chick
Just hoping your doing ok and your days are brighter.
Have you managed to get out anywhere? x
Chin up x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 6, 2006 9:16:31 GMT
Hi
Had a couple of ok days. Been told i am a lot brighter. Think the new meds are starting to work. Went out with jack yesterday to a breastfeeding support group we help out and it was awful. I shouldnt have gone really. Stayed for about half an hour but as it got busier i got worse and had to make a run for it. I really am struggling to be in other peoples company and making conversation. Jack decided to have a tantrum which made me feel worse although i was praised for dealing with it well (i didnt give in to him and ignored him til he stopped having his paddy). I think i am doing ok until i try and go out and do something normal which we always have done then i feel deflated because i struggle with it. I know i need to keep trying to get out but i feel really put off because it ends up being so horrible.
Thanks for your words of encouragement sianyc. It means a lot. what are you studying at the moment. Do you find it hard to concentrate when you feel so low. I know i do. I cant get motivated and feel so tired that i am not taking anything in. I am not going to give up though.
Take care girls.
Michelle
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Post by sianyc on Oct 7, 2006 9:09:07 GMT
I'm doing a course in work training to be a tax inspector. Not a very popular choice!
I've got an exam on Tuesday - eek. I'm ok studying on good, ok and flat days. Bad days are a complete write off cos it's the last thing I can think about and definatley can't concentrate.
Well done for trying to get back to your normal routine. I'm sure it will help.
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 16, 2006 18:57:09 GMT
Last week has been a better week. Actually got out nearly every day with Jack. Its still hard. Today been a bad day. Just remembered why i stopped going out in the first place. Went to a breastfeeding support group that i help run and jack was horrible. Had endless paddys, screamed almost all the time and constantly wanted his own way all the time and i nearly walked out and left him there. I ended up being horrible to him and that was the start of my crap day. Then went into town and he screamed non stop then. Really not sure if i even like him at the moment. I cant cope with him. Its driving me up the wall. I dont know how i made it to his bedtime without killing him today. Just when i thought i was doing so much better. I think its going to be a long time before i can go somewhere with him and be happy and be able to socialise with other people too. I have forgotten what to do!
Jack going to grandmas tomorrow as they are taking him out for the day (thank god i dont have to put up with him) so its got to be a better day.
hi sianyc - how did you get on with your exam.
Hope you all having a better time than me.
Shell
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 17, 2006 19:32:04 GMT
So much for thinking today would be better because i didnt have jack - it was just as bad. Had appt with primary link worker and ended up getting upset whilst talking then carried on feeling crap for rest of day. Cant believe at the weekend i felt good and now i feel like crap again. I am so sick of being like this. It just isnt getting any better. I am so tired i cant be bothered to pull myself round anymore.
College tomorrow so another day without jack - yippee. Then he is going to his dads for few hours on thursday afternoon - yippee again. Really cant be bothered with him at moment. Hes better away from me anyway. He doesnt even like me at the moment.
God why do i feel so horrible all the time and why does everyone say it will get better - i hate that - it never happens
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Oct 18, 2006 20:25:29 GMT
Hi Shell
I've been on my hols and also didn't have a line due to NTL - GRRRRRRRR
Just wanted you to know I've caught up on your diary and having been wondering how things have been.
I'm glad you've managed some good times and I'm sorry today wasn't as good. Sometimes good days can make you worse when you drop low again - it seems so cruel to be given a taste of 'normality'
Anyway, less of the rambling, just wanted to say Hi
Take Care
KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 19, 2006 15:15:29 GMT
got a new health visitor and my old hv was supposed to arrange for me to meet her. That was a week gone monday and not heard anything from either of them. my eyp went on maternity leave in august and my replacement is so crap - she never rings me or sees me and when she does she doesnt know what to say to me and i get no help from her. Been referred to counselling about 6 weeks ago and not heard from them. Supposed to be a CPN contacting me today and coming out to see me and not heard from them either. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE. I NEED HELP AND NO ONE CAN BE BOTHERED TO OFFER IT
I am so fed up with everyone. I dont want to be left on my own but i am. I dont want jack either but have to have him too. I want to feel happy again and thats not happening either. SO SO SO SO FED UP I CANT BEAR IT ANY LONGER
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Post by cheshire on Oct 22, 2006 17:13:48 GMT
Shell
I'm sorry you're feeling so fed up with it all - did the CPN come out to you in the end?
Thinking of you
HopefulXxx
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 23, 2006 11:31:34 GMT
Social worker turned up on the doorstep on thursday and friday. i know i wanted help but didnt expect them. They are not as bad as i thought though although they did frogmarch me down to a & e to be assessed by the mental health crisis team. At least someone is noticing me now.
Jack has gone to live with grandma for a while until i can get better and be able to cope with him. Friday was so bad. I couldnt even face getting up and left jack to himself in a dirty nappy from 6 til 11.30. Such a bad mam - i dont deserve to have children. Have to stay with my friend at moment as cant even look after myself and if left on my own i think i will end up doing something bad. Cant believe i have such a supportive mate. I dont deserve her either.
Seen cpn this morning and going to change my medication as its not working and need something stronger. New hv supposed to be calling round this week too. I will believe that when i see it.
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Post by cheshire on Oct 23, 2006 15:09:00 GMT
Shell,
We're here for you.
HopefulX
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 26, 2006 10:45:02 GMT
Finally met my new health visitor and i dont like her. Think she is a stuck up cow and i am going to get nowt off her. Cant believe i have had to have a new one as my old hv is absolutely brill and i can tell her anything. Why do things always have to change.
Getting jack today for the night. Dreading it. Its been nearly a week since i last had him and worried how it will be.
My ex-hubby told me he has met someone else now. Cant believe it. Its only been 4 month since we split and he has already found someone else. I know he has to get on with his life as i have held him back too long but think 4 months is too soon. I am not sure if its the pni that made me leave him but if it was then theres no going back now. Suppose the world doesnt revolve around me.
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 28, 2006 15:13:29 GMT
never managed to have jack overnight. Took him to birthday party at my friends house and i couldnt even manage that with him. I left him there (under friends permission) and went home and cried and self harmed again. What am i doing. I am supposed to be getting better but i am getting worse. Getting jack tomorrow and hopefully keep him here overnight but then there is the dread of spending all that time with him and what am i going to do with him. He is two next weekend and we are having a joint party for him and my best friends little boy and i wish we werent. How am i going to act normal and happy and sociable aroung all our family and friends.
Think i am in self-destruction mode now. Self harming, eating very little or nothing each day, avoiding people and life and now i feel like getting drunk. Just poured myself a vodka and coke and its going down very nicely. At least i might actually get to sleep with no problem tonight.
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Post by Veritee on Oct 29, 2006 18:59:33 GMT
Dear shell
I have been following your dairy , I hope you do not mind, I do try not to intrude
How are you tonight - Sunday
Did you have Jack today?
Please do not be so hard on yourself, many of us have got to the point of collapse when we had PNI and not being able to care for our children or even change a nappy.....
But if we have partners or husbands even thought they do not want to they take up the slack - they do as they have to ..
but as a single woman you do not have this option so you have done exactly the right thing - made sure your son is being cared for by this Granny and gone to stay with a friend to care for you.
I have a husband but I was sort of a 'half' single mother
in that my husband is away at sea for up to 8 months of a year so for a few weeks he would be there to help btu then he would go away to sea and leave me completey on my own fro up to 3 months with no one
and when i was at my absolute worst with PNI I did not have any relatives young enough to help me out as i was an older mother and my daughters Gran - my mum - was blind
But like you at one point when my husband was at sea and I was really unwell I went to stay with a friend and in my case took my baby Caja with me.
My friend was amazing
I did not stay long but it did help and from that moment on I used every opportunity to get a break from my daughter..
I worked and put her at every opportunity into childcare and took her round friends and often stayed the night so I woul dnot be alone with Caja
I do not regret this as it was the best thing i could do for Caja and myself at that time
You have to do this sometimes to survive PNI and to just get through it.
So I please do not knock yourself so much - you have ensured Jack is safe when you can not cope with him and this is the best you can do at the moment...
Please keep talking on here as we are always here and listening even if we do not reply and keep trucking on to get the 'official' help you need as sometimes it can take a while I am afraid
and use your family whenever you can..
Don't feel guilty about your Jack living with grandma for a while, or going there when you need a break. There is nothing wrong with this!
Grandma's love their grandchildren as much, but in a different way, from you and many, many mothers have had their children looked after by their grandparents, she is Jacks family not a stranger - I was looked after by mine for a while in the 195o, i enjoyed it - there is nothing wrong with this......
I just wish i had had grandparents young enough to help me with Caja when she had PNI but I did have good friends and a husband who was home sometimes and you do not have a husband so use who you do have!!
If this grandma your mother or Jacks fathers mum?
Anyway I hope you are Ok tonight and if Jack was with you today that it went well?
All the best
VeriteeXX
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Oct 31, 2006 19:15:19 GMT
Hi veritee
Thanks for replying. What you said makes sense. Jack stopped with me on sunday night but went to grandma (which is ex-hubbys mum) yesterday. They have been really supportive. Had a bad day with jack on sunday. Cant seem to be able to deal with him when we are out. No wonder i choose to stay at home most of the time. I have forgotton how to do all the simple things like talking to him and playing with him too and just wish he wasnt here.
Saw my doc and cpn today. Hoping to change meds to a different anti-d but due to new guidelines can only be prescribed by secondary person so i have to see a psychiatrist next tuesday. Anything is worth a try. Dont know how much longer i can go on feeling like this. I was so close to ending it all on saturday but my friend rang me and stopped me. By the time i put phone down i was too tired to do anything and fell asleep. It was the first night i got to sleep with no problem in a fortnight although still woke up all through the night.
I just wish i could be happy, actually be able to have feelings for and love jack, to be able to enjoy being with him and have my life back. This illness is so unfair.
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