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Post by sianyc on Nov 1, 2006 10:56:52 GMT
hey Shell
Haven't been on for a few days. I really felt for you when I was catching up on your diary.
I'm sure that with some time you'll be better able to cope with Jack. Take it slowly and get better. This won't last forever.
It's good that you have a friend that can support you though this illness and a Grandma to care for Jack. He won't be affected by this time in your lives - kids adapt quicker and better than we do.
Look after yourself chicken. We're all here for you x
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 3, 2006 21:03:49 GMT
Hi Shell
Not been on properly for a while but have been trying to nip on and keep up with how you're doing.
Keep hanging in there, you'll make it.
Take care, thinking of you
KL X
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 9, 2006 22:23:17 GMT
Had to see psychiatrist on tuesday so that i can change my medication to something stonger. It was so horrible having to sit in a room with three people all asking me questions they already knew the answers to already. Got another anti-d to take aswell as the prozac. I really hope it works as i dont think i can take much more of this.
Social Services still pestering me about family group conference which i have finally agreed to just to get them off my back.
Just self harmed again tonight. Punishing myself again for being a crap mam and also giving up college. Have to see tutor in morning and tell her that i will have to start again next year. Really feel like a failure but cant even deal with life let alone college work and a placement in a playgroup.
Wish my life was back on track. Cant go on much longer
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 10, 2006 8:01:36 GMT
Hi Shell x
Glad you've been to see the psychiatrist and things are being changed which will hopefully have some impact for the better x
Giving up college is a responsible and perhaps sensible decision to make, don't be too down on yourself about it - you have a good foundation and it will be all the more rewarding when you do complete the course. The last thing you need at the minute is too much pressure. You CAN do it just at the moment other things are occupying you - well done for getting so far x
You're NOT a failure and you're NOT a crap mum (I know at times this is hard to beleive) You are a wonderful person who is in the grips of a horrendous illness but you're going to come out fighting x Jack has unconditional love for you like your family has and they would rather have you like this than not at all. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you're making steps towards it - beleive it or not!
Don't really know what to say to make you feel better but just want you to know that I'm here and really willing things to get better for you
KL x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 11, 2006 13:33:15 GMT
Think i have finally hit rock bottom. So desperate for help now. Self harmed again and had to go to a and e to be assessed and i really wanted them to keep me in but they just sent me home again so self harmed again and cut my arms and had to go back to a and e and they sent me home again. Why are they so useless. Social services decided i am not capable of looking after jack on my own so if u#i have him i have to be with someone else. Seeing cpn on monday morning and see what happens then. Its gonna be a long weekend til then and i am staying with friends as i am not allowed to be on my own because i am a danger to myself.
Sooner these new pills work the better. Otherwise i am afraid i wont be here much longer.
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Post by yoyo on Nov 11, 2006 20:05:31 GMT
Shell you are so strong - you are going through probably one of the worst parts of this horrid illness but you will get through this. You can only improve now. It WILL take time and the pills will take a while to kick in to full affect but remember to take as much help and support as if offered to you and keep talking on here - it'll help you x x x x
Thinking of you x
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 11, 2006 20:09:17 GMT
Hi Honey
I'm so sorry you are struggling at the moment and crying out for help but not getting the support x
Were you not given a contact number for a crisis team? Did A&E not offer helplines etc? The only reason I ask is because I work within this environment and it's the info we would provide.
Again I'm left unsure what to say but I also don't want you to feel alone x Take care and good luck for Monday, I hope you get the support you need x
Kirsty xxxx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 13, 2006 7:56:22 GMT
Hi Shell
Good Luck with the CPN, how did the rest of your weekend go?
Thinking of you
Kirsty xxxx
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 13, 2006 8:57:17 GMT
Had another bad weekend. My ex-hubby called out emergency gp to see me then they sent out the crisis team to see me again. Cut myself again - this tiome did my wrists. Got so low yesterday. Hubby was supposed to bring jack round and he didnt and i got to the stage where i feel i cant go on anymore. I got all my paracetamol, prozac, mirtazapine and vodka out and was about to end it all but then the gp turned up. Wish he hadnt. At least it would be over now.
Ex has now taking all my razors and knives and pills to his house so i cant do any harm. Cant believe how bad i have got. I honestly cant see any way out of this black tunnel. This light is getting further and further away.
2 hours to go til see my cpn and see what happens then. I always end up feeling worse when ive been so dont be surprised if i self harm again.
Jack and ex stayed with me last night butjack is going back to grandmas tonight so dont know what i am going to do yet. All the awards for the worst mother go to Michelle!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please hurry up and work pills. I hate this life. In fact its not a life its an existance and i hate it. Please start working
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Post by winegirl on Nov 13, 2006 10:00:43 GMT
Hi Shell
Hang in there babes,the pills will start working and I know trying to be patient with that is one of the hardest things to deal with, but they will kick in. When I was on the pills a few years back I found it took just over a week for them to kick in. I too was self harming and then just woke up one day out of the blue after being on the meds and didn't feel the need anymore.
Hope all goes ok with the CPN and just hang in there. There is so much joy ahead of you and in time you will be abl,e to enjoy it.
Love Winegirl x
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Post by yoyo on Nov 13, 2006 10:06:20 GMT
Hi shell79, winegirl has put it so well x This really does stink and esp when you desperately need the help but can't seem to get it. The pills will help - it does take a little while though and sometimes a few alterings of the dose etc to get full benefits.
How did things go with your CPN? Do you manage to tell her exactly how you've been doing? It's difficult isn't it!
The desperationg of feeling that death is the only way out, the only way for peace, the better option for everyone involved is overwhelming isn't it? Many women on here I'm sure can relate to just what you've been saying. I too had a spell like this that lasted a little while but I can honestly say that I am so pleased I didn't go through with things (got v close at times) as life is how it should be now (just about). The feelings for others and yourself will start to return. Please hang in there - once you get through this bit, the only way really is upwards x x x
Keep talking on here x
Might be worth showing some of your posts to your CPN or Doc??
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Post by Veritee on Nov 14, 2006 11:04:46 GMT
Dear Shell
How are you today? I am so sorry this is happening to you – has it led to the help you need? There is light at the end of the tunnel - really.
There was a time that i threw all the knives in my house down a mine shaft myself ( i live on an old mine in Cornwall) - not because I self harm but becasue I really was scared I would kill myself and had terrible thoughts of harming Caja
I hit rock bottom too - and the only way after this was up
I know how traumatic being told yo can not be with your child unsupervised may be for you as many of us who use this forum have been there - in that we have been told that we can not be on our own with out own children by the social services etc.
It adds to your self view that you are a crap mum and makes it all worrse sometimes - I wish this would nto happen but that resourses were put into place to support you and enable you to look after your child if thats what you would prefer?
You are not the worst mother Michelle at all, or in any way a 'bad' mum!!
- I think few on this forum have not felt this but we are all caring mothers with an alwful illness - and i hope that everyone involved with you are reasuring you of that?
Self harm alone however not a common reason to not be allowed unsupervised access to yor child, as many on this forum have self harmed and some who have done this are single parents, but very few have been told they should not be with their children because of self harm.
This may be why you were sent home the first time from the hospital too as ironically self harm is not usually considered to be a real medical risk nor that the person is a risk to anyone else or even themselves ...
As the common view is that once someone has self harmed they have used this to cope with their feelings and they will be OK for a while - which does usually happen . And if you need psychological help then this would be via the usual channels i.e. GP and waiting list for a counsellor etc or Social services if you are already in touch with them...
So I guess on the positive side - at least the second time they took your distress seriously enough to realise you needed help!!
but I am always appalled when it takes this to get through that you need help -
I am so sorry
I think it is not common because it is considered that self harmers only harm themselves and never usually in front of others and especially not their children and often if you self harm once it is done you hide the results very well - so your children are unlikely to see any result of your self harm....
so because of this it is rare for this to be a reason why you can not be on your own with your child.
It could be down to frequency - that you have done it twice in a short time - or that you are very distressed as well? Or other circumstances i am not aware of?
Have you asked them the exact reasons for this? and what are they going to do to follow up ? As if this step has been taken it is very important that they give you support in the meantime and that you know what is going to happen and under what circumstances you get the care of your child back unsupervised
However most who have been in your current position re unsupervised care of our children have had a partner at home and /or close relatives such as Grans and Granddads or friends so they have been able to stay with their children as they would do a rota to make sure they were not alone or the partner would stay home from work.
But even if you have someone at home It is a terrible thing to be told you are not safe to be with your own child/ren.
I know because I have been there!!
It was when Caja was 10 months which was a long time ago now but it still hurts to this day that I was told I could not be alone with my child - and actually I know they were wrong and knew it then - although I had thoughts i would harm her I always knew that they were fears rather than any will to harm her - I loved her more than my life.
But having someone say that I was not allowed to be alone with my child was devastating
Anyway too cut a long story short. When Caja was 10 months she was so underweight that she was considered to be failing to thrive, and through lack of other explanations it was thought that I was neglecting her to the point of not feeding her!!!
Of course this was not at all true and later it was found that the reason for her failure to thrive was an undetected hole in her heart!!
She was put in hospital as an emergency failure to thrive and when she was discharged I was told I could not be on my own with her!!!
But I know that the reason they suspected that I was somehow to blame was because in fact I did have severe PNI and at so that time my level of distress was sky high, I was nto self harming by cutting but I would bang my head on a wall till it bruised and I was crying all the time and often angry and because I had weird thoughts about the end of the world and harm coming to my baby etc ( most of which I did nto dare tell them) my behavour was erratic and this with my child pushed me over the edge.
I know that without my obvious distress despite her underweight it would never have happened that it was felt I coudl nto be alone with my child - it was my distress that did it.
What is really ironic is I was never diagnosed to have PNI!! or any emotional or mental illness - it was just assumed - I have read my notes - that I was distressed because I knew I was neglecting my child and was shamed or embarrassed !!!
Anyway my husband was at sea at the time for nearly 4 months and was unable to get home so I nearly lost custody of my baby altogether as I was nearly 40 and my parents frail so coudl nto help and i had few friends nearby so my only solution was to get discharged to a friends house who lived about 20 miles away as I had no one who was prepared to look after an underweight 10 month old and indeed I was so worried about her myself I coudl nto bare to leave her.
This just made my life even more difficult as I had horses and other farm animals at home plus dogs and cats so had to do a 40 mile trip every day to feed them!!! and I had to go to work as normal!! - awful days -
I am sorry to go on about my own situation which was over 16 years ago when you are in such distress. but did want to support you......
I suppose partly i thought if I just said 'I have been there!' it might sound like I was just saying it so i wanted to explain what actually happened and also even all these years on if i start to talk about it I just can nto seem to tell it in few words
but what I did learn from my own experience is that if you want to be able to be with your child as soon as possible in the future, even though you are very distressed -- and were anyway before you were told you could not be alone with your child and this is why this has happened.............. that it is best to first find out EXACTLY what the planes are for your situation? what they are going to offer you and what they would like to see before they will let you have unsupervised access again of your child.
And to get back to a point where you can be on your own with your child to cooperate fully with whatever is in mind - i.e having a social worker, therapy, crisis team etc
What have they put in to support you? and do your know where they are going with this?
as it is not good saying you can not be alone with your child without putting resources in place to change the situation.
I know it may be the last thing you feel that you can do right now ...but it is essential to be proactive and not feel a victim in this??
Well that is my experience and my experience may not be relevant as it happened to me for a different reason.
But others on here that it has happened for similar reasons have nto all seen it as all bad ... As at the very least it gave them a breathing space without full responibility of their child when they were nto feeling up to caring for them anyway.
And it drew attention to the fact that they needed help and support and this led to most getting this help and support
(it did not at all for me but this was a long time ago and different circumstances and a different social services)
Please keep us informed about what happens - we are thinking of you
VeriteeXXX
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Nov 15, 2006 8:07:07 GMT
Hi Shell
How are things? How did your appointment go with the CPN?
Hang in there honey, you'll beat this.
At a loss for what to write but want you to know I'm thinking about you
KL x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Nov 15, 2006 9:18:38 GMT
Nothing much happened with meeting with cpn. Seeing her again on thursday afternoon. Had jack for the day yesterday which went better than i expected. Thought i was having an ok sort of day til i took jack to in-laws and got so much grief off them and they kept telling me to snap out of it nd that made me feel worse again so came home and cut myself again. Why did they have to go on at me. It doesnt help. Told my social worker and she was going to see them today and have another chat with them but i dont think it will matter. What they say to her and what they say to me are two different things. My crap health visitor actually rang me yesterday. Its been over a fortnight since she last got in touch. Thought she had left the planet. Not that i get much use out of her. Just another person to tell me "it will get better" and "you are ill". Think i will clean the house for the next hour then go and see jack. Wonder what will be said to me today.
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tasha
Full member
Posts: 40
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Post by tasha on Nov 15, 2006 10:16:09 GMT
Hi, Hope you dont mind me replying to your dairy, I am new to this, recently diginosed with pni, I 2 am waiting for my meds to kick in!!! Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. tashaxx
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