shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 11, 2007 6:10:47 GMT
temptation won and ended up self harming last night. Ended up cutting and scratching arms til they bled. Wish i could break this cycle. Well i suppose today is another day and hopefully wont slip up today
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Post by monica on Feb 11, 2007 10:18:46 GMT
Hello
I'ms ure seeing Jack was diffiuclt and even if at the time he didn't react to you much you are so important to him. My son was away from me for about 5 days when he was little. When he came back he really wasn't interested in me - I thought he would bound into my open arms. But that's the way kids react sometimes. Myeb there were toys there that wwere more exciting that anything else.
I heop the new meds help you and glad you're feeling more positive. Try not to beat yourself up about the self harm. You did so well to fight it for a week. The recovery process much like PNI is never an overnight success story; it's ups and downs but hoepfully in time things will get better.
You've got people around you who really love and care for you and you will beat this.
Lots of love
Monica
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 12, 2007 19:47:54 GMT
not self harmed since sat night - two days without doing anything. Seems pretty amazing to me considering i was doing it every day. Still trying to stay positive. Had visit from cpn today and got on ok with her again today. She was quite informative today and telling me how things are going to go over the next few weeks. At CAB in morning to try sort out finances, Thanks to bloody council and them not paying much housing benefit i now have more money going out than coming in. Hope we can do something. My friends reckons i can claim disability living allowance but i am not sure. Got the form sent out but will check with cab tomorrow. Next to tackle is sleep - not getting much sleep nowadays. Only sleeping for about two hours then awake tossing and turning for rest of night. Been up since 3 this am and i know that as soon as i go to bed whether its late or not i will still wake after couple of hours. Tried winding down, having a bath, having hot choc, reading and nothing seems to work. Im starting to feel like a zombie. Mentioned this to cpn today and she is gonna have a word with my consultant and see what he suggests. Any tips!!!!!!!!! Just wish i could go to sleep. Its the only relief from this pain i get. Really missing jack. Back to square one whereas i dont know how long it will be before i can see him again. Why do i have to mess everything up.
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Post by cheshire on Feb 12, 2007 22:30:36 GMT
Hi Shell,
I have just started to overcome my sleeping problem - I had to give myself time, but certain things help now (including an older baby that I am no longer listening out for).
Have you tried aromatherapy. I find it helps. I also find getting up and doing something monotonous e.g. ironing..helps as once I start, I find going back to bed the preferable option. Exercise does help to whack you out, but I couldn't do this during the early stages of the illness.
Can you take sleeping tablets at the moment e..g zopiclone or sedatives to help you drift off e.g. diazepam?
Just suggestions based on my own experiences, sorry, may not be helpful at all.
But we are here for you
Hopefulx
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Post by monica on Feb 13, 2007 18:44:59 GMT
Hi
Glad things are bit better.
Not getting enough sleep is torture. I couldn't sleep either with PNI. Things that worked for me were a couple of drops of lavender oil on a tissue and put into the pillow case. Don't normally like the smell but seemed to help me sleep. Also deep breathing using the stomach muscles; tensing up then releasing was something else that did the trick.
Could it be your meds that aren't letting you sleep. Some have this side effect.
Take care
Monica
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 14, 2007 11:28:48 GMT
Whats happening. Just cut arms and legs again. Why do i always revert back to self harming. I was doing well until the weekend and cant seem to stop it again. So much for trying to be more positive. Why do i have to let myself down all the time. Normal people would just pick up the phone and ring someone and i just cant seem to do that. I only think about ringing someone after i have harmed. I actually wanted to stop the SH last week but now its back with a vengeance. Its like an awful addiction. Its such an awful cycle that i suppose i will have to try to break again. Feeling pretty crap today anyway. Cant stop crying today. Think its down to lack of sleep as well as that i am really missing jack so much. Its awful not knowing when i will see him next. I need him so much. I just want my little boy back with me and doing the things we did before i got so ill. Also cant put out of my mind that its 7 years ago yesterday when i met my ex-hubby. Things were so good then and we were so happy. Even though he is being mr nasty now i still miss him too. This time last year i had everything. Now i have lost everything. Ive lost my hubby, my house, my family, my son, my confidence, my self esteem - oh the list never ends. I am sick of being such a negative person but cant change the habit of a lifetime.
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Post by winegirl on Feb 15, 2007 20:38:53 GMT
Hi Shell
I am sorry to hear you had such a crap day yesterday. I have been there with self harmimg and I even found it bizzare when I was doing it. Couldn't understand why I was doing it but kept on with it anyway! Can you ask gp for some sleeping tablets. Actually, demand some! The overwhwlming tiredness will be making this much worse and distorting your mind. Hang in there mate, one day soon this will all come right and that is what you are working towards, I'm really sure of that.
Look after yourself
Winegirl x
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 19, 2007 1:24:19 GMT
Its 1.15am and i am still awake. Been over 2 weeks now since i last had a good night sleep. Now got a constant headache from lack of sleep and i feel like a zombie. I am so tired now but still cant get to sleep. Living on 2 - 4 hours max sleep per night (normally broken sleep). When jack was newborn and i was up breastfeeding all night it didnt feel this bad. Got appt with doc on tues so will def demand something to help me sleep. I cant go on like this. So wound up anyway today. Dreading tomorrow (or today should i say) . Got mediation in morning which shouldnt be too bad. Then solicitors in afternoon which i think will go badly as its the first time i have had appt with them since before last overdose and they know about that so i am afraid its going to go against me and ruin my chances of getting jack back. I am so scared of going as i am dreading what they have to say. Reckon there will be a few home truths that i will be told. Because of the amount of scars on my arms and legs due to self harm i have started going over the same couple of scars to avoid more marks and give the others a chance to heal. Thought this would be a good idea but not sure now as these scars are just getting deeper and bigger and im not sure if that means there big chance of infection. Ideally i shouldnt do it anyway but i cant help it. I need to harm. I want to stop but dont think i have the will power to do it. Well i really need some luck today. I wish this day was over. I wish i had jack back. I wish i had my life back. Why cant i just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Living in a dream world again!!! I know i am the only one who can change things but i just dont have the effort anymore. I am too tired to do anything
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lucie
Full member
Posts: 34
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Post by lucie on Feb 19, 2007 12:03:27 GMT
Just come across your diary - hope you don't mind me saying 'hello'.
I have had PNI since the birth of my second daughter last March (can't believe almost a year) and started self harming last september. I now cannot stop - never did it before but is the only control i feel i have at the moment.
I really feel for you and alot of what you said especially about SH really made sense to me.
Hope you have got rest today - big hug xx
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 19, 2007 22:32:05 GMT
what a horrible day
saw solicitor and said that the case is going to go to court and that it is gonna take a long time to be dealt with. I have to expect it to take at least 6 months before i can get jack back - if i get him back. In the meantime gonna try and reinstate contact between me and jack but need to get phil to agree to it and i think hes gonna be as difficult as possible. Feel so down in the dumps now. Dont know how i am gonna get through the next few months alone. I dont know why i feel so sorry for myself. I only have myself to blame for this. Only got 3 hours sleep last night. Docs tomorrow so hope i can get something to help as just want some peace for more than a few hours each night. Feeling very tired today. Eyes are so heavy now but when i try to sleep i end up being wide awake so i cant win. No surprises due to todays events but self harmed pretty badly tonight. Its all my fault this mess so i am the only one who can be punished for it. Serves me right for being such a crap mummy.
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Post by helenr on Feb 19, 2007 23:37:56 GMT
Hi Shell, I don't know what tosay really, just that I'm thinking about you. You are definately not a crap mummy, you're just having a really crap time just now! TI can understand about the sleeping though, sleep deprivation is awful. Everything just seems so much worse, and you cant see it ever getting better. The only thing that keeps me going is this site, if other ladies can do it then so can i - AND SO CAN YOU!!!!!! love and hugs x.
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 20, 2007 20:41:15 GMT
yeah - finally got some sleeping pills to take. Might get a good nights sleep tonight. Feeling so tired and drained and i cant even see properly as my vision is so blurry due to tiredness. Cant really be bothered to type anything tonight.
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 21, 2007 18:47:07 GMT
dont believe it. These suicidal thoughts are now back with a vengeance. Why do i keep having them. I just feel so unhappy and fed up and not motivated at all. I really miss jack and want him back now but thats not gonna happen. I am so tired of trying to fight to be normal again. I dont think i will ever be normal again. This seems to be life for me now. My head is spinning with thoughts of how and when to end it all. It would make me happry to know i dont have to carry on with this crap life anymore but everytime i tried to kill myself someone ends up ruining it all and saving me. Why cant people just leave me be and let me do what i want to do.
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shell79
Full member
Recently become a single mummy to Jack and have suffered with PNI since his birth in 2004
Posts: 45
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Post by shell79 on Feb 22, 2007 13:40:34 GMT
ended up cutting badly and went to walk in centre again to have them treated and she was so helpful again. Feeling so alone as cpn and ot both off this week and noone is coming to see me til next week and with feeling so suicidal again i need someone to see me today so nurse at walk in centre rang the crisis team for me and they are supposed to be coming out to visit this afternoon. They supposed to be ringing first but havent so starting to get worried that no-one will turn up. Please hurry up and contact me. Im trying so hard not to self harm until they have been and the longer i wait for them to turn up the harder it is getting not to harm
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Post by helenr on Feb 22, 2007 21:55:31 GMT
Hi Shell, did the crisis team come? How are you feeling now?
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