|
Post by cheshire on Feb 13, 2008 18:29:54 GMT
I dont really know how to start or what to say im 17 and got pregnant (i did use pretection) i went into labour very early and on the 24th jan i gave birth to my son he was very premature, he died on the 27th. They had to use my milk as it was the best for him but i didnt bond with him and i question myslf because i dont think i loved him i feel heartless saying that and now i just feel a big milky mess. i feel so alone as i don't have the most supportive family and im only 17 my babies dad wasnt the best but is trying now. My head feels so messed up like i can't think straight about anything when i try to explain to people they really don't understand and think i need to let go and pull myslf together and i guess i just really don't know what to do anymore xx
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Feb 13, 2008 18:32:19 GMT
Hello rebecca
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through - it is very hard to find the words, to be honest.
Thank you for posting, I just hope we can support you in some way?
Please know that we understand it's not as easy as 'pulling yourself together' and we are here for you.
Do come back and talk - it can help getting it all out and down on paper
Love Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Feb 13, 2008 19:39:21 GMT
Hi Rebecca
Welcome to the site hun x Like Hopeful I find it quite difficult to know what to say. Finding the right words in a situation like this a very difficult.
I can understand why you are left feeling the way you do about the fact that you feel you didnt bond with your baby. I think in reality bonding with a baby takes most women some time as opposed to being instantaneous. I know for me I didnt bond straight away, but learned to love my daughter more every day.
I am so sorry for what you have been through. This is such a traumatic thing for anyone to deal with, let alone with you being 17. that is not to say that I am trying to sound patronising at all about your age, but I guess if the people you are friends with are all your age then it is difficult to hold a conversation about what has happened to you?
have you been offered any counselling of talking therapy since this has happened? Do you see any medical proffessionals at all about it?
Please come and talk to us at any time, we are always here to try to offer our support.
Love
WG x
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Feb 14, 2008 8:41:05 GMT
Hi Rebecca,
Welcome to the forum hun. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with the trauma of losing your little boy.
I didn't bond with my son for a long time either, but I wanted to say that you did love your son, you will see that in time. You are feeling like you are because you have become emotionally detached due to all that you have had to deal with. As you come to terms with your loss, this numbness will disappear and you will be able to think straight again.
My head feels so messed up like i can't think straight about anything when i try to explain to people they really don't understand and think i need to let go and pull myself together and i guess i just really don't know what to do anymore
I think it's understandable to feel this way and it's difficult when other people tell you to pull yourself together (said from ignorance), which you cannot do.
I'm sure you would benefit from some one to one couselling/therapy hun. Did they offer you any support in the hospital, grief counselling or similar?
Please keep talking to us if it helps, we are always here to listen to you and offer you support.
Hugs
Scarlet xxxxx
|
|
|
Post by stevensmummy on Feb 14, 2008 12:00:49 GMT
Hi Rebecca,
Like the others, i find this is difficult to reply to. The loss of your child is something that words cant replace. i send my love to you, and hope you can find comfort in this site.
As Wg says 17 is young to be going thro such a thing. You are by no means a child and I mean no disrespect in it. Your friend at this age have such different issues and problems, so must find it hard to understand. I'm sorry your family are not of more support to you. But it is positive that your babies father is becoming more involved. He too lost his baby and will take time to adjust.
Like the others have said bonding is not instantaneous with everyone, I too struggled initially. In time you will see that you love your baby very much and this is partly the reason for you problems now.
I hope you can find support with us here. If you even want to send a PM (private message) to me I will be happy to support you thro this if you would like.
Sending my love and support Sarah xx
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Feb 14, 2008 17:54:29 GMT
im so overwhelmed by the help and support you are all offering to me it is so kind ive had more help off all you kind people then i have had off my family and friends. I went to counselling today and i honestly didn't think it would be as hard as it was. I feel so angry and im taking all the blame out on the babies dad which i know is wrong as he is trying to help me (late i know) but he is trying. I do find it very hard to talk to my friends as they have not had children so it must be hard to know what to say. Im going to just let it all out so i applogise to you all for rambaling on. What happend was it wasnt a planned pregnancy me and the babies dad was not going out but we honestly was so close like soulmates could tell each other anything always always there for me. we went to a big dance thing and spent the weekend together. When i found out i was pregnant i was in total shock i told my half sister who then proceeded to force me to tell the babys dad and that was what my pregnancy was like me and Alan didn't get a choice in anything. He lives in southampton and no he wasnt the best during my pregnancy but neither was i, we was both as bad as each other but when i went into labour so early i was in total shock my ex best friend was there with me but i really needed alan. But he couldnt be there and that was something i had to accept. Then when my son (Alan Matthew) was born he just got wisked away. Emmy (my ex best mate) gave Alan such a hard time sending him messages being rude which kind of pushed him further from me when all he wanted was to know how me and his son was. When i had to let him go there are no words to describe how i felt but the word empty i remeber just sitting there thinking what do i do now?. Then when it was my sons funeral Alan promised he would be there phoneing me and texting me all the way. Im not making excuses for him but he don't have the best of lifes and he has to work. and the idiot left his phone and that you know that wound me up more then anything because i needed that boy. I don't know if any of you felt when you was pregnant that you just wanted the babys dad?? he doesnt to this day still understand that. anyway i gave him hell shouted screemed and then just sat down and spoke to him we decided we needed to learn to talk to each other again and try and move forward. But he doesnt know how to help me or talk to me which i find so hard as that was something that was the most easyist thing in the world to do with him. Then on Tuesday when i went to the cemetary i found someone had spray painted shame you had two c***s for parents on my sons headstone. And that, well that is what has totally tipped me over i just want to be me again and somehow move on im so sorry for rambaling on. xxx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Feb 14, 2008 20:12:19 GMT
Hi Rebecca
It is not often I cry whilst spending time on this forum, which is odd considering some of the difficult things that are said here. But what you have said about what has happened to your son's headstone really had brought me to tears. I am so so so sorry for you that that has happened. I wish I could come to you and clear that headstone up and find the people that did it.
there are some strange people in this world who have no understanding of grief, but that it is truly awful. I am not surprised that you feel it has tipped you over the edde, it would me too.
Keep up with the couselling hun. I know it will seem really hard initially but in the long run it will so be worth it. And if there is anythig we can do to help you please just ask.
We are always here and listening babes, so please keep talking x
Look after yourself
Luv WG xxx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Feb 15, 2008 5:00:01 GMT
Hello Rebecca I too am crying, and just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. Counselling has helped me and I hope it will help you too.
I'll be thinking of you. FloBob x
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Feb 15, 2008 8:43:21 GMT
Hi hun,
I am so sorry you have had to endure this Rebecca, and shame on those who spray painted your sons headstone. I hope they are caught and reprimanded. They don't know what grief they cause with their actions.
You are so right, pregnancy is a time when we need the support of our partners and your OH should have been there for you. I think sometimes it's hard to understand our OHs reactions in situations like this, and both your pregnancy and loss came as a shock to him as well, and some men's way of coping is to distance themselves with what is happening, and perhaps this is what your boyfrined has done. I'm not excusing him, and I hope he is supporting you now when you need him hun, but I think they never realise how much we need their emotional support at times like this.
I am so glad that you have been for counselling. It will be hard at first hun, but it's the first step to deal with the trauma you have suffered and move on with your life, and it will become become easier, and you will cherish the moments, however brief, that you had with your son. You are a mum now and there will always be a place in your heart for your little boy. You will heal from this I promise, it takes time and many tears... but it will come.
And we are always here for you, so please come on here whenever you are feeling down and hurt and tell us, and we will listen and help and support you through this as much as we can.
Love and hugs
Scarlet xxxxx
|
|
|
Post by chica on Feb 15, 2008 10:41:45 GMT
Hi Rebecca, I wished I had the words right now to be able to comfort you in some small way, what you have been through, is so unfair and cruel. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and also numbness that you are feeling. As for the wilful, destruction of you little boys headstone, may the people or person who did this rot in hell. Have you reported the vandalism to the police? Please please, keep talking here, we will all try and help you in whatever way that we can. You are not alone in your sorrow.
Sending you love hugs and strength Chica
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Feb 15, 2008 16:09:09 GMT
I really cant begin to say thank you so much for all the help you are giving me. Today feels like my wrost day so far. Me and my son's dad are not together we never have been well not propley we was just soooooo close. I just want him to help me and i don't even know how he can he doesnt get what im feeling it's like he doesnt feel anything towards me or baby Alan i just need him even if i need to just shout at him about how im feeling and i don't even know how im feeling anymore it shouldnt have happend i sound mean and cruel and horrible i just want him to help me i just need to feel that comfort and protection if i make sense. And yes i do know who did that to my sons headstone and have reported it. xxx
|
|
anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
|
Post by anita123 on Feb 15, 2008 17:41:06 GMT
Just wanted to show my support too Thinking of you Big hugs Anita xxx
|
|
|
Post by stevensmummy on Feb 15, 2008 17:43:51 GMT
Hi rebecca,
I wasnt around much yesterday and I appologise for missing your post.
I just wish I was there to give you a cuddle. I'm sending you a virtual hug hunni, I know it doesnt help near as much as ther real thing. But I want you to know I'm thinking of you.
I know it must be hard to get thro this without the support of Alan, but in his defence I'm sure it must be difficult for him too. He lost his son too, I know you say he seems like he doesnt care about either of you but I think this is just his way of coping. What you say makes perfect sense. Have tired talking to him. Do you have a close friend who can help you? You talk of an ex best friend, is this as a result of all this? Do you want to talk about that?
You are a brave lady. In time you will get stronger and, as Scarlet says, look back at the time you had with baby Alan and treasure it. Your memories stay in your heart forever and you will always love him no matter what. I know you dont think that now but it will get easier, I promise you that.
Try to remember that those who vandalised his headstone are the ones with the problem. You did all that you could and were wonderfully brave. I hope that something positive comes from reporting it.
Always here for you, sending my love Sarah x
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Feb 15, 2008 17:52:07 GMT
Thank you very much. I know at least i think i do deep down he cares and i know how hard he must be finding it he has been given a rough time but i need him gosh i need him so much and i think he is a bit jealous i dont want to say anything bad about him because i genrally do luv da guy to bits. but he never got to hold Baby Alan or see any of the things he did or just see him so i know its hard but y cant he just see how much im hurting inside how much i just sit and cry and feel so pathetic i just need him. My ex best friend Emmy who was with me at the birth caused alot of trouble between me and alan alot of threts and played us off each other at the time when he just wanted to know how we both was and it was her that sprayed painted my sons headstone xx
|
|
|
Post by stevensmummy on Feb 15, 2008 19:32:12 GMT
Oh hunni, I'm so sorry. I can imagine how hard that must be knwing it was her. That is really silly and childish of her to do that, esp since she was your best mate. I'm sorry you had to go thro that.
Maybe you are right. To an extent I can see how he would envy you being able to have experienced baby Alan. Did he ever see him? I know you say he wasnt at the birth but did he get the chance to see him? My partner assures me its difficult for the father too as when my 1st son was in an incubator he said he felt very exculded. I was the one who gave birth and he felt as if I was included in it all. He said he felt excluded.
Have you tried to talk to Alan? I know you say you feel a mess but crying really does help. You shouldnt be ashamed to cry its natural. You arent pathetic you have been thro a difficult time and you need some time to adjust.
love sarah x
|
|