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Post by stephmum on Aug 26, 2009 21:26:44 GMT
Ok well since I'm going back to work on Friday - let's hope I manage more than 2 weeks this time I thought I would start diary. Since I got out of hospital at the end of July things have been going pretty well for me. But I do still tend to ge very stressed about housework and things. I know that even though I'm only going back to work 16 hours a week I'll be tired and I'll get even more stressed an grumpy about things. Hopefully a diary will help me notice if my mood is slipping and I can get help asap.
Also I'm hopefully starting CBT soon and I think that is another reason why a diary might be good.
So I'll briefly tell you about me. I have an almost 11 month old daughter who is a right little madam in a very lovable way. I have a great partner, but he does have a few health problems and is often not working. In one this is great as he around a lot and I don't think I ould cope without him but on the other hand I know I rely on him far too much. He has 2 children form a previous relationship and is a baby natural. So when miss toots was born I just let him do everything and I think that knocked my confidence if that makes sense? I've always been worried that miss toots is going to like him and not me and to be honest I do worry that when I go back to work she will be cross with me and clingy to daddy. That is probably a silly fear though as she is just the same with me now as she always was despite me being in hospital for 6 weeks earlier in the summer.
Anyway that's enoug waffle for tonight x x
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Post by stephmum on Aug 26, 2009 21:28:06 GMT
My spelling and grammar are appalling!!
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Post by winegirl on Aug 27, 2009 10:00:05 GMT
Hi Hun
I know that feeling - my hubby has two children from his first marriage too, and like you, I kinds let him do alot of the baby stuff when LO came along for the same reason! He is better with kids in general than me, im not overly maternal on the whole, and that did bother me for a while.
Best of luck with getting back to work on friday! Will be thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by sianyc on Aug 27, 2009 13:26:55 GMT
Good luck tomorrow x
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Post by stephmum on Aug 28, 2009 21:01:13 GMT
Well I had a good day today until now. Going back to work was fine and I didn't even encounter any awkward queestions about why I had been off. I enjoyed talking to colleagues and when I finished my shift I felt really good . I came home got house tidied and little miss to bed without too many tears (from her not me!). Then I ate 4 chocolate biscuits and a packet of crisps and now I feel really disgusted with myself and despise my lack of will power and self dicscipline
Why did I ruin an otherwise good day for myself??
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Post by winegirl on Aug 29, 2009 21:29:15 GMT
Dont be hard on yourself!! You are entightled to treat yourself after your first day at work!!
How is your weekend going hun??
WG xx
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Post by stephmum on Aug 30, 2009 14:41:40 GMT
Am having a pretty good weekend. Work yesterday too and chilled out in front of tv last night cos 2 days of work and I was shattered!
Sophie is teething but strangely rather than unsettling her sleep she is sleeping lots. This has made me happy because I've been able to do loads of cleaning today. I love knowing that my house is tidy and then when little miss wakes andI'll be relaxed and really enjoy playing with her because I know I've done all the things I wanted to get done today. I do feel guilty tho and a bit sad because I know that I prioritise cleaning over my daughter to a certain extent.
I guess I just feel in control when I'm cleaning but deep down I know I need to relax more. I just don't know how to do that.
Anyone got any ideas?
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Post by winegirl on Aug 31, 2009 9:18:35 GMT
Its hard to ignore the house work, i cant - i get really stessed about it. But if you can try to decide on a coupe of days where you will do NOTHING in the house and just let it be. Then spend some time with LO..
As for relaxing, i always do the hot bath, trashy magazine in bed thing. Its a bit simplistic but it is wind down.. Or I used to play my ds lite in bed at night, and these days do it with my ipod touch.. Distraction and wind down in one!
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Post by juppster on Sept 1, 2009 19:58:33 GMT
Hey Steph
Sounds like going back to work is going great for you...
I just wanted to say that on the cleaning front, i am exactly the same. I feel as though this comes before Jack some times and it makes me feel really guilty but i can't seem to relax until i know everything is spick and span!
My hubby also did pretty much everything when Jack was born (due to having another child previously) and it has made me feel like their bond is stronger than mine, although in reality i know this is not the case....but then pni isn't a rational illness is it!
Anyways, just wanted to let you know you're not alone, i hope things are work are still good for you...let us know how you're doing, take care xx
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Post by stephmum on Sept 1, 2009 21:28:06 GMT
Hi Jo
Nice to hear I'm not alone in this cleaning thing.
Generally things aren't going too bad thanks. Was very tired today when I got home from work and got really stressed cos my partner who doesn't drive wanted me to take him to the shops to get stuff. I knew we'd have to go straight after tea as in before tidying up otherwise it would be too late for Sophie and she would not sleep as she would be overtired. I was so grumpy though and actually fighting back tears as I was driving cos I knew I'd left the house in a mess.
I only started to relax and feel more settled once I'd got home, got Sophie to bed and tidied up.
I'm just so frustrated with myself because life is full of unexpected events and if I can't cope with going out and leaving a few dirty dishes and some toys on the floor then I'm not going to be very good at this living business.
Maybe I'm just tired and hormonal - that time of the month and everything. But still am very cross wth myself. Think it's time for bed...
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Post by juppster on Sept 2, 2009 8:07:06 GMT
O Steph....don't be angry with yourself. I do understand exactly how you feel so please don't think you are alone. I think you just have to try and accept that thats the way you are at the moment, and maybe over time you will become more relaxed about it...but if you don't (like me!!) its really not the worst thing you could get stressed about. Taking pride in your home and cleanliness is a good thing! I can't even go out the front door if there is a bit of dust on the windowsill!!
Hope you have a better day today.....i am also on facebook if you want to chat at any time...we sound quite similar!! Cyber hugs to you xx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 2, 2009 8:16:14 GMT
Hey Steph
I think alot of us do it. I remember getting in a right state over how the how was, and still do sometimes. When LO has her toys all over the place and you just spend all day picking them up. It is not easy to just switch off from it. So dont give yourself a hard tiime over it.
Try and tell yourself that it really does not matter what the house is like all of the time. Schedule times when you are going to clean and times when you are not, and make sure that in the times you are not you really dont!
Hope you had a decent nights sleep and are feeling a bit brighter this morning??
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by cazfletcher on Sept 2, 2009 9:25:08 GMT
hi steph
i hate housework but i have "housework wednesday" where i get all the laundry done, hoover etc while cavan is at nursery. he starts school next week so ill have to rethink it lol but you see my point right. if a job can wait til you feel like doing it, you will put a lot more effort in to it psychologically, especially if you can make a mental list and do one room at a time. cavan and i have an understanding that we only pick up our own mess (hes 4). i also swear by my ipod at night, it really helps clear my head x
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Post by stephmum on Sept 2, 2009 19:20:55 GMT
Thanks everyone for helpful comments. I think a lot of my obsession with tidying comes from the fact that I feel so out of control in many areas of my life and that is one area that I can control if that makes sense. Except obvioulsy it is controlling me at the minute so really not a good thing. Also I think people will judge how good a mum I am by how clean my house is. Yet that is illogical too as while it is good to have a certain level of cleanliness and tidiness it's also important to spend time with Sophie just relaxing. I guess I just have to learn that sometimes its ok to let things go a little. I don't relax much really except when I'm on my computer. I can't sit and watch tv etc.
BUT I'm still feeling so much better than a few weeks ago and I'm really enjoying Sophie so there is so much to be happy about!!
Jo please find me on facebook - Stephanie Purdy Northern Ireland
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Post by sianyc on Sept 3, 2009 7:06:00 GMT
I was EXACTLY the same and it's probably why the HV thought I was coping - the house was always spotless, washing done, ironing done etc etc. I still like it clean (who doesn't!) but I can leave the house with piles of washing lined up for the machine and toys on the floor now.
I think what you said about it being a control thing is definately true. I felt better for having everything done as it looked as if I was being a fab mum. Never mind that I'd chucked a disney dvd or two on to get all that stuff done.
Try not to worry about it lovely. If obsessive cleaning is helping you to cope then so be it. We have to have something to get us through :-)
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